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Ryan Frazier's Top 10 Lists of Rokugan

When Allan Sayberth took down his page, I salvaged this page of top 10 lists, created by Ryan L. Y. Frazier. This file is reproduced with Ryan's permission after having been posted on the L5RInfo listserv.

Subject: L5R Top 10: 5/21/97

The Legend of the Five Rings Top Ten List Presents:
The Top Ten Rejected Unique Items

10. The Staff of Shinsei +1/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Monk L: Bow this personality to cause all Pheonix players to lose 3 honor for every ring you have out that they do not.
-"Where you failed, we succeed."

9. The Ancestrial Hankies of the Lion +0/+0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to Lion Clan personaltiy L: Whenever any card seems to consistantly stop you from wining, whine pitiously. A counter card will be generated in the next expansion.
R: Bow to silence any player who points out that Lion wins more then it's share of tournies as it is.
-"Bu..bu..bu...breech keeps me from wu...wu...winning on turn three every game! *sniff*"

8. The Helm of Hubris +3/+3/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Crab Personality
While this card is attached to a personality you control, you must talk in as deep a voice you can manage. Try to say things like "you cannot imagine the power of the, shadowlands."
-"All too easy, young Samurai."

7. The Crub of the Crane Cran +2/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Crane Personality. This card transformes this personarity from a "finesse" personarity to a "brunt trauma" personarity. He roses any special abirities, and his traits are replaced by the trait "Crane Cran Samurai." His personal Honor becomes 3.
-"Screw dipromacy. Ret's kick some @$$"

6. The Welcome Mat of the Dragon 0/0/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Dragon Personality While this card is in play, all Dragon clan personalities cost you 2 less gold. Unfortunately, any no account relative with a useless ability can (and almost certainly will) join your clan.
-"How else can you explain it?"

5. The Knife of the Knaga 0/0/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Naga personaltiy Cut up your stronghold card. Mail the pieces to FRPG. Play Nagacorn.
-"Someday, our rewrite will come."

4. The Perfume of the Phoenix 0/0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Pheonix Personality. L: Bow to cover the foul stench of the Shadowlands that fills your stronghold. This allows you to win on honor, even though you are basically in leauge with the Ultimate Evil.
-"Ichor? What ichor?"

3. Toturi's Bandana 0/0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Toturi's Army personality. While this card is in play, all bandit cards cost you two less gold.
-"Once he took over Rogokun's black markets it was only a matter of time."

2. War Banner of the Mantis Clan +1/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Mantis Clan Personaltiy. All Manits followers attached to Yortiomo's Alliance personalities gain +1 Force.
-"Maybe we're TOO mercenary..."

And the #1 rejected Unique Item is:

1. The Platform Geta (slippers) of the Unicorn +4/+4/5/4
Unique - May be only be attached to a Unicorn Clan Samurai
-"Finally, a big personality."

Next week: Rejected Flavor Text

The L5R top 10 was brought to you by Ryan Frazier & Ryan Kishida with suggestions by Joey Lee and J. R. Roberts.

Subject: L5R Top 10: 5/15/97

The Legend of the Five Rings Top Ten List Presents:
The Top Ten Reasons Otako Kamoko can't attach Ancestors.
10. The Ancestial Spirits are still annoyed that she lost her "Battle Maiden" status by "riding with Toturi."
-There's more then ONE reason they call him "The Wolf"

9. Shiryo no Otaku's busy trying to get Baiken to "get out of the classroom and onto the field."
-"...and what are you doing with that Testubo!?!"

8. The Brothers Tsume stole the Ancestors' spirit horses.
-Too bad Moto never got the knack of riding them...

7. The Ancestors are from a more conservative time. They think that Kamoko should "find a nice Samurai and settle down."
-"and it wouldn't kill you too dress up a little, either."

6. The Unicorn Clan Ancestors were buried somewhere in the barbarian lands. Unfortunately, even after death, some people refuse to ask for directions.
-"Didn't we just pass that carin?" "Shut up!"

5. Shiryo no Otaku's too busy trying to comfort Kojiro.
-"Baltazar! It's Baltazar!"

4. A bad leapfrog experience (he STILL can't sit down) in a past life makes Shiryo no Shinjo a little nervous around her Unicorn.

2. The Ancestors are too busy shouting "do something, darn it!" at Shinjo Yokatsu.
-So far, all he's done is say "hmmm?"

And the number one reason Unicorn Ancestors won't attach to Otaku Kamoko is:

1. Well, Unicorn's so powerful already and they win so regualrly in tournament play (choke) that to make their (snicker) best personality even better would (cough) be (snicker) too (choke) unbalanceing. (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!)

Next week: The Top 10 rejected unique items

The L5R Top 10 for 5/6/97: The Top Ten Yatsuki Taka Quotes

10. They say that once you flip a Crab on it's back, it's helpless. Boy are they wrong.
-Taka after his first (and last) date with Hida O-Ushi

9. No, no, mi'lord, I'm not not investing in oxen. Trust me, these little trinkets are very valueable to Gaijin Shugenja.
-Taka, explaining his recent purchaces to a skeptical Hida Kisada

8. Hey, beautiful, it's no big deal, I don't care if your Sensei's a Kolat. Have another saki on me.
-The real reason Tsuko missed Kisada's last charge.

