On a Google mailing list dedicated to a formal internal communications author with wonderful creative writing skills, a small group of Googlers enjoy writing Google-themed lyrics to well-known songs. Like most types of filk music these songs are most amusing to people inside the culture and may be rather confusing to folks on the outside. Here are some songs I shared over the years.
Alice's Algorithm | VEP | Vic G's Privateers | Alice in Scrubs - Booster | West Bayview Fade Away | GWC Fadeaway | You Gotta Fight For Your Right With Protos | Employ the Silence | Looks Good to Me | Werewolves of Google | Perf's Out For Summer | The Peerward Spiral | Google Surfers | Zero Score | I Got Food | Weekly Googlegeist Nursery Rhyme | Ganpati Cake nursery rhyme | This Is Just To Println
A line-by-line computing-oriented retelling of Alice's Restaurant is long enough to deserve its own page.
To the tune of Cassidy by John Perry Barlow and Bob Weir, on the occasion of my departure from Google.
I have seen where the Googler sat and posted memes
I can tell by the mark he left, you were in his dreams
Ah child in countless meets
Ah child of countless Gs
What has come, what we all can see
Comes to an end, it was bound to be
Bound to be, VEP
Lost now in the countless CLs in his server stack
I can tell by the pager noise, he is rolling back
Come fix the build, blaze clean
Come make the TAP project green
Join the meet, share your screen
Get to know each other in between
You and me, VEP
Bad puns and language art
This month we split apart
There he goes, new adventure to start
First he'll cry
Submission of CLs
Let loose strong feels
Send email and say goodbye
Fare thee well all
Leaving code running by my design
I'm gone this fall
The course is yours, I am done with mine
To the tune of Barrett's Privateers by Stan Rogers. Emerald Sea was the code name for what became Google+, led by Vic Gundotra. "Taco Town" was the code name of Google Buzz.
O the year was Two Thousand and Ten
How I wish I was in Taco Town
Email of marque sent from Urs
To the quakiest project I’ve ever heard
CHORUS:
God damn them all
I was told we’d build Em’rald Sea for a big promo
We’d burn no trust, stoke no fears
Now I’m a grumpy SWE and a reviewed peer
The last of Vic G’s Privateers
O Vic G recruited all through Apps
How I wish I was in Taco Town
For twenty brave SWEs all java devs who
Would make for him the Oz Server’s crew
CHORUS
The Oz Server OOP was a sickening site
How I wish I was in Taco Town
She’d list to the port and her graphs in DAGs
And the users add to circles when the homepage nags
CHORUS
On the site’s launch day we got to see
How I wish I was in Taco Town
Ninety-one days of user growth
Hoping our metrics didn’t go south
CHORUS
On the ninety-sixth day we pushed again
How I wish I was in Taco Town
When a great big Pseudonym hove in sight
With our practiced takedown tools we made to fight
CHORUS
The Pseudonym lay low with privacy
How I wish I was in Taco Town
She had posts and plus ones and video plays
But we took her account down after two whole days
CHORUS
Then at length her account she reinstated
How I wish I was in Taco Town
Our name-shaped policy made awful din
But with one reshared post the user stove us in
CHORUS
The Oz Server shook and threw exceptions
How I wish I was in Taco Town
Vic G stepped down like a bowl of eggs
And building 2000’s coffee pot just had dregs
CHORUS
Now here I sit in Google’s twentieth year
How I wish I was in Taco Town
It’s been eight years since our launch day
And I just made L4 yesterday
CHORUS
To the tune of Rooster by Alice in Chains, I started singing this as I walked home from my second COVID-19 shot in 2021.
