Subject: The Toku Diaries. (LONG)
From: "Ashley Majzels"
<llama@pangea.ca>
Date: 1997/05/22
Message-Id: <01bc6654$0618b5e0$2172a1cf@ashley>
Newsgroups: rec.games.trading-cards.misc
The Toku Diaries
Ashley Majzels
llama@pangea.ca
Disclaimer
Distribute as you wish so long as:
You charge nothing for said distribution
You give me credit (this took a whole evening)
You do not alter or remove this disclaimer
Now the diaries:
Day 1
Finally, upon this day, I have been given the chance to truly prove
myself a noble warrior, a true samurai, an honorable soul. Though I have
seen little in my short life, acomplished less, I now stand upon the
threshold of great deeds, a place in history. This day I joined Yogo
Junzo's Army Of Wevils. My choice of joining my most honorable and benevolent
master was made simple, by the report of his great deeds and might, by his
choice of the wevil as his clan symbol (a most honorable and virtuous creature,
as my time on my parents wevil farm can attest) and the fact that he burnt said
farm to the ground. It is fitting that such sacrifices be made, and I will
not bemoan my fate since I have now the chance to on to greater things than
wevil farming (although it is a most rewarding life, I am sure, convinced
largely by my fathers laughing as he was slain. One unsatisfied by his
life would not laugh and display such joy at his end, I am certain).
Our farm was destroyed as part of a recruitment of a new warrior
for our Army: Kyoso no Oni. This magnificent and awesome warrior proved her
desirablity by demanding the sacrifice of my parents farm as part of her
payment. My own recruitment was somewhat less extravagent, I having no
want to destroy real estate in exchange for my service. Lord Junzo held a
ceremony today for those just joining his service, Lady Kyoso and I. We
were welcomed by the other members of Lord Junzo's rapidly growing Wevil army:
the Tsume brothers. In the days ahead I wish to get to know these impressive
and mighty samurai better, that I might emulate them one day. Lord Junzo
introduced the Lady Kyoso and myself, speaking for quite some time upon the
Ladys many virtues, and it is perhaps due to the magnitude of both her
virtue and my Lord's speech that he had little time to refer to me, and in so
curious a fashion. His exact words were: 'Oh yeah, and this guy. I have no
idea what to do with him, but I'll find something. In the meantime keep quiet
squirt.' I hope my shining example of quiet and honor will help steer my
comrades in the path of obediance.
I am writing this from my corner of Lord Junzo's most capacious and
comfortable basement. To properly record both his triumphs and my small
personal successes I will chronicle my journies in this diary. Even as I
write I can see my comrades across the room, lit by Moto Tsumes lumnious
eyes. The Lady Kyoso reguards me with a fixed stare, almost hungry in it's
intensity. I would consider making her my wife sometime in the future, once I
have proved myself an honorable samurai. In the meantime, I will do my best to
make friends amoung my comrades. Moto Tsume has already displayed a certain
affection for me, using my head as a footstool. Altogether, an auspicious
start.
Day 2
This morning I greeted my fellows at day break with a hearty 'Up and
at them Wevils!'. After regaining consiousness Moto Tsume kindly explained
that Lord Junzo is master of the Army of Evil, not Wevils. He was furthermore
kind enough to get up off of me and allow me to breathe. It would seem I have
made something of a Faux Pas by awakening my comrades so early. I will be
more considerate in the future.
This afternoon the entirety of our army, consisting of Moto Tsume,
Moto Sada, Lady Kyoso and Yogo Junzo himself attacked a nearby encampment of
the dispicable and honorless Toturi. I was not permitted to join them
however, Lord Junzo telling me: 'I have plans for you'. I now await his
victorious return that I might meet the glorious destiny that awaits me, a
destiny so important my life cannot be risked in combat.
Upon Lord Junzo's return and subsequent bathing (it seemes the Army
had been caught in some form of Entrapping Terrain, a rather muddy variety)
my most Benevolent and Rightous master called a meeting for a new recruitment.
The figure that greeted us was introduced as Oni no Tsuburu, a most rotund
and mighty warrior. I here realized my destiny, as Lord Junzo spoke the fateful
words 'Tsuburu, eat that man'. I am now recovering as my lord was insightful
enough to instruct me to merely Feign Death and dismemberment. I will not
soon forget the feeling of Lord Tsuburu's intestinal tract, yet I am happy
to do whatsoever is required of me.
Day 3
Today I was entrusted with a group of followers. I hope my leadership
and guidence will be an inspiration to them, and I hereby resolve to treat
them properly, and hopefully some honorable behaviour will 'rub off' onto
them. I must go now to tend to my flock, my followers, my Plauge Zombies.