7. Wadda ya mean, "conflict of interest?"
-Taka on his endorsement of the L5R RPG.

6. Come on; I know a Saki Works where Unicorn Battle Maidens who have just been dishonored hang out.
-Taka to Togashi Mitsu

5. OK, Hotori, one more game, double or nothing. I win, I get the sword.
-Moments later, Doji Hoturi would add a new name to his "kill on sight" list.

4. Kachiko, baby, you really harden my carapice. Wanna go back to my quarters? I'll show you my tattoo if you'll show me yours.
-The real reason Taka's no longer allowed to go to the imperial palace and lobby for the favor.

3. Sure, maybe you and Daikoku do more for your lords, but remember, I'm a Scorpion. Do you know how much Kachiko's paying me?
-Yogo Ichiban to Yatsuki Taka

2. Look, babe, it's like this. Either make me another No-Dachi, or my big brother, the Master of the Whip is comin' over ta' pay ya a little visit.
-How Taka unbows retainers

And the number one Yatsuki Taka quote is:
1. Would you rather have the rice from the Small Farms, or what the Merchant Caravan is bringing home in the box. <pause> You chose the box! And what is in the box? Nothing! So stupid!
-A disappointing trade for the Master Smith of the Crab Clan

Next week: Top 10 reasons Otaku Kamoko can't attach Ancestors

8 Apr 1997

This is meant to be funny. If you feel that it might bother you, please don't read it. I know some people take this game pretty seriously. :)

This is a "special" installment of the Top 10 in honor of the forthcoming release of Crimson and Jade. Next time we'll do the promised "Why Chicks Dig Fu' Leng."

The Top 10 Suprises in C&J

10. A bedridden Hida Kisada confesses that he was Toturi's geshia.
9. Doom of Junzo's Army turns out to be an event forcing you to play a multiplayer game that includes at least one Dragon player.
8. The real reason Tsuko committed sepuku? Her failed relationship with Alhundro.
7. The Hooded Ronin draws back his hood to reveal...he's got REALLY bad acne.
6. Isawa Tsuke goes berzerk at the Burger King where he now works. "Do you want fries with that?" takes on a whole new meaning.
5. Moto Tsume realizes that riding his "ghost horse" is actually about the same as walking.
4. Shakashar discovers that his new Pearl-Encrusted Staff has a "Made in Hong Kong" sticker on it's base.
3. The Naga/Unicorn alliance becomes official. Now, both clans can be ignored by the storyline at the same time.
2. More-enlightened-than-thou monks cause thousands of Rogokunians to convert to the recently formed "Church of Toku."

And the number one suprise in C&J is:

1. Yorimoto's Alliance destoryed after they reveal to the Great Clans their slogan is "show me the money!"

Next time: Why Chicks Dig Fu' Leng


The Top Ten Rejected Black Scroll Ideas:
(all are unique and would attach a corruption token, natch)

10. The Ruinous Haircut of Fu' Leng: 8/3 O: Bow this Shugenja, target personality gains a -1 PH token.
"Don't cut it again, it'll just get worse..."

9. Rampant Paranoia: 0/3 B: Bow this shugenja. All personalties you control in the current battle gain the ability Fear: 1
"When in worry or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."

8. Mad Sacrifice: 0/4 B: Bow this Shugenja. Physically destroy any one rare card you own currently in play to add +4 force to any personality you control.
"I've found a task for you, Gaijin..."

7. The Changing Histories of Ukki: 8/3 L: Bow and destroy this shugenja to retroactivly negate any event that has occured up to this point and all it's effects. If total chaos results, declare yourself victor. Duck.
"But that's not what REALLY happened."

6. Embarassing Rash under the Codpiece: 0/3 O: Bow this shugenja. Bow any personaltiy with more than 3 personal honor. This personality is dishonored and it's temporary personal honor is reduced to 1.
"Not so holier than thou now, are you?"

5. Awful Experience: 8/4 L: Bow this shugenja. Choose a personality who gains the trait experienced. This card cannot be experienced normally. You may remove a corruption token if you target a dragon personality.
"Hey, where's my wallet?"

4. Mutation: 4/3 L: Bow this shugenja to permenently switch the honor requirement and gold cost of any follower in play.
"Don't think about it, you'll hurt your head."

3. Death Spiral: 0/3 Attach one -1C corruption token to this personality when you attach this spell. This token can never be moved or destroyed. O: bow this shugenja to add four -1C corruption tokens to any personality with corruption tokens.

2. Abusive combo of Fu Leng: 0/3 R: Bow this card if any player uses the words Kikita Shijin and Sacrificial Altar in the same sentance. Smack them.
"Now THAT's honorable"

And the number one rejected Black Scroll is:

1. Smoking Crater: 8/3 L: Destroy all of your provinces. Choose a number of provinces belonging to other players equal to the number you destoryed of your own provinces. These provinces are destroyed. You may perform this action after you have been removed from the game.
"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when..."

Next week: The Top 10 Reasons Chicks Dig Fu' Leng

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