Ain't found a way to kill me yet
Spicy food still makes me sweat
Every weekend I just go nowhere
Safe at home with my new pet
Hydroxychloroquine was no safe bet
Spike proteins assail me from somewhere
Here they come to give the booster
Yeah, here come the booster
You know I ain't gonna die
No, no, no, you know I ain't gonna die
Here they come to stab the booster, ah yeah
Yeah, here come the booster, yeah
You know I ain't gonna die
No, no, no, you know I ain't gonna die
Feelin' fine, glad you asked
They spit on me, I wear a mask
Doctor sent me results from my swab
Got my shots 'gainst covid death
My buddy's breathin' his dyin' breath
Oh RNA, please won't you help me make it through?
Here they come to give the booster
Yeah, here come the booster, yeah
You know I ain't gonna die
No, no, no you know I ain't gonna die
To the tune of West L.A. Fadeaway by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia. The Bayview campus is not far from Shoreline Amphitheater
I'm looking for a nap pod
Twenty one bookable but one will do
I'm looking for a nap pod
Twenty one bookable but one will do
I don't want to live there
I just want to rent it for a minute or two
I met an old P1
Popped up in my inbox today
I met an old P1
Popped up in my inbox today
I wanted to abide by go/no-jerks
I couldn't think of one Googly thing to say
West Bayview fade away
West Bayview fade away
Big red light on the travel budget
For occupancy we'll just fudge it
Got a big borg job
Moving protos and turning knobs
Got a big borg job
Moving protos and turning knobs
Know the perks're pathetic
It's a shame management doesn't seem to get it
West Bayview fade away
West Bayview fade away
Big red light on the travel budget
For occupancy we'll just fudge it
I need a West Bayview suite
I already know what I need to know
I need a West Bayview suite
I already know what I need to know
No guests, no pets, a credit card number
Sundar, just how far to RTO
I'm looking for a nap pod
Twenty one bookable but one will do
I'm looking for a nap pod
Twenty one bookable but one will do
I don't want to live there
I just want to rent it for a minute or two
Big red light on the travel budget
For occupancy we'll just fudge it
Big red light on the travel budget
For occupancy we'll just fudge it
Here's what I read on go/stay
Great deal announced as a perk
Here's what I read on go/stay
If you've got a meeting you can't shirk
Gotta be in the office to collaborate
Sleep in late and make it to work
Also to the tune of West L.A. Fadeaway by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia. GWC is Google West Campus, a cluster of buildings in Mountain View.
Gotta have a meeting
Twenty one rooms but all are full
Gotta have a meeting
Twenty one rooms but all are full
I don't want to book it
I just want to use it for a minute or two
I had a magical convo
Walking down the hallway
I had a magical convo
Walking down the hallway
I didn't want to be mean about it
"You're still here!" is all I could think to say
GWC fadeaway,
GWC fadeaway
Red light on the dashboard
Green light on Ariane, hey hey hey
I had a steady job
Pushed daily via pod
I had a steady job
Pushed daily via pod
Test coverage was pathetic
Design was clever but no one gets it
Attend the standup meeting
Already know what I need to do
Attend the standup meeting
Already know what I need to do
Class, CL, and bug number
Gotta update on TaskFlow
GWC fadeaway,
GWC fadeaway
Red light on the dashboard
Green light on Ariane, hey hey hey
Gotta have a meeting
Twenty one rooms but all are full
Gotta have a meeting
Twenty one rooms but all are full
I don't want to book it
I just want to use it for a minute or two
GWC fadeaway,
GWC fadeaway
Red light on the dashboard
Green light on Ariane, hey hey hey
To the tune of Fight for Your Right by Beastie Boys. "Protos" is short for protocol buffers, Google's ubiquitous technology for data interchange and storage.
You wanna launch a server, it's written in Go
At the review meeting the SREs say "No"
You solved all the problems, this will totally work
You've got a clever retort, but you've read go/no-jerks
Finance saw your trip request and said "No way"
That hypocrite just flew out of JFK
The legacy system is total crap
And Google just deprecated your favorite chat app
Don't launch a model if the results aren't fair
Write a PDD, there's user data in there!
Your manager sent a ping: "What's that noise?"
It's the sound of my server gettin' deployed
You gotta fight, for your right, with protos!
