# One-liners for Trevor Stone's auto-generated signature Imagination is the purest freedom. Dreams the ultimate goal. -- me Spare the duct tape, spoil the job. -- Red Green Microsnot Windoze by any other name, would still be a piece of crap. What do you want to crash today? How much do you want to pay today? I can't do it cap'n! She's runnin' Windows '95! My goal is to be like Linux: to serve, to be eclectic, to be free. Nothing ever is, everything is becoming. -- Heraclitus The box said "Requires Windows '95 or better." So I loaded Win 3.1. Life isn't fair, but the root password helps. -- The BOFH "I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished. Their white flags are no match for our muskets! -- The Simpsons U.S. Government: "China needs to improve its human rights record." U.S. Law Forces: "Apply the pepper spray to the protesters' eyes." I'm a doctor, where's the horse? -- Groucho Marx I love God. I just hate the paperwork. -- Nothing Sacred To start, press any key. Where's the any key? -- Homer Simpson Opaque melodies that would bug most people -- Beefheart, Zappa "They killed Nixon! You heroes!" Why can't THAT happen each week? -- me Well *I* just spent half an hour getting X11 to run on my slide rule. The police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder. -- Chicago Mayor Richard Daley In a few years you'll be able to "upgrade" from Windows v. 98 to v. 01. -me I knew Santa didn't have time to check that list twice. -- Bart Simpson He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. The OS that can be sold is not the eternal OS. -- me Pornography is out there. Beware of geeks bearing .gifs. -- me Is all of western civilization merely a prelude to Melrose Place? -- me I want a Molarbit hard drive. .70 trillion gigabytes. Avogadro rules. - me And on the seventh day He exited from append mode. Nah. Pigs tend to chew their food. I say he eats more like a duck -Simpsons Compared to them, public schools are veritable havens of free thought! -- Lisa Simpson This signature is consistently random. Order through chaos. Late to bed and early to rise make a man tired, cranky and bleary-eyed. If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise. -- Blake Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels: bricks of Religion. - Blake The fox condemns the trap, not himself. -- William Blake Listen to the fool's reproach! it is a kingly title! -- William Blake As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys. -- William Blake There is a problem with the pregnancy. Abort, retry, ignore? Teaching yourself Zen is like curing yourself of the hiccups. -- Alan Watts Diffrwythdra. Now THAT's a dirty word. -- me If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? Monday is a terrible way to spend one seventh of your life. I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on tape somewhere. Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. UNIX is easy. Just like a cross between English and Welsh. Except that you have to take out all the vowels. -- Joshua Kronengold In the middle of the 19th century, all the Morons moved to Utah. - some kid The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Bohr Borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Extensive exposure to Windows can cause cancer in laboratory rats. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -- Loudon Wainwright III I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. You can't get all the people to use Windows all the time. -- me The death rate around here is one per person. Waste 15 hours of time this week! Install Windows to find out how. VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix. Why Linux? Because it is The Choice of a GNU generation. This space unintentionally left blank. Visualize not using your caps lock key. .deirrub ew nhoJ s'ti ,daed ton si luaP We wish to teach the three cardinal virtues of a programmer: laziness, impatience, and hubris. -- Programming Perl Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What a bad omen! -- me You are to literature as Marcel Marceau is to radio. Sending messages in MIME builds bad kharma. -- me Only forty-two more surfing days until the apocalypse! -- me % cat smoke | more #And you thought computer nerds had no fun. - Mike & me Now we just need _The Dummies Guide to Obfuscated Programming_. -- me Can I use rot13 and uuencode for foreign language credit? -- me To say that I am wasting time presupposes that I had any at all. -- me Rash decisoins should be given calomine, not praise. -- Paul Thomas This sig worst viewed by any Microsnot product. Download lynx now! There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact, it's all dark. -- Pink Floyd, "Eclipse" I'm not against fundamentalism. Just the specific fundaments. -- me Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a COBOL programmer! If you used lynx, this page would have loaded by now. Is this a random world, or did you planet? -- SimEarth manual I'm out of condoms. Can I use a sock? - things not to say during sex, #122 Do not send mail in HTML I'd put a Simpsons or Douglas Adams quote here, but most are too long to fi You expect me to fit the wisdom of the world into 76 characters? Less annoying advertisements. Now THAT's a great idea! -- me I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo We're knights of the modem cable, we connect whenever we're able/We write ASCII smiles and download files/And leave Zip disks on the table/People use the 'Net to scam-a-lot/I have... to... fil-ter spam-a-lot! -- Jazon L5R -- where even the flames are pretty polite. -- Zen Faulkes! The superior man worries about the Way and not about poverty. -- Confucius I object to all this sex on the television. I keep falling off! -- Monty Python's Flying Circus What's the point of going out? We'll just come back here anyway. - Simpsons A jury consists of 12 people selected to decide who has the best lawyer. I am an honor student at Life University of Everything. Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin. -- Ralph Nader Draft beer, not people. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN -- a T-shirt The other Sheltanack's jupleberry shrub is always a more mauvy color of pinky russet. -- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers Go directly to DOS. Do not use Windows, do not lose $200. -- me Meddle not in the affairs of Windows for it is expensive and quick to crash Join the Church of Last Thursday and be saved! http://home.earthlink.net/~aexia/colt/ The opinions in the above message are yours, you just don't know it yet. They hung in the air just the way bricks don't. -- Douglas Adams, HHGTG When you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. -- Johnny Moses UBAX vs lbh ybir EBG-13 -- Info highway bumbersticker by Adrian Ogden Taxes are bills from the utilitarian company. -- me A botched plot never foils. -- me -- Charlie Chaplin Oh my god! They killed Toku! You bastards! -- me This sig has been accessed [INLINE] times. Click [LINK] to go [IMAGE]. If reincarnation is the case, a lot of people have screwed themselves over. They will be rebooting their Macs into Windows '95. -- me A polar bear is a rectalinear bear undergoing a coordinate transformation. This page is enhanced. -- me You're only young once, but you can be indefinitely immature. You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. If Reagan is the answer it must have been a very silly question. Life is like an analogy. Life is a metaphor. Metaphors be with you! The above opinions are yours, you just don't realize it yet. If you can't read this, I don't know what to tell you. Support your local Search and Rescue team. Get lost. If you fail to take a stand, you stand to fail. -- me In America, it's not how much it costs, but how much you save. You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso Quando omni flunkus moritati. (When all else fails, play dead). - Red Green Black holes are where God divided by zero. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. It's like looking at the flag, except I actually feel something. -- Mike George, regarding the Wall of DP Church, cult, big difference. So we get bored some other place. -- Bart I hear and I forget. I see and I forget. I do and I forget. -- confused It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Do not fear your enemies. Only a friend can betray you. -- Legend of the Five Rings: "Bayushi's Lies" It doesn't matter where you're going if you don't know how to get there. -- U. Utah Phillips Never own anything you have to feed or paint. -- U. Utah Phillips Back up my hard drive? I haven't figured out how to put it in reverse yet. Jesus is coming. Someone get him a towel. Montezuma is coming, and he's pissed. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Frank Zappa They have the Internet on computers now! -- Homer Simpson How's my surfing? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL. Give up literal Biblical interpretation for lent. -- me If we don't try, we'll never know how bad they'll beat us. -- The Simpsons Abandon the search for truth. Settle for a good fantasy. The government runs wars like a large drive-by. -- Antithesis Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees. -- Revelation 7:3 Mobius strip. For instructions, see other side. Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within. For millions of years mankind lived just like animals. Then something happened that unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk. -- Stephen Hawking on Pink Floyd's "Keep Talking" Cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan: Rebel without a clue. Don't confuse me stopping for breath with asking for your opinion. -- Red Green Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? Trying is the first step to failure. -- Homer Simpson You cannot have great men without lesser men. -- me, justifying Toku If you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest distance between two points. -- M. M. Johnston www.arentyougettingtiredofthesestupiddomainnames.com How gullible are you? Send me $30 for my home gullibility test today! Did you know they took gullible out of the dictionary? All he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H.L. Menken on Shakespeare :wq Oh, wait, we're not in vi anymore, Toto. -- me :wq Don't you just HATE that? Oh my god! They killed Hans Moleman! You bastards! Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound. -- Daniel Hinojosa What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -- my dad progasm: The intense explosion of pleasure when one of your programs compiles the first time without errors. -- Adam T. Ness The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. -- Lao Tse, Tao Te Ching The way that can be named is not the eternal way. -- Lao Tse, Tao Te Ching Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. It says he made us to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe a little ugly on the side. -- Frank Zappa Religion is the Reader's Digest of philosophy. -- me Out the ethernet card, through the switch, down the T3, out the router... nothing but Net. -- Paul J Thompson Heroin. And now, new Heroin PM! -- my dad Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Freud You cannot know what is enough unless you know what is too much. -- Lao Tse If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer. -- The Onion We then realized / We were powerless over / Our SPAM addiction -- Alex_lx That's not a signature, that's a T-shirt! -- me on an 18 line ASCII sig If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. Oh God, give me the strength to resist temptation, but not yet. - Augustine Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they're next to it. A rose, by any other name, wouldn't be as romantic. -- me In a world without walls or fences, we don't need Windows or Gates. The only thing worse than being witty is not being witty. -- Monty Python's Oscar Wilde sketch Your password is like your toothbrush. You don't give it to anyone else and you change it regularly. -- a university sysadmin Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! -- Matt Frewer Everybody should believe in something. I believe I shall have another drink The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. According to the latest figures 43% of all statistics are totally worthless If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee. That will do them in. Vini, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around. No matter how cynical you are, it gets hard to keep up. -- Lily Tomlin The people are revolting... in the good sense of the word. -- Jim Hightower It is a bypass. You've got to build bypasses. -- Hitchhiker's Guide I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I think that the welsh are the most of oppressed people... They have Prince Charles as their mascot. -- Koroshiya When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. -- L5R: Ikudaiu Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain I'm in an orgy of insulting all my email friends right now! - a web visitor Whatever you do, pack a lunch, because kicking ass is an all-day job. -- Jack Dracula I'm never having kids. They take nine months to download. -- RHF The best lack all conviction, while the worst are filled with a passionate intensity. -- W. B. Yeats, applied to Usenet Getting a woman drunk to hear storyline secrets. You guys ARE gamers. -- Joe Keyser The modern novel should be largely a work of reference. -- Flann O'Brien, At Swim-Two-Birds Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve. -- rec.humor.funny Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx You cannot figure out which side of the bread to butter beforehand. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. I am at one with my duality. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam I want tofu poofs!!! -- me We should be worrying about health care and the economy, not whether the president had sex with some Secret Service agents. -- The Onion Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's beetter than nothing. # Haiku error messages from https://gnu.org/fun/jokes/error-haiku.html A file that big? / It might be very useful / But now it is gone Yesterday it worked / Today it is not working / Windows is like that Stay the patient course / Of little worth is your ire / The network is down Three things are certain: / Death, taxes, and lost data / Guess which has occurred You step in the stream / But the water has moved on / This page is not here Out of memory / We wish to hold the whole sky / But we never will Having been erased / The document you're seeking / Must now be retyped Rather than a beep / Or a rude error message / These words: "File not found" Serious error / All shortcuts have disappeared / Screen. Mind. Both are blank. The web site you seek / Cannot be located but / Endless more exist Chaos reigns within / Reflect, repent, and reboot / Order shall return ABORTED EFFORT / Close all that you have / You ask way too much First snow, then silence / This thousand dollar screen dies / So beautifully With searching comes loss / And the presence of absence: / "My Novel" not found The Tao that is seen / Is not the true Tao, until / You bring fresh toner Windows NT crashed / I am the Blue Screen of Death / No one hears your screams A crash reduces / Your expensive computer / To a simple stone Error messages / Cannot completely convey / We now know shared loss # end error message haiku Very faintly. The name rings a triangle. -- me Chain letters are like chain smoking: _you_ may enjoy it, but it pisses off everyone around you. -- me Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. -- The Simpsons An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. Welsh cows say mw. -- me There's too much blood in my caffeine system! -- Netrunner, Jack and Joe Indecision may or may not be my problem. I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- LH What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. Siaradwch wrth y llaw ddim i'r wyneb. -- me Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen It ain't over till the Geiger counter stops ticking. -- Shadowfist: Scorched Earth Statistics are the least important part of diversity. -- me If you don't have virgin ears, you'd better lay off the Kama Sutra. -- me The Christian Right is neither. Man created God in his own image. -- Bill Moyers I have a firm grasp on reality. Now I'm going to strangle it. - Chris Hayes Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. Witty sayings prove nothing. -- Voltaire If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -- taxi driver to Florynce Kennedy and Gloria Steinem There is no lifeguard in the gene pool. -- Bizzare I can resist anything except temptation. -- Rush No matter where you go, there you are. Sexuality shouldn't be about what's hip. It's about what's between the hips LIFE is a sexually transmitted disease, with a 100% mortality rate. Windows95 really does have preemptive Multitasking: it can boot and crash at the same time. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. Printer not ready. / Could be a fatal error. / Have a pen handy? First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. Coito ergo sum. Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein My job is not to compete with Microsoft. It's to lower the value of the operating system market. -- Bob Young, RedHat CEO Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. It's rather difficult to perfume an email message. Content-type: text/scented. The mind boggles. -- Larry Wall Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow Jesus was a bastard. God is an adulterer. Famous last words: God enters by a private door into every individual. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson / Time to change the locks. -- Mike George I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisments, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson How much do we need to pay you to screw Netscape? -- Bill Gates to AOL exec While money can't buy happiness, it lets you choose your own form of misery The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. -- Maugham You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. -- Heathcote Williams Why should I spend money on clothes when I could buy an external hard drive? -- Geektalk If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. Kissing is a bit like establishing a modem compression. -- Paul Joannides Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce A '59 Cadillac Seville has more personality than most people I meet today. Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? Paranoia is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible. -- Anonymous A man's only as old as the woman he feels. -- Groucho Marx Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it - Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. -- Groucho Marx From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. -- Groucho Marx I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked. -- Groucho Marx The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made. -- Groucho Marx Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- G. Marx I was born at a very early age. -- Groucho Marx Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer that can be kicked. Keyboard, n.: An instrument for entering errors into a computer. It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than for being right. You're never alone with schizophrenia. If you build it they will come. If you charge admission, they won't. -- SP Takes more than guns to kill a man. -- Joe Hill, traditional Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! Human nature is 99% aloe and 1% inert ingredients! -- Zippy To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god. -- Jorge Luis Borges There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. -- Ellen Perry Berkeley Dogs come when they're called-Cats take a message and get back to you later I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine Time spent with cats is never wasted. -- Colette You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. Students nowadays! Complaining they only get two MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky to get one file, and that was /dev/null. When the rich wage war it is the poor who die. -- Jean-Paul Sartre Television is the opiate of a new generation. -- me The economy is a fully owned subsidiary of the environment. -- Gaylord Nelson Kids in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause kids. Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. That was Zen, this is Tao. Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Einstein The American West was built on the backs of draft dodgers. -- Tom Scrivner Finding out what goes on inside the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times Laws: good people don't need 'em, bad people don't obey 'em so why have 'em? -- Ammon Hennacy A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy Dwi'n gallu llefaru pob llinell heb atal, oherwydd does dim tafod gyda fi. "I can speak every line without a stammer, as I have no tongue." A hungry man is an angry man. -- Bob Marley A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation. This computer has performed an illegal operation. The FBI has been informed Baggins? We don't need no steenking Baggins! -- Thorin Oakenshield, _Treasure Under the Lonely Mountain_ The after life is full of the same stuff this one is. -- Red Green When I was a kid, I used to think that Dammit was God's last name, just like Christ is Jesus' last name. -- Kimberly Chapman Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them. Bo knows rehab. -- me Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. -- David Lodge Adeimantus: "I still don't understand." Socrates: "That's because you think I'm saying something deep." If I had any humility I'd be perfect. -- Ted Turner If UNIX is the Great Novel, Perl is the Cliffs Notes. -- Thomas Scoville If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Dan Quayle Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Dan Quayle Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans. -- letter to the editor, Sidney Morning Herald, on the subject of the Lewinsky affair Pat Robertson is an abomination against God. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. This list is worth it's weight in gold! -- spam for a spam list CD Know thyself. If you need help, call the FBI. -- TH, National Lampoon I ate your web page. / Forgive me. It was juicy. / And tart on my tongue. I didn't paraphrase jack, you ignorant little ego-monger. -- usenet comment Toku in the mountains, Toku in the shadowlands, Toku in the battle-maidens. -- Ree Soesbe Dough or donut, there is no pie. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees - Ronald Reagan If everything is just the same wherever you go, why go anywhere at all? -DS An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Just once I'd like to survive. -- Chris Peach How about a maximum wage? -- Jello Biafra When life deals you lemons, eat them. -- me Necessity may be the mother of invention, but boredom didn't wear a condom. Millions yearn for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- urban legend attributed to Mariah Carey /dev/null would have cared more. -- The Cube, Forum 2000 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James R. F. Quirk God doesn't take the advice of syphillitic insane Germans who never got laid and were too cowardly to join the army. -- Forum 2000 I assure you, the "pleasure" was all yours. -- Forum 2000 Keep your mind in check, libido-boy. -- The Cube, Forum 2000 He who Laughs, Lasts. Windows: Plug and play my ass. Er... -- me Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Guns don't kill people. Bullets do. The woman of your dreams is already in your bed, assuming you sleep in bed. -- Mr. Spock SOMAD, Forum 2000 Read at your own philisophical risk. -- The Cube, Forum 2000 Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Inquiring nose wants to mind. Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Air is water with holes in it. Suicide is painless, switching to NT isn't. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. This is a terrible mistake because I've used up all my English. -- Roberto Begnini I believe in God, I just spell it Nature. -- Frank Lloyd Wright The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea. ps a | awk '{print $1}' | sort -r | xargs kill -9 (Kill them all and let UNIX sort it out.) I can make beautiful music on my own, thank you. As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas. -- The Onion The future will not be user friendly. A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. -- Phyllis Schlafly I was just a child then, now I'm only a man. -- Pink Floyd, The Final Cut Hey... if I put 'Hitler' in my sig, nobody can post a follow-up! ...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. -- B. Q. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk. -- The Onion Soccer - What thrill is there in watching a sport full of men who dribble before they shoot? Whatever happened to proper ball control, that's what I want to know? -- Julian Clary All sorts of things weren't frowned on in ancient Greece. Very few of them sobered up enough to have that sort of facial control. -- Usenet comment The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. I've never tried opening a car door with a hook, but one imagines it's something like trying to remove a woman's bra with a spoon. - brunching.com New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures! With realistic smiting action! If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. WARNING: This message contains Thought and Thought By-Products. There's no Porn on this page, what the hell am I doing here? -- WWW Fights I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. What kind of game would chess be if a Rook cost $10 and a Queen cost $200? -- Bill Ingram Nothing feels better. -- an underwear commercial Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun gawk; talk; date; grep; touch; unzip; strip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; fsck; gasp; eject; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Programmers try to make things smaller, faster, and with as little user intervention as possible. No wonder we can't get a date. -- me Unix IS user friendly - it's just selective about who its friends are. A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. This is reality, I'd recognize it anywhere. -- Red Dwarf Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light." And there was still nothing. But you could see it a lot better. Innocence is when you've never slept with a bull elephant. - Bryant Durrell It is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer. -- Sun System & Network Admin manual A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. -- Carl Edward Sagan We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. There's lies, damn lies, and documentation. -- Forum 2000 If Valentine's Day is the day for lovers, what's the day for single men? Why, Palm Sunday, of course. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx How different would Usenet be if, instead of a 'Send' button, your news reader had a 'Do you think anyone really cares?' button? -- Robert Bain Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. More we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right -v generate reverberating echo -- from the mock GNU echo manpage Like any responsible journalist, I immediately went to lunch. -- Dan Savage The revolution came, but we ran out of wall. -- Forum 2000 Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. -- Dysfunctional Family Circus How can I tell whether a man who fears death is not like a man who has left home and dreads returning? -- Chuang Tsu, trans. Gia-fu Feng Every day I come closer and closer to being king of the Off-By-One Error. Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- George F. Will Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. -- on computer industry romance Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Ten years from now, you will still be a Gemini. - Forum 2000 Did you neglect to buy a Site License for the Natural Numbers? -- Forum2000 A baby in motion tends to remain at rest. One ping(8) to bring them all and in the darkness bind(2) them. -- Keith Bolland Ask not for whom the ^G tolls. -- Mike Pearson Quantum physics: The dreams that stuff is made of. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Wanks the size of Outer Mongolia do not require errata. -- Jeff Alexander Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. God is real, unless declared integer. Nowhere is it written that you have to weigh 300 pounds and play Dungeons & Dragons to be a dork. -- Dan Savage The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. -- Anonymous They took too much BSD back in the '80's. -- Forum 2000 Life is complex: Part real, part imaginary. My Tarot deck can pass the Turing Test. I constructed it on the spot. I'm sort of a roll-your-own linguist -- me Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life. -- Senator Orrin Hatch Life stinks, and don't get me started on the terrible sequel... -- TIW goto, let us go down, and there confound their language. -- Genesis 11:7 As is all too frequently the case... Kant succeeds in being technical without being precise. -- Henry E. Allison (Okay, reinventing the wheel and telling venture capitalists and the stock market that wheels are the next big thing.) -- Julian Lighton TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". -- Steven Wright Piece-of-meat vision is a male superpower and, just like Superman's X-ray vision, we can turn it on and off at will. -- Dan Savage The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you can get your opponent to say "huh?!?!?" -- Leon "I knew her like the palm of my hand." Generally speaking, slow but steady loses the race rather humiliatingly. Slow but steady wins the pie-eating contest... the moral should be changed to "Slow but steady wins the race if all the other participants are narcoleptics," or alternatively "Don't be a moron." -- www.brunching.com That's the problem with technology. No matter how advanced it may be, it only takes a nanosecond of human stupidity to bring it down. -- D. Thompson SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashley Brilliant He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde Funerals are not for the dead, but for those who still live. -- me If we don't all go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy! - M*A*S*H Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. -- Robert Byrne If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters - Nora Ephron Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. -- E.W. Howe Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. You could start your own Save the Seconds fund. -- Harper Stone to me Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave Olson You aren't libertarian until you barter on a toll road and enjoy it. -- me No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Bush and Gore make me want to Ralph. If anyone needs Marilyn Manson, it's Joe Lieberman. -- Jello Biafra The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. It has to start somewhere / It has to start some time / What better place than here / What better time than now? -- Rage Against the Machine I understand small business growth. I was one. -- George W. Bush The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire o/~ If you're quadriplegic and you know it, clap your hands... o/~ We'll do what we darn well please, or we'll stop exporting Levis jeans to your younger generation. -- rec.humor.funny Democracy proved it could thrive in Bosnia, where an impressive 103-percent voter turnout was reported -- Dave Watson I've already told you more than I know. A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce, Ulysses There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There are no stupid questions, but lots of inquisitive idiots. I don't have a messiah complex, I'm just a complex messiah. Trying to win a war is like trying to win an earthquake. We're Jojoba's Witnesses. There's a land where everyone's hair is clean... But most likely other e-mail programs like Eudora are not designed to enable virus replication. -- Microsoft virus alert She's pretty, she's a geek, she has the right number of eyes... I think I'm in love. -- www.gpf-comics.com The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. -- a Bucharest hotel lobby Please leave your values at the front desk. -- a Paris hotel elevator You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. -- a Japanese hotel Drop your trousers here for best results. -- a Bangkok dry cleaner's A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. -- an East African newspaper The manager has personally passed all the water served here. -- An Acapulco Hotel I am Jack's signature. Talk to the Palm. -- Andy Ihnatko Boobs are boobs, they're just accessorized differently. -- Andy Ihnatko It has nothing to do with logic. It has to do with the law. -- Dave Grusin The plural of 'anecdote' is not 'evidence.' An item in Thursday's Nation Digest about the Massachusetts budget crisis made reference to new taxes that will help Massachusetts 'back in the African American.' The item should have said 'back in the black'. You would think we could figure out how to fix buffer overflows by now. -- Steve Ballmer, CEO, Microsoft ... has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!! MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!! -- a spam Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch! Perl should only be studied as a second language. A good first language would be English. -- Larry Wall Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -- J. Finnegan, USC Satisfaction guaranteed or you are one picky bastard. -- memepool.com Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. -- IU cheer Read between the lies. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. -- G. K. Chesterton We're confident that we are taking all of the right steps on an ongoing basis to incorporate the most sophisticated technologies available. -- Susan Altman Prescott of Adobe on software using Rot13 encryption If meeting celebrities in unpleasant dark hangouts is what Hell's all about, it's even more like LA than I suspected. -- LFS, www.brunching.com You have new spam. Subject: Nude Celebri Tease You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. Rage against the turing machine. -- memepool.com My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant lifeform had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt. Hello, and thank you for calling Microsoft technical support. May I ask what version of Code Red your server is runnung? First on the scene - because we're the victim. -- memepool.com Attract Men With Bigger Breasts -- a spam "The devil doesn't exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness." "Just as he did God, then?" -- Fyodor Dostoevsky If we believe absurdities we will commit atrocities. -- Voltaire Inner child pornography -- memepool.com Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - Wernher von Braun Thou shalt not obey this commandment. -- me Osama is not in Kabul - he is not living in mud houses of poor people. - MW all the news that's fit to cut and paste -- memepool.com Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Nietzsche This book is a mirror. When a monkey looks in, no apostle looks out. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. The meanies justify the ends. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. If membership in a terrorist organization is a prosecutable offense, they ought to round up every citizen of the United States of America. -- me People of accomplishment rarely sit back and let things happen to them. They go out and happen to things. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner People who feel the world is tilted against them will spawn the kind of hatred that is very dangerous for all of us. I think it's a healthy sign that there are demonstrators in the streets. They are raising the question of 'is the rich world giving back enough?' -- Bill Gates Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. A think tank is just a brain in a vat, but manipulated by deranged politicians instead of philosophically minded scientists. -- me mighty morphine power rangers -- a web searcher hitting my homepage Would you eat a cereal titled "Fellati-O's?" -- Aaron Medwin The best offense is the Department of Defense Jerry Falwell needs to turn the other ass cheek. -- me Modern versions of Windows are the tentacle porn of computing. -- me If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. All life is a blur of satin sheets & Orson Welles movies!! -- Zippy My Goodness! My Goddess! -- me A person does not drink to get drunk. -- Richard Nixon At the end of the day, or at the end of the party, when everyone goes home, you're stuck with yourself. -- Layne Staley Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. -- Leo Tolstoy The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. When the mythology is alive, you don't have to tell anybody what it means. - Joseph Campbell If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? The only true currency in this world is what you share with another person when you're uncool. -- Almost Famous Can you wage war against an abstract noun? -- Terry Jones Jell-O is square, but only if you chill it in a square pan. -- Cat and Girl Some of our cavities are better developed than others. -- Prof. Dubson If I was Saddam Hussein, I'd pay a human rights organization to draft an International Declaration to Have My Ass Overthrown! Cause you know the US wouldn't go along with it. -- www.mnftiu.cc The road to recovery is a rocky one. -- Gov. Jeb Bush, on his daughter's crack addiction Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. -- Marcus Brigstocke [I was] disenfranchised arguing with dead men who couldn't offer their answers. -- Scott Hadsall A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. -- William Blake If you want to drink milk, you don't necessarily need to keep a cow. An auto-park is just a parking park. -- me Spreading Truth Through Vice. -- Van Lepthien It's not about how much stock you have, it's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with. -- The Simpsons I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot. Strong. With a spoon in them. -- Eddie Izzard Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade. Only Life didn't give me any sugar so it didn't taste very good. -- Cat and Girl, "Boy Gets a Lemon" "What did people do before the internet?" "Sat around not knowing how to play backgammon." -- Cat and Girl, "It's Raining" Don't do as they say / just say as they do. No flavor's quite so bitter / as the taste of one's own shoe. -- Primus, "Mama Didn't Raise No Fool" One cannot look at holding people accountable as a solution to these problems. -- FBI Director Robert Mueller Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. -- unknown The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. -- /usr/games/fortune I can't be an outsider if you keep inviting me places! -- Cat and Girl I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt I was in a Herpes commercial. -- Cat and Girl, "Cat in Slumberland" It was a chord, not a tangent. It started and ended on the original conversation. -- me When a man takes what is yours, do not demand it back. -- Luke 6:30 Designations of moral value were everywhere first applied to human beings and only later and derivatively to actions. -- Nietzsche I have suddenly awoken in the midst of this dream but only to the consciousness that I am dreaming and that I have to go on dreaming in order not to be destroyed. -- Nietzsche The first discovery I'd like to present here is an algorithm for lazy evaluation of research papers. Just write whatever you want and don't cite any previous work, and indignant readers will send you references to all the papers you should have cited. -- Paul Graham I've always been partial to calling myself up and asking myself out. One thing is, you're always there. -- Tom Waits The last thing we need is a new reproduction strategy for cats. -- Texas A&M researchers who produced the world's first cloned cat Why bother moving forward when you can slide infinitely sideways? -- Cat and Girl, "A Present for Cat and Girl" Technically you would only need one time traveler convention. -- Cat and Girl, "A Present for Cat and Girl" Why can't I just have a hennah husband? -- Margaret Cho Working for the Democratic Party is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. -- Utah Phillips Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only she did it backwards and in heels. Stochastic algorithm seeks heuristic relationship. -- G.J. Nelson Oh no! She's stuck in an infinite loop! And he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you. -- Futurama Sexually active young people need to be treated like campsites. They should be left in better shape than they were found. -- Dan Savage "The case is Washington Legal Foundation v. Legal Foundation of Washington" Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall never enter it. -- Luke 18:17 We should not be bombing Afghanistan any more than we should have bombed Chicago because Al Capone lived there. -- Arthur Heyderman I know a large firm you can consult with any time, baby. -- The Brak Show This is just another way of starting a sentence with the word "this" and ending it with the word "that." -- George Carlin Teenagers these days don't have as much sex as they want each other to think they do. The last thing our faltering economy needs right now is for the normally robust fetish-gear sector to go into a slump. -- Dan Savage Don't even think! People have died for lettuce. There's no point in saving the world if it means losing the moon. -alacrity If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You cannot argue that a film is bad but that the color is good or vice versa. The image is a fact, the colors *are* the story. -- Antonioni The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal than to kill. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 You know what I haven't had in a while? A seizure. -- www.catandgirl.com Why bother getting dressed? You'll just take it all off when you go to bed again. -- me The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. -- Rene Descartes No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. "What's the most dangerous part of the Middle East?" "Middle East St. Louis." -- Capn. Ribman Go away, I'm all right. -- last words of H.G. Wells How did reason come into the world? As is fitting, in an irrational manner, by accident. One will have to guess at it as at a riddle. -- Nietzsche Never underestimate the bandwidth of a hurtling station wagon filled with 8-track tapes. -- Andy Tannenbaum France lost a great novel last night. -- Victor Hugo, after sleeping with his mistress "The 90s are totally back!" "I hope we don't have to ironically appreciate Creed." -- Cat and Girl, "Time Again for Cat and Girl" The only difference between my life and my dreams is the position of my eyes. -- Holly Victor Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" The press of time does not diminish the constitutional concern. A desire for speed is not a general excuse for ignoring equal protection guarantees. -- U.S. Supreme Court, Bush/Gore decision I'm Commander in Chief of the world's biggest deficit. -- Toles A relationship is a myth that two people create together, and myths tend to play fast and loose with the facts. -- Dan Savage Lisp is the Tengwar of programming languages. Can I trade my happiness for some money? -- Bob in Dilbert Make sure you are good and fucked up by the time you grade my homework. -- LiveJournal comment by mpv7 Success is for losers. -- Cat and Girl, www.catandgirl.com "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. Let me help you! said the rabbit, pulling the fish out of the water and putting him in a tree. You might drown! -- Alan Watts I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky The Stone Age did not end for lack of stone, and the Oil Age will end long before the world runs out of oil. -- Saudi Arabian Oil Minister Sheikh Zaki Yamani There is always more hell that needs raising. -- Lauren Leveut The difference between obvious and oblivious is 51. -- me A sufficiently high level of technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke A sufficiently high level of techno is indistinguishable from music. -- me I'm sort of a social caterpillar. -- me Did I have a dream, or did the dream have me? -- Rush Posting at the top [writing email comments at the top and leaving the response below] because that's where the cursor happened to be is like shitting in your pants because that's where your asshole happened to be. The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T.H. White Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. Next year I'm dressing up like David Cook the Poser for Halloween. Just like me, now, only I'll know it's just an outfit. -- David Cook When the elephant enters the tent, the tent is never the same. The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got! Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -- James F. Byrnes SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson There's no 'u' in "vagina," but there is an 'i' in "penis." -- me & MLE Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. In other words, there is an evolutionary reason why some but not all teenagers can act like such foolish idiots. -- Tyler Cowen, MarginalRevolution.com Power corrupts, but PowerPoint corrupts absolutely. Religion is a defense against religious experiences. -- Carl Jung Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. The 60 Hertz buzz of the florescent lighting no longer drives me insane. It is more the classes, the deadlines, the assignments, and the people. -- altamira16 A woman's chastity consists, like an onion, of a series of coats. -- Hawthorne An unattempted woman cannot boast of her chastity. -- Montaigne There's no place like 127.0.0.1 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. Ceci n'est pas une signature. If you can put it on a T-shirt, it's speech. -- Prof. David Touretzky Why is it perfectly legal to post a diagram of how to build a bomb on the net, but you can't post a code that descrambles DVDs? -- Boondocks It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. -- Robert Anton Wilson If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. -- Bertrand Russell I wish I had answers. Instead I have Livejournal. -- dilemma "Help me! Someone help me!" "You must learn to help yourself citizen. I'm not here to enable you!" -- Dr. Blink If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Cul-de-Sacs are the capillaries of the city. Mistakes are part of the ritual. -- Robert Aitken, _Zen Master Raven_ I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover I'm missing something in my life, but I think it's just because I haven't eaten dinner. -- Dave Cook We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism. -- Dilbert "Follow your dreams." "My dream leads to scurvy." -- www.catandgirl.com You might be a TechnoPagan if... your search for truth involves regular expressions. The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. -- Mark Twain For goodness sake - at the rate the conservatives are moving a fetus will be able to get married before I will! -- Stephanie Murib Which is it: is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's blunders? -- Friedrich Nietzsche The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Christianity came into existence in order to lighten the heart; but now it has first to burden the heart so as afterwards to be able to lighten it. -- Friedrich Nietzsche I'm so excited I could dump core. -- www.gpf-comics.com All problems in computer science can be solved by adding another layer of abstraction. "A copyrighted work is not a gift." -- Rep. Mary Bono R-CA. "Don't give me a Sonny and Cher album for Christmas!" -- me The Buick stops here. -- me W00t. Kisses in exchange for UNIX knowledge. I must have died and gone to /dev/heaven -- me But the thing that scared me most was when my enemy came close / And I saw that his face looked just like mine. -- Bob Dylan, "John Brown" I don't understand why people still think that Satanic cults exist anywhere other than in the imagination of law enforcement officials, Christian extremists and mothers who hate heavy metal. -- Margaret Cho The little man picks the cotton, the big man gets the money. -- Bob Wills If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. -- Rush, "Freewill" In the original ending of the Civil War, Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee got married. -- "Cat and Girl in the Audience" Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we, They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. -- George W. Bush That depends on what the meaning of "is" is. -- Bill Clinton ASCII to ASCII and DOS to DOS. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal. Coming to you from Nevada City, CA -- a town so small we don't have a village idiot; we all have to chip in. -- U Utah Phillips To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. rw-rw-rw- : File protection of the Beast. --x--x--x : umask of the Beast. VI VI VI : Text editor of the Beast. 660 : Approximate number of the Beast 1/666 : Inverse of the Beast DCLXVI : Roman numeral of the Beast 1010011010 : Bits of the Beast 29A : Hex of the Beast $665.95 : Retail price of the Beast $699.25 : Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax $769.95 : Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 : Walmart price of the Beast $333.00 : After Christmas sale Price of the Beast $222.00 : Going Out Business Liquidation Price of the Beast 00666 : ZIP code of the Beast 1-800-666-6666 : Toll-free number of the Beast 1-900-666-0666 : Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. Route 666 : Highway of the Beast 666(k) : Retirement plan of the Beast 6.66% : 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit i66686 : CPU of the Beast 666i : BMW of the Beast DSM-666 : Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 668 : Next-door neighbor of the Beast Phillips 666 : Gasoline of the Beast 665 : Older brother of the Beast 667 : Younger brother of the Beast 666 UP : Soft drink of the Beast 666 F : Oven temperature for roast Beast 666 K : Melting temperature of the Beast 666 mg : Recommended minimum daily value of the Beast 666/20 : Vision of the Beast 6" X 6" X 6" : Lumber of the Beast 66.6 GHz : Computer processor of the Beast 666-66-6666 : Social Security Number of the Beast 6/6/66 : Birth Date of the Beast 666 calories : Diet of the Beast 969 : Dyslexic number of the Beast WD-666 : Spray Lubricant of the Beast 66.6 MHz FM : Radio Station of the Beast 666 KHz AM : Radio Station of the Beast Colt 666 : Revolver of the Beast ::: (Kun w/ 3 moving lines) : Trigram of the Beast sick, sick, sick : Diagnosis of the Beast 999 : Marsupial of the Beast #666 : background-color of the Beast Windows 95 - a 32 bit graphical interface to a 16 bit patch on an 8 bit OS for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. Jesus didn't wear a suit, but people listened anyway. -- me I have bought this wonderful machine--a computer. Now I am rather an authority on gods, so I identified the machine--it seems to me to be an Old Testament god with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbell You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting. Your mouse pointer has moved. You must reboot Windows for this change to take effect. A lie can travel halfway 'round the world before truth can get its boots on. -- Mark Twain American Non Sequitur Society: we don't make sense, but we do like pizza. Dyslexics have more unf. Merry xwindows and a happy GNU year! I'm sorry to say that being a regular reader of Savage Love doesn't carry a lot of weight with me. Judging from my e-mail, a lot of my regular readers, to say nothing of my fans, are out of their fucking minds. -- Dan Savage If I hated freedom, I would have attacked Sweden. -- Osama Bin Laden I met a girl at the Mobius Strip Club, but she was one-dimensional. -- me Some will rob you with a six shooter, some with a fountain pen. -- Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd" Sometimes the cards aren't worth it to hide if you don't lay 'em down. -- Grateful Dead, "Truckin'" Martin Luther King, Jr. was inspired by Mahatma Gandhi who was inspired by Henry David Thoreau who was inspired by squirrels. Therefore, civil rights were made possible by squirrels. -- me Those who don't hear the music think the dancer is mad. In the pages of Cosmo / They like 'em waify and thin / Now wouldn't it be nice if Calvin Klein / Helped Susie wipe the vomit from her chin -- Colonel Claypool's Bucket of Bernie Brains Is this a two thumbs up mountain? -- Cat and Girl, "The Numbers Racket" Spam is the .tar.gz of food. -- The Cube, Forum 2000 "Cat" and "can't," while they may possess the same initial two letters and indeed sound similar, are concepts separated by a vast, vast schism. -- caesia Sometimes truth is lamer than fiction. -- David Cook Let's get the whale lover's pizza. -- Cat and Girl www.catandgirl.com You're right. If the dirigible hits an iceberg, it's all over. -- The Cube His disciples said to him, "When will you be visible to us? And when will we see you?" [Jesus] said, "When you undress and are not ashamed." -- The Gosepl of Thomas Life is a problem with an undefined goal-state. -- me It's amazing how many morons you find when you scratch the silver stuff off of smart people with a penny. -- The Cube What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not. Kent's Heuristic: Look for love where you would most like to find it. I think the musician expressed the pain and disbelief he felt after realizing that under heavy loads his kernel is spending unreasonably huge amounts of time in unlock_vma_mappings() -- The Cube Heisenberg may have slept here. Game includes board, strategy guide, Iago, Othello, Desdemona (and pillow), and thirty innocent Pawns. Replacement Desdemonas sold separately. -- The Cube Logic comes afterwards. It's how we retrace our steps. It's being wise after the event. Before the event you have to be very silly. -- Douglas Adams, _The Salmon of Doubt_ At the end of all this being-determined-to-be-a-jack-of-all-trades, I think I'm better off just sitting down and putting a hundred thousand words in a cunning order. -- Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt It's hard to imagine that nothing at all could be so exciting, could be so much fun. -- The Talking Heads, "Heaven" We will pay the price but we will not count the cost. -- Rush MY ENIAC IS FULL OF EELS. -- The Cube What? You didn't have any bipolar bisexual smiths-listening unrequited crush-object mathematicians at your disposal? -- The Cube I am not a number. I am a free man! -- The Prisoner My uber-semantics is not concerned with the trivialities of a programming language. -- The Cube Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny. -- Frank Zappa Nothing long is ever pleasing. -- Don Quixote "Oh great Oracle! What do you predict?" "I forsee much bloat." Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you cash them in. If I told you I'd have to kill you, and that's not supported in standard HTML. -- The Cube My left brain deleted the email before my right brain could read it. - Cube Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like an order of magnitude. -- The Cube SysAdmins can't be sued for malpractice, but surgeons don't have to deal with patients who install new versions of their own innards. -- The Cube Don't be ashamed of being sexually inexperienced. It's way hotter than being prematurely slutty. -- "K", Savage Love 6/23/2005 I have enough problems starting a relationship with one person that polyamory hasn't had a chance to become an issue. -- me Sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand. -- Cool Hand Luke Callin' it a job don't make it right, boss. -- Cool Hand Luke Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao Tsu Therefore, by transitivity, we see that forewarned is half an octopus, Q.E.D. -- The Cube Breach of social contract, ten yard penalty, no first kiss. -- The Cube When you eat honey, you're having sex with every flower partner the bees have ever had. -- The Cube Indeed, for a short while RMS pretended that Emacs really was the GNU OS kernel. -- /usr/games/fortune Reduce, Reuse, Refactor. -- me It was a bungee jump on Wall Street. -- The Cube Pol Pottery Barn's a bust. / We should try Banana Republic. -- Cat and Girl If television's a babysitter, The Internet's a drunk librarian who won't shut up. -- Cat and Girl, "Large Mediums" www.catandgirl.com The Bible says cast your bread upon the water, but all I got was soggy bread. -- Ned Flanders I think there are places in the script where it explicitly says stuff like, "Z walked over the hill and saw a bucket of chicken that was so large that single-precision IEEE floating point wasn't enough to adequately describe its girth." -- The Cube Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. These fucking people get so excited about their own creativity that they forget to count the fucking syllables. -- The Cube Those who don't remember the past are doomed to watch it in syndication. -- Cat and Girl, "Conspiracy Theorists" I'd like 2 eggs ovaries-y, please. -- The Cube The key words "MUST", "REQUIRED", "SHALL", "SHALL NOT", "SHOULD", "SHOULD NOT", "RECOMMENDED", "MAY", and "OPTIONAL" are to be interpreted as described in RFC2119. -- The Cube Trilobyte hard drive: keep your data forever! Today's kids are single-series readers of either Harry Potter or the Bible, depending on the family. -- The Onion As a big believer in 'trickle-down' economics, I know what a $35 billion profit boost [for oil companies] means for me, the consumer: a free Atlanta Falcons travel mug with every fill-up. -- The Onion It's very important to remember that it's [the music label's] intellectual property, it's not [their] computer. -- Department of Homeland Security I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- Aristotle "I've just switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin." "I've just switched from beer to whiskey." -- Cat and Girl, "Happy Hour" A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan Anyone who is "not technically a prostitute" is a prostitute. - Roger Ebert Green is the new Red, White, and Blue. -- Thomas L. Friedman Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Whew, it's kinda cramped living in that critical section. -- The Cube When you want something really bad and you close your eyes and wish for it, God's the guy who ignores you. -- The Island Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. -- Nicolas Chamfort You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" That's what you get if you belong to a religion that started before the invention of the printing press. -- The Cube Jesus will still be there after lunch. -- me Why bother? In 4000 years the Bangles will be making silly songs about you. -- The Cube As long as the basic needs of heat and cold have been satisfied and no genitalia is flinging about, then the clothing need has been met. You won't get a refund if you overpray. -- Phish, "Lifeboy" If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted. Please stay a child somewhere in your heart. - U2 "Original of the Species" We don't have to make children to make love. -- Prince, "If I Was Your Girlfriend" Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality. -- The Onion I infer that you're an adherent of Jahweh 2.x, rather than 1.x. -- Cube /earth: file system full. Marvin Gaye sang "What's Goin' On," but he also sang "Let's Get It On." -- Tavis Smiley We all die in the end. If we're lucky, we die delicious. -- Cat and Girl, "Donner Party Platter" I'm a theoretical vegetarian. All of the moral superiority, none of the soy! -- Cat and Girl, "Donner Party Platter" [Drag queens] are not women trapped in male bodies. [They're] celebrities trapped in normal people's bodies. -- Josh Kilmer-Purcell Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch. -- The Simpsons I've gladly done my part to reduce the world's PhD surplus. There's never enough nudity on Coney Island. -- Conan O'Brien If we don't protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the assholes are? -- The Onion It's an evolutionary advantage for the population to have some freaks running around, in case something weird happens. -- The Cube History is written by the victors. Losers write fanfic. -- Cat and Girl, "Historical Fiction" When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -- Henry J. Kaiser Mr. T said he will help people stop pittying their inner fools. -- Conan O'Brien Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. -- Heisenberg If they are to be motivated to save Nebraska from the clutches of the Kergillians, they need to have more in common with Nebraska than the Kergillians. -- Jeff Boes Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus. -- Family Guy You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are. -- Colonel Adolphus Busch The pie takes the shape of the can, but it never *becomes* the can. -- Cat and Girl, "Sad Dinner" He "enclosed" all of his "points" in "scare" "quotes." -- me Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich Some groups in the West enjoy calling things or people a threat. -- Iranian President Ahmadinejad Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrik Ibsen It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. Are monsters real? Of course they are. I've seen their trucks. -- Cat and Girl, "Getting Old" Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. -- Ronald Reagan To err is human, to moo bovine. A hard man is good to find. -- Mae West Why isn't it Friday today? -- Phish, "Friday" We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked power. There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation. -- Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart Cleanliness is next to impossible. Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail! -- Bryan Michael Wendt Implicit in the term 'national defense' is the notion of defending those values and ideas which set this nation apart... It would indeed be ironic if, in the name of national defense, we would sanction the subversion of... those liberties... which make the defense of the nation worthwhile. - Judge Anna Diggs Taylor You are not a loan. -- Dave Cook If a lady were to present a glove to her champion, the champion's only responsibility is to return the glove to the lost and found. -- Cat and Girl I'm not a big fan of symbolic gestures, but at least this symbolic gesture is water-resistant and keeps accurate time. -- Soren Ragsdale For there to be a problem here, you're basically assuming a premise where you have some evil and nefarious election officials who would sneak in and introduce a piece of software... I don't believe these evil elections people exist. -- Diebold spokesman David Bear It's not the best solution to removing a corrupt leader, but it sure does the job better than the electoral college. -- The Onion Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. -- Will Rogers Words fail me. Pictures aren't much better. -- R. Crumb Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity. -- Albert Einstein Google can be considered a fusion of the startup and grad-school mentalities. -- Stevey Want it delivered Tuesday, October 3? Order it in the next 69 hours and 47 minutes, and choose One-Day Shipping at checkout. -- Amazon.com's odd usage of "one day" I'm a solipsist and, I have to say, I'm surprised there aren't more of us. -- a letter to Bertrand Russell Honor is not the exclusive property of any political party - Herbert Hoover Like a child who has never remembered having a dream being told to have sweet dreams. -- Gregory Maguire, _Wicked_ Law is mind without reason. -- Aristotle The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. -- Muhammad Ali By giving passengers renewed access to these gels, lotions, and shampoos, we run the risk of creating a very dangerous, highly evasive, and super-slippery terrorist able to avoid all manners of restraint. -- The Onion Now is more like the future than ever before. Without music, life would be a mistake. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Users prefer a double-edged sword to a blunt one. -- Paul Graham, On Lisp A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -- Douglas Adams The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. -- Alfred Hitchcock And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years. -- Abraham Lincoln Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. -- Hee Haw What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster. -- Isaac Asimov A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain Lost time is never found again. -- Benjamin Franklin Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room -- The Onion This is an affront against the Lord, who was always a proponent of pulling out and climaxing all over her tits. -- The Onion You don't love me. You love the mask I put on for the world. -- "Cat and Girl's Spooky Costume Hut" To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. - Thoreau "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war." "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live." -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5. This is the problem with Republicans: They plan two years in advance for a convention and two months in advance for a war. -- The Onion The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence. -- The Onion Homeownersexuality. -- Cat and Girl # From Wired 14.11: Very Short Stories http://wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html God said, "Cancel Program GENESIS." The universe ceased to exist. -- Arthur C. Clarke Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket. -- William Shatner Computer, did we bring batteries? Computer? -- Eileen Gunn Vacuum collision. Orbits diverge. Farewell, love. -- David Brin Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so. -- Joss Whedon Automobile warranty expires. So does engine. -- Stan Lee Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time -- Alan Moore Longed for him. Got him. Shit. -- Margaret Atwood His penis snapped off; he's pregnant! -- Rudy Rucker From torched skyscrapers, men grew wings. -- Gregory Maguire Internet "wakes up?" Ridicu -- no carrier. -- Charles Stross With bloody hands, I say good-bye. -- Frank Miller Wasted day. Wasted life. Dessert, please. -- Steven Meretzky "Cellar?" "Gate to, uh ... hell, actually." -- Ronald D. Moore Epitaph: Foolish humans, never escaped Earth. -- Vernor Vinge It cost too much, staying human. -- Bruce Sterling We kissed. She melted. Mop please! -- James Patrick Kelly It's behind you! Hurry before it -- Rockne S. O'Bannon I'm your future, child. Don't cry. -- Stephen Baxter 1940: Young Hitler! Such a cantor! -- Michael Moorcock Lie detector eyeglasses perfected: Civilization collapses. -- Richard Powers I'm dead. I've missed you. Kiss ... ? -- Neil Gaiman The baby's blood type? Human, mostly. -- Orson Scott Card Kirby had never eaten toes before. -- Kevin Smith Rained, rained, rained, and never stopped. -- Howard Waldrop To save humankind he died again. -- Ben Bova We went solar; sun went nova. -- Ken MacLeod Husband, transgenic mistress; wife: "You cow!" -- Paul Di Filippo "I couldn't believe she'd shoot me." -- Howard Chaykin Don't marry her. Buy a house. -- Stephen R. Donaldson Broken heart, 45, WLTM disabled man. -- Mark Millar TIME MACHINE REACHES FUTURE!!! ... nobody there ... -- Harry Harrison Tick tock tick tock tick tick. -- Neal Stephenson Easy. Just touch the match to -- Ursula K. Le Guin New genes demand expression -- third eye. -- Greg Bear K.I.A. Baghdad, Aged 18 - Closed Casket -- Richard K. Morgan WORLD'S END. Sic transit gloria Monday. -- Gregory Benford Epitaph: He shouldn't have fed it. -- Brian Herbert Batman Sues Batsignal: Demands Trademark Royalties. -- Cory Doctorow Heaven falls. Details at eleven. -- Robert Jordan Bush told the truth. Hell froze. -- William Gibson whorl. Help! I'm caught in a time -- Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel Nevertheless, he tried a third time. -- James P. Blaylock God to Earth: "Cry more, noobs!" -- Marc Laidlaw Help! Trapped in a text adventure! -- Marc Laidlaw Thought I was right. I wasn't. -- Graeme Gibson Lost, then found. Too bad. -- Graeme Gibson Three to Iraq. One came back. -- Graeme Gibson Rapture postponed. Ark demanded! Which one? -- David Brin Dinosaurs return. Want their oil back. -- David Brin Bang postponed. Not Big enough. Reboot. -- David Brin Temporal recursion. I'm dad and mom? -- David Brin Time Avenger's mistaken! It wasn't me... -- David Brin Democracy postponed. Whence franchise? Ask Diebold... -- David Brin Cyborg seeks egg donor, object ___. -- David Brin Deadline postponed. Five words enough...? -- David Brin Metrosexuals notwithstanding, quiche still lacks something. -- David Brin Brevity's virtue? Wired saves adspace. Subscribe! -- David Brin Death postponed. Metastasized cells got organized. -- David Brin Microsoft gave us Word. Fiat lux? -- David Brin Mind of its own. Damn lawnmower. -- David Brin Singularity postponed. Datum missing. Query Godoogle? -- David Brin Please, this is everything, I swear. -- Orson Scott Card I saw, darling, but do lie. -- Orson Scott Card Osama's time machine: President Gore concerned. -- Charles Stross Sum of all fears: AND patented. -- Charles Stross Ships fire; princess weeps, between stars. -- Charles Stross Mozilla devastates Redmond, Google's nuke implicated. -- Charles Stross Will this do (lazy writer asked)? -- Ken MacLeod Cryonics: Disney thawed. Mickey gnawed. Omigawd. -- Eileen Gunn WIRED stimulates the planet: Utopia blossoms! -- Paul Di Filippo Clones demand rights: second Emancipation Proclamation. -- Paul Di Filippo MUD avatars rebel: virtual Independence Day. -- Paul Di Filippo We crossed the border; they killed us. -- Howard Waldrop H-bombs dropped; we all died. -- Howard Waldrop Your house is mine: soft revolution. -- Howard Waldrop Warskiing; log; prop in face. -- Howard Waldrop The Axis in WWII: haiku! Gesundheit. -- Howard Waldrop Salinger story: three koans in fountain. -- Howard Waldrop Finally, he had no more words. -- Gregory Maguire There were only six words left. -- Gregory Maguire In the beginning was the word. -- Gregory Maguire Commas, see, add, like, nada, okay? -- Gregory Maguire Weeping, Bush misheard Cheney's deathbed advice. -- Gregory Maguire Corpse parts missing. Doctor buys yacht. -- Margaret Atwood Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved. -- Margaret Atwood He read his obituary with confusion. -- Steven Meretzky Time traveler's thought: "What's the password?" -- Steven Meretzky I win lottery. Sun goes nova. -- Steven Meretzky Steve ignores editor's word limit and -- Steven Meretzky Leia: "Baby's yours." Luke: "Bad news..." -- Steven Meretzky Parallel universe. Bush, destitute, joins army. -- Steven Meretzky Dorothy: "Fuck it, I'll stay here." -- Steven Meretzky # End Wired 14.11: Very Short Stories Animosity toward gays and lesbians is one of the few issues that unites Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land. -- AP Wire I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. -- Emo Phillips Yesterday did not stay. -- Li Bo If Every Kiss begins with Kay, does that mean that every Smooch begins with S&M? I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. -- Thomas Paine I am not a compulsive shopper. I'm just a kleptomaniac with a strong guilt complex. -- The Onion If you analyse anything, you destroy it. -- Arthur Miller Every good work of software starts by scratching a developer's personal itch. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Good programmers know what to write. Great ones know what to rewrite (and reuse). -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" If you have the right attitude, interesting problems will find you. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When you lose interest in a program, your last duty to it is to hand it off to a competent successor. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Treating your users as co-developers is your least-hassle route to rapid code improvement and effective debugging. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Release early. Release often. And listen to your customers. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Given a large enough beta-tester and co-developer base, almost every problem will be characterized quickly and the fix obvious to someone. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Linus's Law: Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Smart data structures and dumb code works a lot better than the other way around. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" If you treat your beta-testers as if they're your most valuable resource, they will respond by becoming your most valuable resource. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Often, the most striking and innovative solutions come from realizing that your concept of the problem was wrong. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Perfection (in design) is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but rather when there is nothing more to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, quoted in Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Any tool should be useful in the expected way, but a truly great tool lends itself to uses you never expected. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When writing gateway software of any kind, take pains to disturb the data stream as little as possible - and never throw away information unless the recipient forces you to! -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When your language is nowhere near Turing-complete, syntactic sugar can be your friend. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" A security system is only as secure as its secret. Beware of pseudo-secrets. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" To solve an interesting problem, start by finding a problem that is interesting to you. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Provided the development coordinator has a communications medium at least as good as the Internet, and knows how to lead without coercion, many heads are inevitably better than one. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" It may well turn out that one of the most important effects of open source's success will be to teach us that play is the most economically efficient mode of creative work. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Conway's Law: If you have four groups working on a compiler, you'll get a 4-pass compiler. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -- Isaac Asimov There are three ways of knowing a thing. Take for instance a flame. One can be told of the flame, one can see the flame with his own eyes, and finally one can reach out and be burned by it. In this way, we Sufis seek to be burned by God. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -- Robert Frost What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey When we were young, we were told that "Everybody else is doing it" was a really stupid reason to do something. Now it's the standard reason for picking a particular software package. -- Barry Gehm In Heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no. -- Woody Allen There is a reason why Baskin-Robins does not carry onion sherbet. - The Cube C:\>, SENOR -- Diesel Sweeties What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? - Doctor Who If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. -- Sam Levenson In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. -- Albert Einstein Strictly speaking, the Riemann-Zeta function couldn't have given you herpes. -- XKCD #113 Make me a sadwich. / What? Make it yourself. / Sudo make me a sandwich. / Okay. -- XKCD #149 What a gosh-darned cunt. -- XKCD #75 When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. -- Thomas Szasz I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower Don't get stuck in a closet: wear yourself out. Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. - Donn Seeley This question is not about sex. I'm lonely as all hell. Any advice? / Masturbate. Hang out with friends. Repeat. -- Savage Love To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. -- Voltaire A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. -- Henry Fielding For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken You're grosser than a dozen dozens. -- Diesel Sweeties #1653 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates So, when I look at the sun, I am actually looking back in time 8 minutes? Yes, and apparently, 8 minutes ago hurts like a motherfucker. -- User 956, Slashdot There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness. -- Pearl S. Buck When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. -- Bertrand Russell I trust those who follow rules they don't entirely believe more than I trust those who believe in rules they don't entirely follow. -- Cat and Girl, "Judeo-Christian Pancake Party" Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde / Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed Usenetter Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 'Taft in a wet t-shirt contest' is the key image here. -- http://xkcd.com/c214.html Thirty days hath September... April, June and November. All the rest have thirty-one. That's when I'll slip you the tongue! -- Diesel Sweeties #1669 Roses are red, violets are blue, this card makes no sense, but at least it's from you! -- Diesel Sweeties #1669 We made too many wrong mistakes. -- Yogi Berra Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism, In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy. -- David Korten Curiosity is the fire under the ass of humanity. -- Northern Exposure The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god. -- Napoleon Linux; a re-Gnu-able resource. -- Gareth Barnard I suppose it's better to be weird than extinct. - Diesel Sweeties #1684 make install -not war -- Slashdot signature by Doc Ruby Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst Friends, n.: People who know you well, but like you anyway. No one beats off to James Dean or River Phoenix or Marilyn Monroe or Mary Todd Lincoln without feeling a little creepy, a little hopeless, and a little closer to the grave himself. -- Dan Savage But the possibility of abuse may be a good reason for leaving capabilities out of other computer languages, it's not a good reason for leaving capabilities out of Perl. -- Larry Wall It's amazing how they always solve the mystery right before they run out of pages. -- Marge Simpson What do you have against boys? As little surface area as possible. -- Diesel Sweeties 1/24/2007 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn The first rule of biology: Food + Time = Poop. -- Diesel Sweeties 1697 In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. -- Mogens Jallberg If America is anything it's a land of opportunity for people who already have a shitload of money. -- The Onion I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, but I draw the line at having Latino immigrants in this country with more money than I have. -- The Onion The time will come when the comfort, the very existence, perhaps, of man will depend upon that wonderful agent [electricity]. -- Nikola Tesla It is not humans that I love, but humanity. -- Nikola Tesla Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. - Louise Beal Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. -- Stepen Hawking You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't keep them. -- Anthony Haden-Guest I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty. -- bar Jonah, Theology Web Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. -- Mark Twain It's possible to be a conservative without appearing to be an idiot. -- Roscoe Bartlett, Republican from Maryland: If you don't see the bug where you're looking, perhaps you're looking in the wrong place. We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -- Winston Churchill I [should] enter a "substance treatment" program. / I recommend that I immediately treat you to a substance known as "ice-cold beer." -- Red Meat, "itch-fighting cortex ointment" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." -- Muad'dib, Dune We're not in infinity, we're in the suburbs. -- I <3 Huckabees Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. -- Robert Anton Wilson I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- An English Professor I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway. -- Evan Esar Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it. -- Jules Renard My dream girl is better at kissing than math... but she's *really* good at math. -- Diesel Sweeties 4/1/2007 I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm. -- James Thurber Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. -- The Cube One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. -- AA Milne The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart Fashion changes faster than the thermostat at the national menopause convention. -- Cat and Girl, "A Night at the Opera" Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire Normal people learn in order to survive. Geeks survive in order to have time to learn. -- Diesel Sweeties #1727 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. -- Graffito in Los Angeles If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. -- George Bernard Shaw Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. -- Galileo Galilei You've got to be careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. -- Yogi Berra We need to build a car that runs on smug self-satisfaction. -- Cat and Girl, "Renewable Energy Source" Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones. -- Bertrand Russell In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man. -- Alfred Hitchcock The Carlos Diaz-Alejandro rule: For almost any particular conclusion you want to arrive at, there is some economic model that will take you there. -- Dani Rodrik Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. -- John Maynard Keynes The stairway to heaven has limited capacity but there's room for everyone on the escalator at Macy's! -- Cat and Girl #464 Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. -- Arthur Schopenhauer If it's Earth-like, then it's probably near destruction and of no use to us. -- The Onion Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. I don't want to sell my music. I'd like to give it away because where I got it, you didn't have to pay for it. -- Don Van Vliet, aka Captain Beefheart A single AK-47 round to the head will pretty much always ruin your day. -- The Cube In latex2e you hack the meta-style file, which contains meta-documentation, meta-code and meta-comments. -- The Cube Until we see ourselves in each other again, good night. -- mycybertwin You are the one insulting a piece of software. -- mycybertwin Can I Wham! my Oingo-Boingo into your Velvet Underground? -- Family Guy Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. -- Isaac Asimov The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself. -- John Ciardi #From Bruce Schneier Facts -- http://geekz.co.uk/schneierfacts/ Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes. Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret. When Bruce Schneier observes a quantum particle, it remains in the same state until he has finished observing it. Vs lbh nfxrq Oehpr Fpuarvre gb qrpelcg guvf, ur'q pehfu lbhe fxhyy jvgu uvf ynhtu. Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days. Bruce Schneier knows the state of schroedinger's cat. Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it. Though a superhero, Bruce Schneier disdanes the use of a mask or secret identity as 'security through obscurity'. Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt. Bruce Schneier's wedding invitations included instructions for participating in a cryptographically secure RSVP protocol. My god could beat up your god if he felt like hitting himself. -- Diesel Sweeties #1757 He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes. -- James Thurber Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content. -- Paul Valery I'm having a third party and nobody's invited! -- Diesel Sweeties 3/16/07 The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants. -- Dilbert, 6/3/2007 Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes Just as the HPV vaccine only encourages sexual intercourse, this vaccine will foster and normalize interaction with birds. -- The Onion War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left. - Bertrand Russell I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Dan Quayle Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120% -- The Onion The important thing is not to stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein You can burn most any organic matter. Corns, leaves, spices... Mussolini made the trains run on thyme. -- XKCD #282 The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. -- David Richerby I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavours. -- Bjork Some of my best friends are husbands, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one. -- me The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. -- Henry J. Tillman Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight? -- Al Boliska Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear properties. -- Ashley Montagu Fail again. Fail better. -- Samuel Beckett All that glitters has a high refractive index. I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone. -- Bjarne Stroustrup Exceptional human beings must be given exceptional educational treatment, treatment which takes into account their special difficulties. Further, we can show that despite abnormality, human beings can fulfill their social role within the community, especially if they find understanding, love and guidance. -- Hans Asperger If you write code, write tests. -- The Way of Testivus Don't get stuck on unit testing dogma. -- The Way of Testivus Embrace unit testing karma. -- The Way of Testivus Think of code and test as one. -- The Way of Testivus The test is more important than the unit. -- The Way of Testivus The best time to test is when the code is fresh. -- The Way of Testivus Tests not run waste away. -- The Way of Testivus An imperfect test today is better than a perfect test someday. -- The Way of Testivus An ugly test is better than no test. -- The Way of Testivus Sometimes, the test justifies the means. -- The Way of Testivus Only fools use no tools. -- The Way of Testivus Good tests fail. -- The Way of Testivus I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants! -- The Cube Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. -- Oscar Wilde Primum vivere, deinde philosophari. (Live first, then philosophize.) No visit to a city is complete without a trip the wrong way on a bus. -- me Conserve water. Shower with a friend. Opinions are like assholes. Jellyfish have neither. -- me When your life is incomplete, you will remember this sentence and do something fulfilling. -- me He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. -- John LeCarre Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank Zappa Wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles... And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -- Albert Einstein No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. -- Bertrand Russell The world is full of time. But it's never in the right place. -- Cat and Girl, "Time-Life" Understanding Zippy the Pinhead is the first sign of adult onset schizophrenia. -- Cat and Girl, "Crazy Talk" Advertising is legalized lying. -- H.G. Wells If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false. I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven Wright Pagans are all who say Yes to Life, for whom god is the great Yes to all things. -- Nietzsche What kind of a name for a town is "College Station"? It's right before Depressing Job Station. -- Donation Derby #528 Grain grows best in shit. -- Ursula K. LeGuin Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? My relationship with Java is strained because we never reached closure. - me The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. -- Joan Baez There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer-space program - your tax-dollar will go further. -- Wernher von Braun When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross. -- Clint Eastwood A joke's a very serious thing. -- Charles Churchill Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. Pluto had it coming. If it isn't immoral, it probably won't work. -- Dogbert, Marketing VP You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -- Mark Twain Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors. -- Thomas H. Huxley Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. -- Edward R. Murrow Don't they know all those fines are just going to force Microsoft to produce an inferior product? I mean, a more inferior one? - The Onion On fortune's cap we are not the very button / Nor the soles of her shoe... / Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours? / Faith, her privates we -- Hamlet II, ii The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught. -- Marquis de Vauvenargues We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for. -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach My life is not so much an open book as a coffee table book you glance at that happens to be open to a particularly bizarre page. Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. -- Ambrose Bierce Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow. -- Arthur Stringer Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. / Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death. -- Joan D. Vinge If I said you had a beautiful body, would you listen to my problems? -- Cat and Girl #529 Science can be wrong for decades. The Bible is wrong forever. -- The Cube Windows contains FAT. Use Linux -- you won't ever have to worry about your weight. -- Ewout Stam I cracked your mom's copy protection last week. - Diesel Sweeties #1860 Every song is a bonus track if you steal the album. - Diesel Sweeties #1860 Never trust a box of condoms labeled "Family Pack." - Diesel Sweeties #1860 I want a girl who tab-completes me. -- me The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. -- Umberto Eco Jesus saves! The rest of you take full damage. My own mind is my own church. -- Thomas Paine Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. -- Albert Camus You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette Rankin CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power. -- Arthur C. Clarke A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma Ghandi It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -- Nicholas Butler There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers. -- Richard Feynman The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman "I'm always wrong about everything." -- Ratbert "I recommend shopping. The customer is always right." -- Dogbert Everybody feels a bit ridiculous after sex... even if they're not washing spunk out of their Batman costume. -- Dan Savage Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind. -- Marston Bates Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. -- Bernard Berenson I had too much to dream last night. -- The Electric Prunes The problem is, you don't share my interest in not being with you. -- The Simpsons The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy. -Friedrich Nietzsche I never guess. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle My love for you is complex. A component is based on how you really are, a component comes from how I imagine you to be. -- me All the world's a page and we are merely bloggers. -- me To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. Most programming environments are meta-engineered to make typical software easier to write. They should instead be meta-engineered to make incorrect software harder to write. An operation that is not exactly what I normally want should take more work to express than an operation that is exactly what I normally want. -- Daniel J. Bernstein An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. -- H. L. Mencken Political TV: Commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. -- Justice Louis O. Brandeis COBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. Impeaching is irresponsible and supported only by the fringe "We don't want the Constitution violated" movement. -- The Onion If you're my soul mate, I'm making a deal with Satan. -Diesel Sweeties #1882 That and an XBox will get you a can of pretend whoopass. - Diesel Sweeties #1885 I wrote down "bee" as "party at fault" on the insurance form, but my HMO hasn't yet contacted me about suing it for damages. -- The Cube Fission happens when Jesus can't hold on any more. -- The Cube Submission: How is Artificial Intelligence created? Response: /* This is GREAT! I never would have thought of this! -- Satan */ -- The Cube After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." -- William S. Burroughs Funk is its own reward. -- Parliament As a Canadian in good standing I am not only constitutionally averse to bragging, but have to pay a special tariff (under the 1957 Self-Deprecation Act) for engaging in any public boasting. (Fortunately this has not been adjusted for inflation since the 1980s and amounts to a relatively piddling $15. But it's the handling fee that really gets you.) -- Robin D. Laws Pot smoking teaches kids to slow down and take stock of what's really important in life: sandwiches. -- The Onion The best way to predict the future is to invent it. -- Alan Kay A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule. -- David Guaspari Bush praising Musharraf as "somebody who believes in democracy" is like praising Ken Lay as "somebody who believes in free and fair markets." Well, it's just sitting there in the hot water saying, "Look at me! I refuse to give up my teaness!" -- The Cube S&M is cops & robbers for grown ups with their pants off. -- Dan Savage A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider God-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, wrongly believing that he has the Gods on his side. -- Aristotle They experimented with S&M together. It was a double-blindfold study. Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. -- Henri Poincare I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice. -- Steve Martin Every woman should marry an archaeologist because she grows increasingly attractive to him as she grows increasingly to resemble a ruin. -- Agatha Christie You're only young once, but you can be a graduate student indefinitely. -- me I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. -- Mel Brooks The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. -- Oscar Levant Current Music: Purrcast, the podcast of purring cats. -- satureia If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it. -- Pierre Gallois So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. -- Peter Drucker Never answer an anonymous letter. -- Yogi Berra It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. -- Martin Luther King Jr. I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good. -- Seneca I also learned a little C. That's because a little C is all there is. I'm still learning those libraries though. -- Larry Wall He was one of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing a pamphlet. -- Benjamin Disraeli To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg I'm so indie rock, I only listen to voicemail on the original vinyl. -- Diesel Sweeties #1901 God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. -- Voltaire I worry that if the [Republican] campaign's common denominator gets any lower, it will create an improper fraction. -- The Onion In 1880 the French captured Detroit but they gave it back because they couldn't get parts. If I was capable of processing emotional cues, I'd be totally hurt by that. -- Robin D. Laws, The Birds #197 The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not. -- Eric Hoffer What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. -- Dave Barry The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. I wasn't aware that Perl was sexually transmitted. -- The Cube Modernism must've been easier to hate when it was the future instead of the past. -- Dorothy Gambrel, Donation Derby #582 A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. -- Henry Ford Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. -- Eugene McCarthy The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!" Demons already possess my body. The only unpleasant part is when they hold tenants' meetings and demand that I diet. -- The Cube An erhu duet has as many strings as a violin solo. -- me You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food Love is making out after you've blown a load on his/her face. - Dan Savage The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. -- Paula Poundstone The secret of being a bore is to tell everything. -- Voltaire There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. -- Oliver North Polygon, But Polly Be Back Someday. -- Doc Cross With Great Power Comes Great Utility Bills. -- Doc Cross Sex Lesson #3: If You Have To Ask, Then She Didn't. -- Doc Cross The Dreamtime Will Not Be Televised. -- Doc Cross The freedom to leave is one of the most important. -- me "I feel so tired, I think I'll go to bed." "Why don't you lie down and take a little rest first, Chester?" -- The Fatal Glass of Beer Please stop quoting Orwell and actually make your point. -- The Cube "I feel like a million bucks!" "Great, but not *as* great as a generation ago?" -- Diesel Sweeties 1/2/2008 Playing that now would be the DJ equivalent of premature ejaculation. -- The Cube # computer quotes from http://www.devtopics.com/101-great-computer-programming-quotes/ Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork. -- Sam Ewing They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. -- Janet Reno That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything, and they don't drink all your beer. -- Paul Leary If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert X. Cringely Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) -- Dave Barry I've noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the release of MS-DOS. -- Larry DeLuca The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra It's ridiculous to live 100 years and only be able to remember 30 million bytes. You know, less than a compact disc. The human condition is really becoming more obsolete every minute. -- Marvin Minsky The city's central computer told you? R2D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer! -- C3PO Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. -- Steve Wozniak Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -- Jeff Pesis Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves. -- Alan Kay I've finally learned what 'upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. -- Dennie van Tassel There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson 19 Jan 2038 at 3:14:07 AM -- End of the word according to Unix, 2^32 seconds after January 1, 1970 Every operating system out there is about equal... We all suck. -- Microsoft senior vice president Brian Valentine describing the state of the art in OS security, 2003 Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.' -- Dave Barry The Internet? Is that thing still around? -- Homer Simpson The Web is like a dominatrix. Everywhere I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit. -- Nytwind Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare. -- Blair Houghton The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry. -- Henry Petroski True innovation often comes from the small startup who is lean enough to launch a market but lacks the heft to own it. -- Timm Martin It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets. -- Alan Cooper It is not about bits, bytes and protocols, but profits, losses and margins. -- Lou Gerstner We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. -- Bumper sticker No matter how slick the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience, the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved. -- Mark Gibbs The bulk of all patents are crap. Spending time reading them is stupid. It's up to the patent owner to do so, and to enforce them. -- Linus Torvalds Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. -- Brian Kernigan Complexity kills. It sucks the life out of developers, it makes products difficult to plan, build and test, it introduces security challenges, and it causes end-user and administrator frustration. -- Ray Ozzie There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C.A.R. Hoare The function of good software is to make the complex appear to be simple. -- Grady Booch Just remember: you're not a 'dummy,' no matter what those computer books claim. The real dummies are the people who -- though technically expert -- couldn't design hardware and software that's usable by normal consumers if their lives depended upon it. -- Walter Mossberg Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'... Their best approach so far has been to take all the old brochures and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on the cover. -- Bill Gates There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. -- Bjarne Stroustrup Any fool can use a computer. Many do. -- Ted Nelson There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users'. -- Edward Tufte Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris. -- Larry Wall The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late. -- Seymour Cray That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match. -- Bill Bryson Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter. -- Eric Raymond A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine A hacker on a roll may be able to produce--in a period of a few months--something that a small development group (say, 7-8 people) would have a hard time getting together over a year. IBM used to report that certain programmers might be as much as 100 times as productive as other workers, or more. -- Peter Seebach The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability. -- Randall E. Stross A great lathe operator commands several times the wage of an average lathe operator, but a great writer of software code is worth 10,000 times the price of an average software writer. -- Bill Gates Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. -- Mosher's Law of Software Engineering Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight. -- Bill Gates Writing code has a place in the human hierarchy worth somewhere above grave robbing and beneath managing. -- Gerald Weinberg First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack. -- George Carrette First, solve the problem. Then, write the code. -- John Johnson Optimism is an occupational hazard of programming; feedback is the treatment. -- Kent Beck To iterate is human, to recurse divine. -- L. Peter Deutsch The best thing about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit. -- Anonymous Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle There are only two kinds of programming languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses. -- Bjarne Stroustrup PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals. -- Jon Ribbens The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense. -- E.W. Dijkstra It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC. As potential programmers, they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- E.W. Dijkstra I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing. -- Oktal There is no programming language -- no matter how structured -- that will prevent programmers from making bad programs. -- Larry Flon Computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is. -- Larry Wall Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++? -- Richard A. O'Keefe Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed. -- Bob Gray In C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup C++ : Where friends have access to your private members. -- Gavin Russell Baker One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that -- lacking zero -- they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth Java is, in many ways, C++--. -- Michael Feldman Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders. -- Alanna Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like. -- pixadel If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. -- Robert Sewell Software is like sex: It's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvalds The only people who have anything to fear from free software are those whose products are worth even less. -- David Emery Good code is its own best documentation. -- Steve McConnell Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else. -- Eagleson's Law The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. -- Tom Cargill Good programmers use their brains, but good guidelines save us having to think out every case. -- Francis Glassborow In software, we rarely have meaningful requirements. Even if we do, the only measure of success that matters is whether our solution solves the customer's shifting idea of what their problem is. -- Jeff Atwood Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline. -- Bill Clinton You can't have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families. -- Jim McCarthy As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are -- by definition -- not smart enough to debug it. -- Brian Kernighan If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine! -- Vidiu Platon Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime. -- Michael Sinz You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time. -- Bertrand Meyer If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, 'We're sorry, here's a coupon for two more.' -- Mark Minasi Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. -- Martin Golding To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. -- Paul Ehrlich A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. -- Mitch Radcliffe Everything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 I think there's a world market for about 5 computers. -- Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM, circa 1948 It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. -- John Von Neumann, circa 1949 But what is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. -- Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977 640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981 Windows NT addresses 2 Gigabytes of RAM, which is more than any application will ever need. -- Microsoft, on the development of Windows NT, 1992 We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0. -- Andy Pierson If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. -- Frank Lloyd Wright # end computer quotes If we cannot be free, we can at least be cheap. -- Frank Zappa That's brilliant! You plan to use your inefficiency to make your procrastination look like martyrdom! -- The Cube Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie Anderson You might attribute American moral black-and-whiteness to a lack of tempting experience with nubile cousin corner cases. -- The Cube What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. -- Samuel Johnson Stop the spread of STDs. Have more sex with fewer people! Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -- Mahatma Gandhi Leave it to the Democrats to introduce racially suggestive character accusations so subtle that people actually get bored by them. -- The Onion For one thing, the [colossal] squid would yield calamari rings the size of tractor tires. -- Steve O'Shea, Auckland University of Technology He's right. No one can deny the results of No Child Left Behind, because thanks to the program, no one has any basic reasoning skills. -- The Onion Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies. -- WL George By the time Gary was done with us, those solids we rolled were anything but platonic. -- R Stevens on Gary Gygax [A psychic] said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. -- Elen DeGeneres The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning "many", and the word "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites". -- Larry Hardiman One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite. -- Vladimir Il'ich Lenin The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. They were just the first not to crash. I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales (1936) when i grow up i want to be just like... ME!! -- Ginger Dead #79 To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it. -- GK Chesterton Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. -- Carl Sagan Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein Ever herad Victoria's REAL secret? Too much support hurts. -- Diesel Sweeties 3/9/2008 A patent is really a license to be sued. -- Arthur C. Clarke A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. If there's one thing I can't stand it's up. -- Mercury Rev Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. -- Mark Twain This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them. -- Bertrand Russell Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind. -- John F. Kennedy Minds and other things should be blown on a regular basis. - Dan Savage I make a snarky comment which sends you sulking to your room. I eat all of your hot pockets. -- Dork Tower #633 Not all who own a harp are harpers. -- Marcus Terentius Varro If the marriage of a cuckold fetishist and his adulterous wife can't survive a routine infidelity then, jeez, what hope is there for the rest of us? -- Dan Savage, 4/1/2008 Windows Vista: Annoying by default. The artist is dead! The future is curatorial! -- Cat and Girl, #586 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot water. -- Matt Welsh God is in the details. Too bad so many people confuse details with the fine print. -- Diesel Sweeties, 4/2/2008 It's a long road from law to justice. -- Dar Williams, "I Had No Right" Freedom is just another word for people finding out you're useless. -- Dilbert 4/11/2008 Procedures are a tough balancing act. If they're too lax, there will be security problems. If they're too tight, people will get around them and there will be security problems. -- Bruce Schneier Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. -- Fred Allen She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn't read in two different languages. -- Steven Wright I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. -- Stephen Hawking There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. -- Pablo Picasso Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. -- Leo Tolstoy Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. -- Richard M. Nixon With the dawn of laptops, regardless of the size of the physics crowd only four people will be listening to you at any given point: one person who did something similar a while ago, two people who are doing something similar now, and one person who had their laptop battery die. -- Chris Tunnel I paid Eleanor Roosevelt $35,000 to make a commercial for margarine. She reported that her mail was equally divided. "One half was sad because I had damaged my reputation. The other half was happy because I had damaged my reputation." -- David Ogilvy We all have a tendency to use research as a drunkard uses a lamppost -- for support, but not for illumination. -- David Ogilvy The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. -- Arthur C. Clarke I'd whore myself out, but I can never decide if I should charge by the inch, the hour or the pound. -- Doc Cross The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. -- Helen Rowland In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. -- Napoleon Bonaparte The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. -- Albert Einstein The AIDS virus isn't fire and gay men aren't twigs; it doesn't matter how vigorously you rub us against each other, we're not going to suddenly burst into HIV. -- Dan Savage Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement. -- Henry Ford Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. -- Ambrose