Day 4
I have now recovered from the infectious and virulent plauge I had
contracted, largely due to my masters insitance that I Feign Death to the
plauge that raveged me. It has worked, and I now stand before my most
benevolent, rightous and honorable masters newest acquisition, an Altar of
some sort. I am to be the first to pray upon it sacred form, although am I
uncertain why I must be tied down, and what exactly the knife is for.
Day 5
During my recovery from my being sacrified, Lord Junzo arrived to tell
me of his displeasure with my failure to acomplish anything upon the altar
last night. He caught me perusing this very diary, and though I feared his
displeasure, he laughed, and returned the diary to me, requiring only that I
no longer refer to his as benevolent, or rightous, or honorable. He instead
instructed me in the proper form of adress: 'Lord Almighty Junzo, Herald Of
The Dark God, Destroyer Of Life, Eater Of Souls, Kicker Of Much Butt, Ravager
Of Goodness, Slayer Of Hope, Head Librarian Of The Black Scroll Depository,
Corrupter Of Children, Lawyer, Critic, Politician, Mega Turbo Power Mutant
Techno Dude'. However, he has granted me permission to call him Junz. I
am most gratified, for both the closeness and trust implied, and the space
saved in my diary.
Lord Junz has experimented further with the Sacrifical Altar, and has
discovered its method of use. To this end, he has recruited a new member of
our army, an Oni by the name of Shikibu. As I entered the meeting hall,
Shikibu's eyes fell upon me, and I felt my heart sink. Then came the
dreaded words: 'Shikibu, eat that man!' Being eaten is a most unpleasant
experiance, made no better by foreknowledge of what is to come. As expected,
I was to Feign dying, to better serve Master Junz.
Day 6
During our attack upon the foul and virtueless armies of Toturi today,
Toturi himself appeared, and informed Moto Tsume that He Walked With Evil.
His response amounted to 'Duh, so?', but this irreverance disguised his
true disgrace and dishonor, as he has committed Seppuku twice today, each time
requring Lord Junz to inform him to Feign spraying his guts all over the
walls. Lord Junz has become tired of doing so, and thus has revealed that The
Fault Is Toku's. It seems it is I who is responsible for Moto-sama's disgrace,
although I comprehend it not. Alas. I'm so depressed, I could kill myself.
I have asked Lord Junz if I may commit Seppuku to erase my stain of dishonor,
but he replied 'I've got better things to kill you for than honor'. I will
abide him. Wait, I think I hear something...
Day 7
Last night one Kakita Toshimoko arrived at our gates and issued an
Iajitsu Challange to Lord Junz. My master quickly confered with me, and
then accepted. Upon his arrival on the battle field I was to speak my line, but
all that came out was 'He's... he's... he's...oh, who am I kidding, I'm
His.' My regretable outburst was confirmed as Mr. Toshimoko sliced diced and
generally beat the hell out of me. Today, Lord Junz has decided to improve
my dueling ability, equiping me with a Tetsubo and several poisoned weapons.
My rematch with Mr. Toshimoko is scheduled for tonight, and I look forward to
it.
Day 8
Although Lord Junz assures me it is impossible, I swear I felt my
back snap last night I as I raised the Tetsubo. As I fell, I landed upon
my collection of poisoned weapons, which I am told pierced my heart, lungs,
spleen and liver. However, I pretended to die so that Mr. Toshimoko would
leave. He did so, but not before drinking my blood with his sword. This in
addition to my other wounds were all Feigned away. Today we fight the armies
of the Crab. I will cover myself with glory tonight, to make up for my
failures and restore my honor.
Day 9
Amoung our opponents last night was a warrior by the name of
Hida O-Ushi. She challenged me to duel, and I declined after the disasterous
duels against Mr. Toshimoko. However, I was not saved, since I died of shame
from her mocking me. Tonight I am given a safe assignment, Lord Junz assures
me. I am to go to the Imperial Palace to meet with a Lady Bayushi. Surely
so simple a diplomatic mission can have no risks.
I admit I was totally unprepared for the sight that awaited me upon
entry to Lady Bayushi's chamber. Perhaps it was the lack of warning, or the
sheer wave of sex appeal that washed over me that caused my heart to stop. I
am thankful that the Lady was considerate enough to mail my corpse back to
Lord Junz so he might inform me I had only Feigned Death. I must admit that
this has been the most.. enjoyable of my recent.. experiances. There is no
comparision between the Lady of Scorpions meetings and being eaten by an Oni.
Day 10
Today, we were attacked by a lone Monk. His name was Tetsuya, and
all the Oni trembled before him, leaving only Moto Tsume and myself to stand
against him. Moto Tsume readied his mighty Jade Bow, and spoke to our opponent:
'This is a .44 Magnum, the worlds most powerful bow. Now maybe it
makes a ranged 4 attack, and maybe it makes a ranged 5 attack. I guess the
question you have to ask yourself is, do you feel lucky, Monk?'
Reguardless of how he felt, Tetsuya was lucky, Moto-sama's attack
not even slowing him as he beat us into the earth.