To the tune of Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode
Pager of violence
Add a silence
Servers crashing down
In my little cell
Painful to read
It's a mess indeed
I don't understand
Oh, my Googler
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
I got from my PARM
Bugs are very unnecessary
They can only cause alarm
Code is written
And submittin'
Errors are in prod
CL was trivial
Perform a drain
To stop the pain
The impact is broad
Cost unbelievable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
I got from my PARM
Bugs are very unnecessary
They can only cause alarm
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
I got from my PARM
Bugs are very unnecessary
They can only cause alarm
To the tune of Lovely Day by Bill Withers, RIP. "LGTM" is what Googlers say in a code review when they're satisfied with what the author has done.
When wake up in the morning, goog
And the buglist hurts my eyes
An email without warning, goog
Bears heavy on my mind
Then I load Critique
Read comments on my CL
Just one little peek
See a message from TL
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
When the code that lies ahead of me
Seems impossible to test
And when the project's all in C
But the API calls are REST
Then I load Critique
Read comments on my CL
Just one little peek
See a message from TL
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
When the code that lies ahead of me
Seems impossible to test
And when the project's all in C
But the API calls are REST
Then I load Critique
Read comments on my CL
Just one little peek
See a message from TL
Looks good to meeeeeeeeeeeee (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
Looks good to meeeeeeeeeeeee (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
Looks good to me (LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
(LGTM, LGTM, LGTM)
To the tune of Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon (video). Charlie's is the biggest cafe in Google's main campus area, and the site of many company meetings. This was written in late 2020, when Googlers were not able to visit the office, but were allowed to expense home office equipment.
I saw a Googler with a cafe menu on his phone
Walking through the streets of MTV in the rain
He was looking for a place called Charlie's Cafe
Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein
(Chorus)
Aaoooooo
Werewolves of Google
Aaoooooo
Aaoooooo
Werewolves of Google
Aaoooooo
You hear him howling around the exit door
You better not let him in
Memegen comment section blew up late last night
Werewolves of Google again
(Chorus)
He's the speculating gent whose emails worry Kent
Lately he bought a standing desk from Wayfair
You'd better ignore messages from him
Take your words out of context, Jim
I'd like to meet his manager
(Chorus)
Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the CEO
Doing the Werewolves of Google
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the CEO
Doing the Werewolves of Google
I saw a werewolf drinking a kale smoothie at Yoshka's
And his badge was perfect
(Chorus)
To the tune of School's Out by Alice Cooper. In March 2020, the head of People Operations announced that we would cancel the spring performance review cycle due to everything else going on that month.
Well they won't fire us
All workin' from home
Spreadin' that virus
Isolate like a gnome
Your self assessment's in the bag
If you're up for promo that's a drag
Perf's out for summer
Perf's out forever
Perf's been blown to pieces
No more reminders no more todos
No more teammate's peer reviews
Well we got no ratings
And we got no calibration
Spend each day with who we're dating
We can't even think of a word that rhymes
Perf's out for summer
Perf's out forever
My perf's been blown to pieces
No more reminders no more todos
No more teammate's peer reviews
Out for summer
Out till fall
We might not be back at work at all
Perf's out forever
Perf's out for summer
Perf's out with fever
(And a dry cough!)
Perf's out completely
To the tune of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails (from the album The Downward Spiral), or Johnny Cash if you prefer. Perf was the Google performance review system for many years, with a big focus on peer reviews.
I perfed myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on my peers
The only work that's real
The CL tears a hole
An old familiar ping
Try to hide all the bugs
But snippets remembers everything
What have I become
Manager or a friend
Everyone I know
Meets expectations in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of perf
I will write it down
This peer knows their turf
I wear this pager of thorns
Upon my office chair
Full of broken builds
I cannot repair
Beneath the docs of time
The context disappears
Your team got reorged
I am still right here
What have I become
Manager or a friend
Everyone I know
Meets expectations in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of perf
I will write it down
This peer knows their turf
If I could start again
Two thousand words ago
I would write more docs
I would link with go/
To the tune of Pepper by Butthole Surfers. I wrote the first verse in response to a meme with a Calendar screenshot of "Sharen | Karen 1:1" with 31 guests.