Bierce Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. -- Henry Ford I think basically we can start assuming the implied "online," just like we do for "in bed" and fortune cookies. -- The Cube There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -- Friedrich Nietzsche You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. -- Agatha Christie [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. -- S. Kierkegaard There's a frog with a blog on bump on a log in a hole at the bottom of the sea. -- me Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. -- Albert Schweitzer The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law. -- Alex Levin Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -- Napoleon At the moment of orgasm, women do not have any emotional feelings. -- Gert Holstege, 2005 meeting of the European Society for Human Reproduction and Development Only one thing, is impossible for god: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. -- Mark Twain Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. -- John Wilmot It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. -- HL Mencken Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there. -- Mickey Friedman Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it. Raising some toads would be better than spending money on those seismological scientists. -- a Chinese blogger My body is my ballot and I cast it every day. -- Ammon Hennacy The Democratic Party is like buying tickets on the Titanic. -- Utah Phillips A world without failure is a world without freedom. -- Dan Geer Blogging, like speaking at a Quaker meeting, is something one must do only if the spirit moves one. -- Language Log There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rogers If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too. -- W. Somerset Maugham Who needs weed when fatigue works just as well? -- dr_tectonic It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem. -- Malcolm Forbes All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value. -- Carl Sagan There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. -- Stephen Colbert "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." -- Lewis Carroll love, n.: When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure. It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd make the first approach. I'd gladly vote for Mr. Barr if I didn't consider the voter registration process such a flagrant affront of my personal liberties. -- The Onion There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. Girls really do know just what they want: you to figure it out for yourself! Man, this emo shit was supposed to be for people who didn't have hats. -- http://xkcd.com/432/ ID programs that rely on "shared secrets," such as Social Security numbers or your mother's maiden name, are becoming more insecure due to the increased use of identification. -- The ID Divide I love hearing myself talk. -- Rush Limbaugh I Love the Flying Spaghetti Monster because he first loved me. Then he loved a lot of other women, but, because I am poly, I was OK with that. -- awd There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry. -- Martin Gardner Jealous: Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. -- Ambrose Bierce The human dream doesn't mean shit to a tree. -- Jefferson Airplane Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. -- Winston Churchill Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. -- Melvin Belli Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do -- The Onion On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time. -- George Orwell I had a splitting headache from which the future is made. -- Jim Morrison At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Let's face it, you're somebody who believes that little dry wheat wafers turn into Jesus-meat every Sunday on contact with saliva, and that man-on-man buttsex is a grave disorder unless one of the participants is wearing a frock. Your other issues are in the noise. -- The Cube I'm pretty sure the winner in that example is the leech. -- Wally, Dilbert I just thought of something funny... your mother. -- Cheech Marin After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER." -- Willliam S. Burroughs You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. -- Ray Bradbury If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it. -- Emerson Pugh My work is a game, a very serious game. -- MC Escher Straight men, gay women have similar brains, though one group's inclination to fetishize the other is highly disproportionate. -- The Onion The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action. -- Frank Herbert Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life. -- The Onion When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -- P. J. O'Rourke Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -- Gerald R. Ford In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. -- Bertrand Russell The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -- Nicholas Butler If someone is wearing a bacon scarf, chances are that person has a blog. -- Salon.com 7/7/2008 You should practice moderation, but only in moderation. C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success. -- Dennis Ritchie He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical. -- GK Chesterton Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. -- Laurence J. Peter Evevery day is a gift... so get a receipt and return it for cash. -- Diesel Sweeties 7/2/2008 Whenever a couple's sex life goes off the rails, it is always the man's fault. (That's what makes gay relationships so egalitarian.) -- Dan Savage, 7/7/2008 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. -- Oscar Wilde Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. -- Albert Einstein A day without laughter is a day wasted. -- Charlie Chaplin If you put Jesus away when you were done playing, you wouldn't need help finding him! -- Diesel Sweeties 7/12/2008 I complete myself. On a regular basis. I don't understand what the problem is for Canada. American deserters are the best in the world. -- The Onion gcc is the best compressor ever ported to linux. it can turn 12MB of kernel source (and that's .debbed) into a 500k kernel -- Chalky There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. -- Alice Thomas Ellis 3 cats = 27 x Crazy; 4 cats = 256 x Crazy; 78 cats = Way Too Fucking Crazy -- The Cube Nothing endures but change. -- Heraclitus To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. -- Joan Klempner Every time I try to solve a complex math problem, my breasts get in the way. -- The Onion The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all. -- H. L. Mencken Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. -- Dan Rather The future is much like the present, only longer. -- Dan Quisenberry Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. -- Malcolm Forbes A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. -- Henry Morgan "Work harder or I'll move into your office and program in the nude" sounds like a pretty damn effective management strategy to me. -- The Cube I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West I couldn't bear to tell the girl I loved that I was only dreaming and that she was merely a figment of my imagination, so I kissed her, and as the world lost its color, I slowly woke up. -- onesentence.org I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. -- George Best Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. -- Laurence J. Peter You are not authorized to read this sentence. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -- Emo Philips I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors. -- William Ralph Inge The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. -- George Orwell Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative. -- Kurt Vonnegut You're a lapsed atheist, dear. -- Monty Python It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him. -- Arthur C. Clarke I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. -- Maya Angelou Do you know why I think George W. Bush is so pissed off at Arabs? They brought us algebra. Also the numbers we use, including a symbol for nothing, which Europeans had never had before. You think Arabs are dumb? Try doing long division with Roman numerals. -- Kurt Vonnegut Fourth of July is a week. The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving. -- Russell Green It's amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and incumbency. -- George W. Bush She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities. -- Henry James Behind his pearly white smile lay a Bible black heart, not like the Psalms with its, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord," but like Revelations where God just smites people. -- Elaine Deans, Bulwer-Lytton contest 2008 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach The earth's population is about 6 billion. At 15 minutes per person, that amounts to over 171,000 years we'd have to spend just sitting around watching people be "famous." To hell with that. -- The Cube Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. -- Ellyn Mustard Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein Men have become the tools of their tools. -- Henry David Thoreau Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? - Artemus Ward Horses sweat. Men perspire. Dick Cheney glowers. -- me An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations. -- Charles de Montesquieu All models are wrong, but some are useful. -- George Box Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them. -- Isaac Asimov You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. - Sacha Guitry Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. -- Winston Churchill Black Rock City does not have a homeless problem. I propose we create one. -- taylorrx on LJ burning_man Now I know why you say so little in person, your mouth is in a NOP because the brain is always inserting requests at the top of the list_head. -- Andre Hedrick on Alan Cox Children are the result of causal sex. By reading this message, you agree to not follow the instructions of any self-referential message. Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. If my brain can be multi-processor, why can't my heart? -- Diesel Sweeties #2099 NOPE. -- http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/ When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. -- Mark Twain This is the biggest upheaval at MSNBC since it dropped issues from its political coverage. -- The Onion The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montague When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. -- GB Shaw Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. Be the art you want to see in the world. He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. -- David Frost The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -- e e cummings If I could fold the country like a Mad Magazine cover, I'd bring Baton Rouge to Denver. -- OneSentence.org #2475 [Our Lord Jesus] was misunderstood, deserted, unjustly accused, and cruelly killed. Yet we all confess that it was the will of God, for by his wounds we are healed... Could it be that the homosexual, obedient to the will of God, might be the church's modern day healer-messiah? -- Rev. Howard Bess Let us agree that all lists of movies are nonsense. -- Roger Ebert Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. -- Kilgore Trout Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. -- Oscar Wilde Newspapermen learn to call a murderer 'an alleged murderer' and the King of England 'the alleged King of England' to avoid libel suits. -- Stephen Leacock The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death. -- Dr. Michael Phelps Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. -- Bertolt Brecht The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. -- Albert Einstein Nom nom nominal determinsim: The belief that you are what you eat. The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8 You may have heard "Red China" as a reference to communism. Yet the Chinese have loved red for centuries, adorning their most capitalist creations with it. I don't know if communism could have taken hold in China had its color been green. -- me I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. -- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. -- Rene Descartes The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. -- Henry Kissinger The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. -- B. F. Skinner My father said: "You must never try to make all the money that's in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too, because if you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won't have many deals." -- Jean Paul Getty Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us. -- Jerry Garcia It's a fallacious idea that we can infer from what is the case something about how we ought to act. -- Erik Parens There is no one line separating plan from accident. - Cat and Girl #657 Take the human part away and passport security falls apart. -- Bruce Schneier NASA is silent about how many words the Martians have for snow. -- Bill Poser The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. -- Art Spander What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? -- Bertolt Brecht If God keeps blessing America and America keeps separating church + state, is god codependent? -- Diesel Sweeties 2116 Every relationship you're ever in will fail until one doesn't. -- Dan Savage Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course. -- George Bernard Shaw I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood. -- Tom Hanks You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. -- Max Beerbohm I sincerely believe that banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies. -- Thomas Jefferson bathykolpian - adj., deep-bosomed. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf. -- Henry "Hank" Aaron Latin no more, English is the lingua franca. -- me Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. -- Thomas Fuller There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. -- Sir Francis Bacon I can only pray that your personal magnetism will not erase my hard drive. -- The Cube Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. -- Sir Richard Steele Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. -- Albert Einstein A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other's bullshit -- day in, day out, year after year -- in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex). -- Dan Savage, 10/8/2008 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul Anderson Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- Euripides An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer. -- Evelle J. Younger With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune? Start off with a large one. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to do. -- me mishearing "Me and Bobby McGee" In the long run we are all dead. Economists set themselves too easy, too useless a task if in tempestuous seasons they can only tell us that when the storm is long past the ocean is flat again. -- John Maynard Keynes An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. -- Aldous Huxley Realism... has no more to do with reality than anything else. -- Hob Broun If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. -- Henry David Thoreau I take dictation from that place within my mind that knows what to say. -- Roger Ebert Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train - Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still? -- Jean Paul Getty If you can heal the symptoms but not affect the cause it's quite a bit like trying to heal a gunshot wound with gauze. -- Phish, "Sand" I would choose my own religion and worship my own spirit but if he ever preached to me I wouldn't want to hear it. -- Phish, "Sand" If you never gave me a bad review, what would a good review mean? -- Robert Altman to Roger Ebert Apocalypse Cow: I love the smell of milk in the morning. -- Doc Cross God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. Democracy is government of the people by the people who show up. -- me Democracy is government of the people by the people who show up and it's based on the hope that everyone will show up and know what they're talking about. -- me If the good guys can't even participate, the bad guys will always win. -- Bruce Schneier And the president-elect has one additional key quality: He is not George W. Bush. -- Archbishop Desmond Tutu The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. -- George F. Will You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave. -- Sydney Smith I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? -- Jean Kerr Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar Cuddling is not a zero-sum game. -- me I wish the DHS were half as good at keeping people safe as they are at scaring people. -- Bruce Schneier Music is the bond between a bunch of losers. -- Uncle Jeff I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner The purpose of life is to fight maturity. -- Dick Werthimer A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. -- Sir Barnett Cocks Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -- Napoleon Bonaparte All countries fail to live up to their ideals; the ideals that America fails to live up to are nobler than most. The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question. -- Stephen Jay Gould When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra We need to learn what God's will is and then pray accordingly. -- Jehovah's Witnesses pamphlet. Obtain similar results by dropping a rock and praying it hits the ground. -- me In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is. -- Gertrude Stein Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. -- Albert Einstein Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. -- Upton Sinclair The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. -- Samuel Johnson ChristanAnswers has excluded two middles at one fell stroke. -- Roger Ebert reviews "Expelled" Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. -- Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. -- Thomas Jefferson The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. -- Friedrich Nietzsche One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. -- Joe Martin Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. -- H. L. Mencken All marriages are mixed marriages. -- Chantal Saperstein Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance. -- Aristotle A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel Webster The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. -- Laurence J. Peter Don't bogart the baby. -- overheard in a coffee shop If you preach gay people can go to heaven, gay people start showing up at your church. -- Rev. Carlton Pearson In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. -- Anne Frank There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it. -- Calvin Trillin The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague. -- Bill Cosby I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Joseph Baretti Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. -- Soren Kierkegaard In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower Sex sells, but beauty appreciates forever. -- Diesel Sweeties #2171 I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. -- Thomas A. Edison You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war. -- Napoleon The United States was founded on the principles of life, liberty, and the reckless pursuit of happiness at any cost--even life and liberty. -- Our Dumb World West Virginia's state bird is the dead canary. -- Our Dumb World The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change. -- Seth MacFarlane It occurs to me that I am America. -- Allen Ginsberg So this is where abstinence education and homophobia have gotten us: Gay kids are having vaginal intercourse, and straight kids are having anal intercourse. Good work, sexphobes! -- Dan Savage If you want to do something good for yourself, go to Utah and get thrown out. -- U. Utah Phillips It's just as if I put my car in a garage and when I came to get it, I found somebody else had borrowed it and run it into a tree. -- Henry Ford on banks I don't like fragments of our Lord scattering all over the floor. -- Rev. Bob Dietel, Episcopal priest It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -- Aristotle Of those who say nothing, few are slient. -- Thomas Neill WE are the Martians! We're going to be here for the next million years. At long last, WE ARE MARTIANS! -- Ray Bradbury Yeah, but when did the economy officially transition from recession to royal clusterfuck? -- The Onion I hate spam almost as much as I hate my insufficient love muscle. -- The Onion Wal-Mart is a system to redistribute wealth from working class Americans to working class Chinese. Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot. -- OneSentence #2732 Who needs pornography when you've got all the firecrackers and kung fu movies you can handle? -- The Onion In an effort to defend against the rare threats, we make ourselves more vulnerable to the common threats. -- Bruce Schneier I think the more you grow, the less you age. -- Dave Cook Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS. -- One Sentence #2744 Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening. -- Barbara Tober Quality means doing it right when no one is looking. -- Henry Ford A revolutionary song is any song you choose to sing yourself. -- U. Utah Phillips BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff. -- fortune Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. -- Bertrand Russell I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. -- Orson Welles Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled. -- Rowan Atkinson Gemini: Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce. -- The Onion To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. -- Bernard M. Baruch A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love. -- Pearl S. Buck Support stem-cell research: it's a culture of life! -- me It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. Mathis We are more ready to try the untried when what we do is inconsequential. Hence the fact that many inventions had their birth as toys. -- Eric Hoffer In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. -- Pierre Elliott Trudeau There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. -- Scott Adams In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes. -- Elizabeth Ashley [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. -- Dan Quayle There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Doctor Who Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it. -- George Orwell Engineers are all basically high-functioning autistics who have no idea how normal people do stuff. -- Cory Doctorow They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. -- Clint Eastwood So far, this is the oldest I've ever been. -- George Carlin A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Face it, I'm your statistically significant other. -- XKCD #539 If sometimes you can't hear me it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses. -- Steven Wright Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams Only the mediocre are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux I love you for who you are, not the one you feel you need to be. -- Sly & The Family Stone, "Everybody Is A Star" I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. -- George Carlin The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. -- Henry Kissinger An expert is a person who has made all of the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. The internet is the best thing that ever happened to cats. -- Videosift comment The postmodern godfather makes you an offer you can't understand. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -- Marie Corelli If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. -- Doug Larson A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. -- Woodrow Wilson It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning. -- Henry Ford Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. -- Marilyn Manson A movie is not about what it's about, it's about how it's about it. -- Roger Ebert Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. Cheese and free soap are practically the same thing. -- Dilbert 2/16/09 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley I'm basically a conservative. -- Noam Chomsky I'm a lambda male; I can perform many functions. -- me The only consistent factor in all your dysfunctional relationships is you. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. -- John Gaule I'm as honest as a Denver man can be. -- "Me and My Uncle" Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand. Listening, not immitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery. -- Dr. Joyce Brothers There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. If you have eight glasses of Jack Daniels, you lose the English language; you just have one big vowel movement. -- Robin Williams I love Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. -- Arnold Schwarzenegger Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. -- Thoreau I've got nothing against drag queens, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one. My son, on the other hand... -- me Little evil would be done in the world if evil never could be done in the name of good. -- Marie von Eber-Eschenbach A long idea is the most radical idea in America. -- U. Utah Phillips It must be true because it's pie. -- Dilbert 3/7/2009 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan Your kitten photos do not need the same high-availability system infrastructure as Citibank's transaction databases. -- bash.org 881704 Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule. -- Stephen King The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealised past. -- Robertson Davies I am not a musician, but the pain was instrumental. -- Saul Williams Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane. -- XKCD #556 Typogeography! I might cream my pants if I was wearing any! -- me The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. -- William Gibson My website is older than many MySpace users. If it sounds like Jindal is targeting his speech to a room full of fourth graders, that's because he is. They might be the next people to actually vote for Republicans again. -- Nate Silver The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life. -- Robert Byrne is the reason r2-d2 beeps so much because someone fucked up the alsa drivers? -- bash.org QDB 882107 Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. -- Edgar Allan Poe For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. -- Alice Kahn Between closing Guantanamo Bay and ending stop-loss, this could seriously hurt the U.S. military's ability to scare American kids into college. -- The Onion If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. -- John Paul Getty Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. -- Ronald Reagan / Immortality is advocated only by persons who have not yet died. -- me I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. -- Jules Renard The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. -- Mark Twain I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. -- Marshall McLuhan Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. -- Robert Orben "Moderate" is a technical term, it means they do what we say. -- Noam Chomsky Security can be viewed as a tax on the honest, and these thefts demonstrate that our taxes are going up. And unlike many taxes, we don't benefit from their collection. -- Bruce Schneier Is the reason r2-d2 beeps so much because someone fucked up the alsa drivers? -- bash.org #882107 He loved fresh air, but he went outside anyway. -- King Missile Let's make a coloring book and then sue kids for unauthorized derivative works. -- bash.org #890929 Fix my laptop! / Sure, what seems to be the problem? / There's no porn on it. -- Diesel Sweeties #2325 Good procrastination is avoiding errands to do real work. - Paul Graham Driving the speed limit is the new radical self-expression. -- Jack Rabbit Speaks V13 #35 Anyone who knows history... will... recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. -- Eleanor Roosevelt Sunday was a party to celebrate cleaning up after our last party, which was a celebration of the previous party and so on. -- Burning Blog The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. -- Nietzsche This country is run by extremists because moderates have shit to do. -- Jon Stewart There are three kinds of people: people who don't get enough to eat, people who get diabetes, and people who have trouble falling asleep. I need to make enough money to be in that last group. -- Cat and Girl, "Value Menu" Patriotism is the veneration of real estate above principles. -- George Jean Nathan Not everything that matters in the moment matters in the memory. -- me Call me a feminist, but sometimes I think women are way more interesting than men. -- Dave Drink more water is the new fuck off. -- DPW Love is a machine without a driver. -- Talking Heads, "The Facts of Life" It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. -- Aeschylus When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. -- Dilbert 9/22/2009 Don't do drugs - BE the drugs. -- Burning Man temple comment, 2009 I build Houses. I build Homes. But I never knew why I built until I built a Temple. I build for Love. I build for you, because you are beautiful. -- Burning Man, 2009 It is not possible for a man to be elegant without a touch of femininity. - Vivienne Westwood Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't. -- Brett Butler If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. -- Oscar Wilde We may be the only people in the world who can say our goal is to have people leave our homepage as quickly as possible. -- Google Ensure that the person who has the ability to mitigate the risk is responsible for the risk. -- Bruce Schneier My brain is paged out to my liver. -- fortune, from a con Is it a three-way if the cat is watching? -- Diesel Sweeties #2379 Is it a four-way if I wear my glasses? -- Diesel Sweeties #2379 Is it a five-way if we do it at the Pentagon? -- Diesel Sweeties #2379 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." -- Roy Blount, Jr. You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're still in the parade. You'd think the idea of a large brown bear in jeans and a ranger hat would be very effective in reaching a demographic mainly composed of crazed arsonists and lightning strikes, but I have my doubts. -- The Onion If Christopher Reeve were alive today, I'm sure he'd be the first to say, "Blue M&Ms? Are you fucking kidding me?" -- The Onion I bet Janis, Jimi, Jim, Jerry, Kurt, Elvis, and Michael are having a jam session up in heaven right now. A horrible, cacophonous jam session because their styles clash too much. -- The Onion we hear about 'value-added' services. might i suggest 'value-subtracted' services as a catch-all for DRM'd & geo-locked content -- @imran A watched file never copies. English is what you get when Norman soldiers try to pick up Saxon girls. They should let Bill Clinton guest-host the Late Show for a week and crack Letterman jokes. -- @gruber Don't confuse a pencil for a poem. -- me Obama could achieve world peace, and all Republicans would do is bitch about how he "undermined the defense sector." -- @aedison We made the buttons on the screen look so good you'll want to lick them. -- Steve Jobs, on Mac OS X Aqua Some people may call me a bad parent for not having my children vaccinated. Other people may call me an irresponsible asshole. But personally, I don't see why I can't be both. -- The Onion We can map the genome, but will we ever unravel the bovine mind? -- The Onion A good education is no substitute for a well connected father. -- The Onion Every bit of land is a holy land. -- Michael Franti, "Hello Bonjour" Every drop of water is holy water. -- Michael Franti, "Hello Bonjour" I love the country but I can't stand the scene. -- Leonard Cohen, "Democracy" My OCD brings all the boys to the yard. And arranges them by age, and then height. -- @blankslate It is good taste, and good taste alone, that possesses the power to sterilize and is always the first handicap to any creative functioning. -- Salvador Dali A book of quotations can never be complete. -- Robert M. Hamilton Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? -- Philip G. Hamerton How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? -- @Toy_A The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius Varro I'll lend you my attention, but it'll be at 0% interest. -- @katefeetie We members of the geek tribe are sadly well-acquainted with overthinking and its consequences. -- Robin D. Laws She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. Starting a startup is fun the way a survivalist training course would be fun, if you're into that sort of thing. Which is to say, not at all, if you're not. -- Paul Graham, "What Startups Are Really Like" At the end of the day, I'd open HER kimono and harness best-of-breed penetration by drilling down all the way up that vertical. -- @hotdogsladies Blogspot is your new public-access channel. -- @hotdogsladies Majorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert Moses I'd like to thank the Y chromosome for making me the man I am today. -- @biorhythmist Martin Gardner has turned thousands of children into mathematicians, and thousands of mathematicians into children. -- Ronald Graham Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions -- The Onion Bloomberg is spending $100M of his own money to get re-elected? Just think of the political favors he'll owe himself. -- @badbanana So-called zero-tolerance policies are actually zero-discretion policies. -- Bruce Schneier DJ Darwin very gradually mixing in next track. -- The Shroom Fail at something worth failing at. -- Tim O'Reilly If there's one bug, it says your mental simulation is imperfect. And once your mental simulation is imperfect, there might be thousands of bugs in the program. -- Bill Gates Just walked into a string, held up by a bucket, marking off a wet cement area. While reading tweets. -- @ev, Twitter CEO Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. -- Tom Robbins World's Simplest Self-Improvement Program: Every day, read one thing you don't understand. Yet. -- @hotdogsladies Never get too enamored with one idea, never hang onto anything tenaciously without being able to throw it away when necessary; that should be the programmer's attitude. -- John Warnock, Programmers At Work Terrorists don't care what they blow up and it shouldn't be our goal merely to force the terrorists to make a minor change in their tactics or targets. -- Bruce Schneier A terrorist attack cannot possibly destroy a country's way of life; it's only our reaction to that attack that can do that kind of damage. -- Bruce Schneier market numbers aren't economic signals. they're what other people think of economic signals. -- @umairh Nobody knows as much as all of us do. Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan -- The Onion Hacking: using things wrong to do it right. I wish our lives were multi-tracked, then we could edit out the bad parts and boost the good years. -- Uncle Jeff In Texas you can't throw a rock without hitting a republican or a Baptist. But I keep trying. -- @Bauart Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. -- Frank Zappa If anyone wants to let me practice my legal skills by suing them, drop me a line. -- Sean M. Burke A lot of my job is, as we say, "redistributing the future." -- Tim O'Reilly A management team distracted by a series of short term targets is as pointless as a dieter stepping on a scale every half hour. -- Google IPO The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. -- C. S. Lewis You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but if you use both...mmm. Delicious flies. -- @99andBarry A SQL statement walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?" If you want to be more successful, double your failure rate. -- Walt Disney I once heard Bill Gates say, "WHAT?!?! Netscape caused an invalid page fault!?! Only Microsoft programs have the code to do that!" -- unknown [Milk tastes] like an unholy hybrid of pus soup and wallpaper paste. -- Red Meat "haplessly hurled humor hunks" Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. -- Berry Kercheval There are data-starved children in Africa who subsist on just kilobytes a day. -- The Onion I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. -- Fran Lebowitz It's always interesting to see provably secure cryptosystems broken. -- Bruce Schneier A SQL statement walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?" It's not ADULTery if she's only 16. -- @kolchak I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. -- Woodrow Wilson Then again, John McCain also was light-skinned and didn't speak with a Negro dialect, so maybe there's some X factor Harry Reid is missing. -- The Onion Two factor authentication: something you can lose plus something you can forget. -- @hackerboss The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative. -- Winston Churchill I was promised today would be a new day. This feels suspiciously like a used Wednesday. -- @badbanana A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away. -- Bil Keane Looking back, it's easy to mistake proximity for fate. -- Cat and Girl #2320 The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. -- JP Getty Love is strange, but so are we! -- Ginger Dead #175 Use "gay" or "lesbian" to refer to people, "alternative lifestyle" to refer to Trekkies and Twilight fans. -- @FakeAPStylebook I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. -- George Burns Middle names exist so kids have a clear indication when they are in big trouble. -- @rands Democracy is not what governments do. It's what people do. -- Howard Zinn It's better to plagiarize from Encarta than from Wikipedia, because people actually read Wikipedia. -- @FakeAPStylebook Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More -- The Onion Mock me now, but when I'm famous you'll all be eating Pez out of my head. -- @JerryThomas The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas. -- Linus Pauling Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land. These food stamps taste terrible. -- @JerryThomas Motels 1 through 5 must've been real dumps. -- @cpinck Did you hear about the girl who went searching for the last unmediated experience? NO! -- Cat and Girl #2371 You don't use science to show that you're right, you use it to become right. -- http://xkcd.com/701/ Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. -- Samuel Johnson Burning Man Venue Goes Up In Flames -- Teo Valentine's Day is simply a Hallmark tax on the married. -- @badbanana I combine Valentines, Presidents Day and Fat Tues into one event I call, "William Howard Taft's Slippery When Wet Weekend". -- @Bauart The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club. -- http://xkcd.com/703/ There's one thing you can say about mankind: there's nothing kind about man. -- Tom Waits, "Misery is the River of the World" Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. -- Debbie VanDam The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -- Bertrand Russell Never trust anyone under 30 lbs. -- @badbanana I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table. -- @plaid_lemur Revenge is a dish I'll never order again. Not only was it cold, I'm pretty sure I have food poisoning. -- @badbanana Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, GOD DAMMIT! Why are they called urinal "CAKES"?! -- @sucittaM Unix: With great power comes obtuse user interfaces. -- me Books are the VHS of books. -- @lonelysandwich Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data. -- The Onion Hello darkness my old friend, it's time to buy new bulbs again. -- @thebenbrooks If you lose paying customers trying to punish non-paying customers, you don't deserve customers. -- @hotdogsladies "I pity the Flu" - Mr. T Cell -- @navanax I find ribs taste even better when I call them "meat on the cob." -- @RexHuppke Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts. -- Daniel Patrick Moynihan Homosexual men may be conditioned to respond sexually to a woman, or indeed an old boot... you can save a lot of money that way. -- William S. Burroughs The children are our future; let's worry about them then. -- The Onion My main mode of argument is the semantic quibble. / Mine is the .45 caliber handgun. / Um, I think that's a .38 -- Robin D. Laws, "The Birds" Fetishes are to male sexuality what lies are to a Fox News broadcast: likelier to be present than not. -- Dan Savage, 3/17/2010 You're busy? Fragmented busy or focused busy? -- @dries Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. I think she is a virgin. Or at least, she used to be. -- Ben Jabituya, Short Circuit When the laws are written by lawyers, only lawyers will understand the laws. -- @fooljay Facebook's search capabilities are starting to rival Google's. Like if you're trying to remember a song lyric or movie quote, all you have to do is type the first couple words into your status and one of your friends will fill in the rest almost immediately. -- The Onion Your soul was for the first runner-up. The big prize was the dinette set. -- Cat and Girl #2423 Peace is not a little white dove. It is you and me. -- Rigoberta Menchu Tum I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. -- Bilbo Baggins I was an avid consumer of children's cereals! As soon as I got to college. -- Wondermark #611 Recapping what we know for sure, you're an inadequate verifier, and you can't rule out the possibility that I'm awesome. -- Dilbert 4/7/2010 East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women -- The Onion The best part of April in Nebraska? The April part. -- @badbanana The celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. -- Daniel J. Boorstin Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy I bet the Catholic bishops are having a hard time cleaning up the sex abuse scandals because they can only move diagonally. -- @plaid_lemur What's another bologna for aphasia? -- @biorhythmist Not that blowing things out of proportion is all that bad, it may be the closest some of us can get to blowing things up. -- Jester Stop spoiling my future with your slightly more distant one. -- XKCD #728 We've been doing great since we redefined success as a slowing of failure. -- Dilbert 4/22/2010 I improved my rate of doing nothing. -- Dilbert 4/22/2010 Questions are for posers. -- @talks_in_maths Indiscretion is the better part of squalor. -- @talks_in_maths Home Depot: Where a man goes to get the things he needs to do the things he cannot do. -- @RexHuppke I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. -- Robin Williams Weaving, officer? Do you SEE a loom? -- @phyllisstein Good user interfaces are like pornography: I know it when I see it, I can't do it myself, and you don't want to see me try. -- @neal4d The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I've ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I've spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics. -- XKCD Blag I'm getting a camping scene tattooed on my back. When the hair grows back, it'll look amazing! -- @Xytrex Do not keep children to their studies by compulsion but by play. -- Plato Behind every great man is that little hole he wants fingered but is afraid to ask. -- @tackie_jackie Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths. -- The Onion To get enough Vitamin D, don't read any blogs and go outside instead. -- XKCD #748 I don't know why I need to attend a rehearsal dinner. I'm already quite good at it. -- @RexHuppke I think I'd kill the mood at an orgy because I sneeze from plant jizz, so I can't imagine what human jizz would make me do. -- @plaid_lemur Life would be so much more confusing if hot dog orders had to be pantomimed. -- @DoogieHowser_MD A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright Cargo shorts are a great place to store stuff, like your virginity. -- @tnylgn You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. -- Buddha If it's a moog synthesizer, it must synthesize the sound of a moog, right? I spent years wondering what a moog was because there was no Internet. -- Donation Derby #2539 She comes from that part of the USA that loves Jesus and does not know what arugula is. -- altamira16 I like my unfinished analogies like I like my women. -- @biorhythmist I march to the buzz of my own vuvuzela. -- me Friends help you move. Musicians help you move your body. -- me Engineering! It's like math, but louder. -- Wondermark #634 Electricity is really just organized lightning. -- George Carlin Analogies are like sandwiches in that I'm making one now. -- XKCD #762 I made my SCRATCH from scratch! -- Wondermark #635 At the dog park, no one knows