Day 11
Although I have done nothing save die, it seems Lord Junz's war effort
goes well. Tonight he has promised us a Portent, a Portent of Evil's final
triumph. I look forward to this most significant event and pray for my
life.
Day 12
Again my prayers go unanswered.
Our armies effort has been hampered lately by Isawa Tsuke, who has
been responsible for utterly defeating several of my kinsmen. After laying
down a particularly viscious beating on Moto Tsume, I was instructed to Ambush
the Phoenix scum, and I did so, jumping him from behind a bush. He was
unprepared for the attack, and his exhaustion prevented him from fighting
back. I slew him, but unfortunately overextended myself and died also.
Day 13
It seem that the Phoenix ancestral armour has protected my foe, saving
him from my rightous beating. After wacking Moto Tsume again, I was instructed
to Ambush him again. I did so, but upon leaping from my bush, I found myself
without food or Supplies as my Lines were Blocked. I returned home, leaving
Mr. Tsuke alive.
Day 14
My master Junz has finally destroyed the Phoenix, although he required
Desprate Measures to do so. Although I am gratified at his success, I would
appreciate some degree of warning before he blows up any more bridges. It
was quite a long fall to the Moat, and the water was extremely cold. The
alligators were also quite fearsome, and hungry. Frankly, I am sick of being
eaten.
Day 15
We attacked the Crane today, and during the battle Kyoso no Oni became
incensed. She went wild, consumed by an Oni's Fury. Junz instructed me to
try to calm her down. She was quite calm by the time she had ripped me limb
from limb and burnt my heart to a cinder. Don't tell me you cannot trust an
Oni...
Day 16
After our victory against the Crane, Lord Junz has set his sights on
the Lion clan. During the battle today, Junz took a page out of the Crane's
book and instructed me To Do What I Must. I took down some random Lion
(they all look the same to me) in my furious charge. I am proud of my
acomplishments, but I now wish to kill someone without losing my life.
Day 17
Today saw disaster befall both Junz and myself. Early this morning
our foes held an Iris festival, and the pure joy and happiness killed everyone.
I am left alone in Junz's fortress. I suppose the fact I was alone is what
caused the Occult Murderers to slay me in favour of someone else. Dying in
this fashion has ruined an otherwise excellent day. I was quite enjoying the
Iris festival and the hope I would no longer have to serve Junz. Alas, later
in the day Junz returned from the grave even more powerful than before and
returned me from the grave not improved in the slightest. Alas, now I fear
There Is No Hope of me ever finding eternal peace.
Day 18
As Lord Junz now rebuilds his army I am again and again consumed.
This disgusting treatment has really ticked me off, but no one cares. I am
well and truly pissed off, and I'm not going to take it anymore. Tonight I
will assualt the Scorpion, and become a Hero as I destroy them. Some may call
this a Brash act, but I will show them, I will show them all!
Day 19
The Kolats in charge of the Scorpion outpost I attacked were kind, and
showed me Mercy during my ill-concieved assault. Furthermore, they have
kindly brainwashed and indoctrinated me. I am now happily serving as a Kolat
Master, providing key tactical data on Junz's forces. As a reward for my
loyalty, my masters have provided me with a new item, a Medallion of Night.
I have never felt so powerful and compentant as I do today. My Masters inform
me I will be attacking Toturi's army tonight to gather information. I go for
the greater glory of Kolat! Long live Kolat! All Hail Kolat!
Day 20
I have been living a lie. Toturi showed me the path of honor once
more, and I now serve him, working off my Duty To The Clan. Finally, I have
found my place, having thrown off the Kolats influence. I only hope that
my former masters do not seek revenge against me...
Day 21
The Assasins poisons where happily speedy, easily my least painful
death to date. I am now writing this thanks to the efforts of one Soshi
Bantaro, whom, in an effort to ressurect his former master, accidently
returned me from the grave, being insuffciently powerful to return anyone
else. Furthermore, Toturi has decided to appeal to the Emperor to pull some
strings and have the taint of dishonor that has followed me be removed. I am
once more an honorable man! I am now to convey my thanks to the Emperor, and
lobby for his favour.
[Transcript of Toku's lobbying effort]
Toku: So, most honorable Emperor, you can now clearly see why
Toturi deserves your favour...
Moto Tsume: ENOUGH TALK!
Toku: Oh Shit. Moto-sama, surely you would not hurt your
former comra... (THUMP)
[End Transcript]
Day 22
Everyone is dead. The final battle claimed the lives of everyone in
Rokugan save myself. My survival is due to luck more than anything. I think
I was simply overlooked in the destruction as Fu Leng confronted the Seven
Thunders. I have decreed myself Emperor and now sit on the Emerald Throne
in the empty Palace. I feel I have earned it. However, I desire a servant..
I belive I shall put into effect an Imperial Levy, (THUMP).