Karen got with Sharen
Sharen got Sheriee
She was sharin' Sharen's outlook
On the topic of Google SWEs
Karen had an unsigned char
And Bobby was a PM
They were all reporting to Dian,
They were meetin' over VC
Tommy wrote Python
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his data in Spanner
He was dancin' within __main__
They were all reporting to Dian
Vibe code they all were spouting
Flowing like a DOS attack
And clogging network routing
CHORUS:
I don't mind the memes sometimes
The images that show
I can see you at your desk
And take your class on Grow
Animation and emojis
Through Google chat apps
You never know how to find
Your meeting on Google Maps
Some will send long emails
With suspicious em-dashes
Some will protect their data
With cryptographic hashes
Some will fall in love with AI
And code whatever's spouting
Flowing like a DOS attack
Clogging network routing
CHORUS
Another Karen got fed up
Commuting in traffic
Flipper worked from home
He's scared of the virus
Then there was the ever-present
Machine learning specialist
They were all reporting to Dian,
They were making a priority list
Pauli had a hunch
But it only got to PRD
Well it should've been prioritized
And included in the launch
They were all reporting to Dian
Vibe code they all were spouting
Flowing like a DOS attack
And clogging network routing
CHORUS
To the tune of Zero by The Smashing Pumpkins, about upvote counts on Google's internal meme server.
Java reflection dirty mirror
There's no connection to localhost
I'm your memer, Clinton Zero
I'm a dogfooder of Google Glass
So save your protos
For when you're really gonna move 'em
Throw out your snark and cry
Want to go for an offsite?
Memegen's the one for me
Memegen's all I really need, oh yeah
Memegen's the one for me
Shitposting is loneliness and loneliness is snarkiness
And snarkiness is googleyness and Google is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the memes, I'm in love with my cleverness
Shitposting fakers, enchanted cinememes
The repost victims chew their comment streams
I never let on that I was on a downboat ship
I never let on that I voted down
You blame your memes for what you can't ignore
You blame your memes for wanting more
Memegen's the one for me
Memegen's all I really need, oh yeah
Memegen's the one for me
Memegen's my one and only
To the tune of I Got You (I Feel Good) by James Brown. Google needed to demonstrate the business value of providing free lunch, so asked all employees to "badge for food" at every meal.
Whoa! I eat food, I badged so I could, now
I eat food, I badged so I could, now
Badge food, badge food, I got food
Whoa! I eat rice, with sugar and spice
I eat rice, with sugar and spice
Good rice, good rice, I got food
When I badge into the room
I know that I can't do no wrong
And when I badge into the room
My meal won't do you no harm
(repeat verse 2)
(repeat verse 3)
(repeat verse 2)
Whoa! I eat food, I badged so I could, now
I eat food, I badged so I could
Eat food, eat food, 'cause I badged in
Eat food, eat food, 'cause I badged in
Eat food, eat food, 'cause I badged in
A rewriting of Monday's Child when our annual Googlegeist survey changed to two questions, asked weekly by email.
Monday's email is fairly spiced
Tuesday's email is full of geist
Wednesday's email is full of woe
Thursday's email has far to go
Friday's email is more forgiving
Saturday's email? please, I'm playing
And the email sent on Sabbath day
Will not be read, sorry to say
Like the Patty Cakes nursery rhyme, but for Google internal tools.
Ganpati cake, Ganpati cake, group admin
Make me a group for the team I'm in
Name it, and save it, and give a UID
Put it in Chubby for my borg job and me
With apologies to William Carlos Williams.
I have collected
the garbage
that was on
the heap
and which
you were probably
caching
for latency
Forgive me
it was delicious
so large
and so old