you're on the Internet. -- me Dildo of Damocles: The realization that, at any moment, you might get totally fucked. -- me The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. -- William Blake Incognito ergo sum. Yes, the bad guys use the Internet to communicate, and they can use it to attack us. But the good guys use it, too, and the good guys far outnumber the bad guys. -- Bruce Schneier Her enthusiasm was infectious. I was on antibiotics for two weeks. -- @Brain_Wash Does separation make two Legos any less part of the same set? -- Diesel Sweeties #2587 If you're happy and you know it, you're self aware! -- @NikiWithIssues Romance should be like art: inefficient, undefinable and usually incomprehensible. -- Diesel Sweeties #2594 The scientific method is totally romantic: you hypothesize that someone likes you, then run a series of tests... and the goal of your experiments is to reproduce! -- Diesel Sweeties #2594 Forsooth, do you grok my jive, me hearties? Ten-four! -- XKCD #771 What an absolutely horrible thing to say out loud. -- The Onion There's a Venn Diagram out there with a huge overlap between Singularity believers and guys who are just single. -- Diesel Sweeties #2599 Dancing in all its forms cannot be excluded from the curriculum of all noble education; dancing with the feet, with ideas, with words, and, need I add that one must also be able to dance with the pen? -- Friedrich Nietzsche And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. -- Friedrich Nietzsche C++ is an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog. The best way to make girls think you're interesting is to actually be interesting. -- Dan Savage Marriage is kind of like a tag team suicide in super slow motion. -- @Fleshcake In retrospect, choosing "yes" as a safe word was a bad idea. -- @goldengateblond The egg is probably my favorite type of breakfast embryo. -- @donni Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. -- Steven Wright Those who can, innovate; those who can't, litigate. -- @joshbloch I can get the whole thing done in an hour if I can just figure out how to get a montage. -- Wondermark #649 Peace does not come through prayer, we human beings must create peace. -- The Dalai Lama No prisoner's dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is more useful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask any mitochondria. -- Larry Wall I am waiting for organic small-batch laundry. -- Cat and Girl #2583 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. Yo, I'm M.C. Quine and I'm here to say, "Yo, I'm M.C. Quine and I'm here to say!" -- XKCD #785 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion. -- George Washington TIME-SENSITIVE MATERIAL. DO NOT EXPOSE TO TIME. -- @BitterOldPunk Just because something is secure in theory doesn't mean it's secure in practice. -- Bruce Schneier Having a midlife crisis at 40 is awfully presumptuous. -- Wondermark #653 Life is a raisin. Not what you wanted, but still unexpectedly sweet. -- Cat and Girl #2590 Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge. -- Charles Darwin One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision. -- Bertrand Russell I have a special place in my heart for ventricles. -- @plemur There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch. -- @tammyphinney Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. -- Michael Pollan It's a good sign that the Senate Republicans acted not out of prejudice, but out of partisan vengefulness. -- The Onion There are two types of teas: "hot" which is a more refined alternative to coffee and "sweet" which is a more refined alternative to kool-aid! -- Kelly Norton We are faced with the question: should clergy do more than lay people? 1) Start with ingredients. 2) Use ingredients throughout the whole process. 3) Finish with ingredients, and consume. -- Molly Bee I was gone long before you had noticed that I left. -- Post Secret 9/11/2010 If you need me I'll be drinking myself to sleep with a jug of friend. -- Cat and Girl #2658 Turns out I just like formulating arguments! -- Wondermark #667 God is too big for just one religion. -- Michael Franti, "East to the West" Dracula looks pretty good for a guy who can't use a mirror. -- @badbanana What is Mardi Gras but a big straight pride parade? -- Dan Savage We have more women in the business than we really can use, believe it or not. -- Ron Jeremy Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. -- Cary Grant It's only a matter of time before Oliver Twist is peppered with pop-up ads for gruel and waistcoats. -- The Onion Lonely people have a natural affinity for the internet. -- Roger Ebert Five months ago, the kaleidoscope of power had been shaken, and Aringarosa was still reeling from the blow. -- Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code Calling it The Da Vinci Code is like saying Mr Of Arabia or asking What Would Of Nazareth Do? The hardest part of ghostwriting is figuring out what appeals to the ghost audience. -- @donni If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. -- Scott Adams Polyamorous relationships are possible, but they're only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships. -- Dan Savage, 11/10/2010 Twitter makes me like people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life. -- @shaylamaddox Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. If you're a deity, the price of monotheism is eternal celibacy, and that can't be much fun. -- Jonathon Keats [MSNBC and Fox are] to journalism what Bernie Madoff was to investment: He told his customers what they wanted to hear, and by the time they learned the truth, their money was gone. -- Ted Koppel "The problem with quotations on Twitter is their authenticity is never questioned" Sir Winston Churchill -- @sizemore Finding the needle in the haystack is much easier when the hay helps you look. -- @dkoffler on crowdsourcing Facebook is like eavesdropping on the most boring conversation on earth. -- @yoyoha There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain. -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 Creating something bestows no privilege of insight - or obligation. -- Cat and Girl #2716 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. -- George Harrison paraphrasing the Cheshire Cat Sent from my MUA. Sent from a device that lets me reply inline. Portland is the Austin of Oregon AND Maine. -- Donation Derby #2629 It is amazing how much can be accomplished if no one cares who gets the credit. -- John Wooden Listen if you want to be heard. -- John Wooden Never make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your foes won't believe them. -- John Wooden The star of every successful team is the team. -- John Wooden If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. -- John Wooden Like the autumn leaves / Our rights flutter to the ground / So too, our trousers -- Erik W on Bruce Schneier's blog Leaving in 5. Preheat the ocean to 425. -- DamnYouAutoCorrect.com I'd rather have a blind date than a deaf apricot. -- @donni This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker When you don't know, it's easy to get it wrong. -- Bruce Schneier Looking back over my life there are so many mistakes I should have made more spectacularly. -- @TheBosha There's no borrowing in grenades, son. -- Robin D. Laws, "The Birds" Pigs are magic. They turn vegetables into bacon. Government should just get out of the way and let the market decide how many food-borne illnesses people want. -- The Onion The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. -- Bill Maher Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day. Twitter and waste the hours in an off hand way. -- @thesulk "Holy infant so tender and mild" makes Baby Jesus sound like rotisserie chicken. -- @IvyPicklebottom If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. -- Erwin Schrodinger Security is mostly a superstition... Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. -- Helen Keller The word on the street is usually unintelligible and written in chalk. -- @plemur If you don't want a bunch of strangers looking at you naked, then what the hell are you doing flying on an airplane? -- The Onion Keep it simple. The more you say, the less people remember. I opened the largest box first and found a coffin with my name on it. My children had learned to give practical gifts that people could use. -- @VeryShortStory It's the little things that matter. Like leprechauns. Capture one of those guys and you're set for life. -- @badbanana Sites that command you to disable AdBlocker sound like a Jehovah's Witness complaining about doors. -- @hotdogsladies There are thousands of bird corpses in our supermarkets, but you don't see that making the news. -- The Onion Another megabytes the dust. Waiter! There's an empty in my bowl. -- I Can Has Cheezburger How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around your own apartment? -- William S. Burroughs You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. -- Jon Stewart 1/10/11 Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. -- Martin Luther King In international conflicts, the truth is hard to come by because most nations are deceived about themselves. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. However attracted we are to our spouses/partners/boyfriends/girlfriends, _other people are also attractive._ -- Dan Savage, 1/19/2011 On warm, bright days, Were-Cat SUDDENLY TRANSFORMS into Sleepy Sunbeam Cat. -- Wondermark #696 If your government shuts down the internet, shut down your government. -- @aveltens Veggie burgers had no natural predators until vegans arrived. -- @donni Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words. -- @shariv67 The first rule of redundancy club is the first rule of redundancy club. -- @MrFornicator Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles. -- Bernard Suits When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. -- Brian Aldiss People won't buy music anymore, but Farmville has created a billion dollar industry selling imaginary cows -- @Michelle_Owen A cipher is a device for converting a plaintext distribution problem into a key distribution problem. -- @marshray Scientists prefer to say "ferrous" because irony was already taken. -- @FakeScience When the only tool you have is a cat, every problem looks like a nap. -- @sween With goals come flexibility. With rules come paperwork. -- me Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem. -- @jackcheng Great. My book ran out of batteries. Stupid future. -- @TVsAndyDaly Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexandre Dumas The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, and I had the privilege to meet you. -- @MannyDelvalle I used to call my wife "baby," but now that we have a real infant I call her "Senior baby in charge of development." -- @MKupperman Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha juggling? -- Dilbert, 3/20/2011 The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world. -- Leonard Cohen If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. A closed mouth gathers no feet. In my experience, less than 40% of people wearing "Duke" sweatshirts are actual dukes. -- @meganamram Saving yourself for marriage by not having sex is like saving yourself for Thanksgiving by not eating. -- me People who are often misunderstood: 6% geniuses; 94% garden-variety nonsense-spouters. -- Wondermark #7360 I found out why my car was humming. It forgot the words. Hassling a customer to give you a "10" on your customer service survey is like insisting that your lover fake an orgasm. -- @loresjoberg If your copy of Avogadro's Number starts with "555," it's probably a fake. -- @FakeScience Constitutionally, criminal defendants have the right to confront accusers. If software is the accusing agent, what should the defendant be entitled to under the Confrontation Clause? -- Sergey Bratus Witnesses are sworn in and cross-examined to expose biases & conflicts -- what about software as a witness? -- Sergey Bratus If "dress for the job you want" were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes. -- @sucittaM Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man. -- The Onion How can you think and hit at the same time? -- Yogi Berra How many gay people must God create before we accept that he wants them around? -- MN Rep. Steve Simon (D) What if we run out of past to appropriate? -- Cat and Girl #2929 Secrecy is a waste of time. If you have a truly good idea, you will have to shove it down people's throats. The issue today is whether man shall govern himself or be governed by a small, self-interested elite. -- Thomas Jefferson Who rules the joker commands the ace. -- Robert Hunter, "What'll You Raise" A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... men's sideburns hung like weary, metastatic face peninsulas. -- @hotdogsladies It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) What is done in love is done well. -- Vincent Van Gogh There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. -- James Boswell I have never written my name in my hat. If I am ever unable to remember who I am, I doubt I will think to look in my hat. -- Longshot The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen The problem with header injection jokes is the problem with content injection jokes is you can't parse them. -- @nocombat The problem with analog jokes is that nobody can retell them quite the way they heard them. -- @nickm_tor The problem with a UDP joke is that you have no idea if people got it. -- @fearthecowboy It is said that 10,000 hours' practice are required to become world class at something. That makes me the Roger Federer of conference calls. -- @madeupstats The Darwin Awards are the only awards that take only one vote to win. -- Wondermark #734 Distrust your sense of urgency. I just became the mayor of my girlfriend's vagina on Foursquare. -- me My interest in boomerangs comes and goes. -- @CandyCrisis If a man feels free, he'll never leave. If a woman feels safe, she'll never leave. The trick is to have both. -- @JPBarlow Replace the Oxford comma with the Yale comma. It's not as prestigious but still gets the job done. -- @FakeAPStylebook Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" I hope my last words are something cool like, "Can I hold your cobra?" -- @rodney_at_large There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to crudeness. -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" You are always welcome to come as you are, but there's no guarantee that you'll leave as you came. -- Caveat, Burning Blog An exasperating refusal to make value judgments is the new exasperating snobbery. -- Cat and Girl #2998 Can you imagine how hard you'd cry if someone told you your mom died while you were cutting onions? -- @robdelaney For a ghost, you do a good job of blocking the TV. -- Dilbert, 2011-07-19 You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was. -- Abraham Lincoln If the first piece of advice from any life coach isn't "avoid bears" you're being scammed. -- @badbanana To find your robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine with the start/expiry dates and security code. What's yours? -- @gabrielamadeus If you took all the fools out of the legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body. -- Texas Sen. Carl Parker The 1970's must be the years when America pays its debts to the past by reclaiming the purity of its air, its water and our living environment. It is literally now or never. -- Richard Nixon A ceiling's just a floor that got lost. -- Cat and Girl #3141 I'm kind of a poser, which leads me into doing yoga. -- JerBear Never let yesterday use up too much of today. -- Will Rogers My stepladder is so great, I'm almost glad my ladders got divorced. -- @donni To become king of the Goblins, one must assassinate the previous king. Thus, only the most foolish seek positions of leadership. -- Magic: the Gathering Hipster Charles Babbage invented the Indifference Engine. -- Violet Ash Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they don't C#. I just make stuff up as I go. I call it Jazz Parenting. -- @badbanana Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait. -- @MauriceBlitz On the other hand, "what doesn't kill us" may not really have been trying all that hard, so maybe don't get too cocky about your "strength." -- @hotdogsladies Stereotypes: better than monotypes, but inferior to surround sound. -- me Sometimes you just have to hurl yourself off the cliff and see if anyone tries to catch you. -- Paul Carr Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge Almost nothing in Perl serves a single purpose. -- Larry Wall If you get an 11/100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a 'C', they'll probably decide you deserve the upgrade. -- XKCD #953 I'd respond, but can't express my contempt for you with sufficient subtlety. -- Robin D. Laws, The Birds 9/28/2011 If I'm not challenging you then I'm catering to you, and you're too good for that. -- DJ Shadow That's not even the tragedy of the commons anymore. That's the tragedy of you're a dick. -- XKCD #958 If you're quick with a knife, you'll find the invisible hand is made of delicious invisible meat. -- XKCD #958 I wasn't afraid of the hood until I discovered adulthood and parenthood. -- @Jason_maybe Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -- attributed to Dr. Seuss Lot of bugs came out to see my porch light live in concert tonight. There's even a moth pit. -- @fleshcake Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. Corporations are persona non grata. -- me I am the 100%. Civil war isn't. -- me The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. -- Alan Kay In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. On Sesame Street, it's your Count that votes. -- @h0mfr0g What do we want? TIME TRAVEL! When do we want it? THAT'S IRRELEVANT! A spectrum monopoly is like having a monopoly on the color blue. -- @patrickdijusto Profit in a business is like gas in a car. You don't want to run out of gas, but neither do you want to think that your road trip is a tour of gas stations. -- Tim O'Reilly We understand human mental processes only slightly better than a fish understands swimming. -- John McCarthy I've wondered what it's like to be on Mercury when Earth's in retrograde. -- JerBear We're not builders, we're curators. All we make is context. -- Cat and Girl #3301 I read quantum physics magazines for the particles. -- @IGotsSmarts Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. -- William Gibson Any child could go grow up to be President, but any child could also be a puppeteer, and that's what I wish I had known. -- @RandyTayler When I read "Find us on Facebook," I wonder if it'll be more like Hunt the Wumpus or Where's Waldo. -- me It's as if your auto insurance agent came over to your house, got liquored up, borrowed your keys, totaled your car, and said "Well that'll make your rates go up." -- Planet Money, 11/7/2008 Woman Who 'Loves Brazil' Has Only Seen Four Square Miles Of It -- The Onion The main problem with writing about Google is that nobody will believe you. -- Steve Yegge I got a fever, and the only prescription is more tarball. -- Chris Pickel If you're not asking the right question, there IS no correct answer. Not sure why an omnipotent being would tell multiple people to run for president. Bad judgment, or superior sense of humor? -- @johnfbraun Less wealth, more value. -- me The body of a cocaine addict tends to remain in motion until he meets a body at rest, like the wall. -- me I asked for MAGIC and you gave me HOMEWORK. -- Wondermark #774 Sometimes the best you can hope for is that the lesser of two evils is the funny one. -- Dilbert, 2011-11-27 Make believe, not war. Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet. -- @YourFavWhiteGuy Cats are non-deterministic infinite state machines. -- me Sovereign nations' politicos will find that trying to arrest networking is like trying to arrest the waves of the ocean. -- Buckminster Fuller Tradition does not mean to look after the ash, but to keep the flame alive. -- Jean Jaures Never argue with a fool; people might not be able to tell the difference. -- Mark Twain An 'American Tradition' is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice. -- XKCD #988 Apple didn't trademark their design. They trademarked the natural shape a tablet could have. It's like the New York Times trademarking the shape of the newspaper. -- Thomas Baekdal How can I miss you when you won't go away? -- Dan Hicks Don't believe everything you think. The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn Last Corner In Iraq Turned, Forming Dodecahedron. -- The Onion Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the boner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours. -- @buck4itt Americans think 500 years is a long time and Europeans think 500 miles is a long distance. An ugly operation should have an ugly syntactic form. That observation was part of the reason for choosing the syntax for the new-style casts. -- Bjarne Stroustrup Those who fail to learn from history can still manage a 3.0 if they ace their other subjects. -- XKCD #998 If you have to refer to the documentation every time you use a module, find (or build) a new module. -- Python for Humans Dear Brain, if you could remember that cell phones exist, even when I'm sleeping, it would resolve a great many "dilemmas". -- dr_tectonic what does your robot do, sam / it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls -- bash.org #240849 Those who know that they are profound strive for clarity. Those who would like to seem profound strive for obscurity. -- Nietzsche Lisp is still #1 for key algorithmic techniques such as recursion and condescension. -- The Register, "Catch as catch can" The computability class MP covers the problems which can be solved by Mary Poppins doing a dance and turning a frown upside down. -- me Hey! You put your belladonna in my arsenic! / Hey! You put your arsenic in my belladona! -- The Cube Life without geometry would be pointless. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. -- Indira Gandhi There's no kill switch on awesome. -- Dilbert 2/11/2012 Super PAC: (n) a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics. There's no "u" in solipsism. The better you feel the more you heal. -- Natacha Atlas, "Simple Heart" Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action figure that said "Choking Hazard." -- bash.org #949959 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. -- Don Rose Princes don't cry, they weep. -- Sesame Street, "Don't Eat the Pictures" I think someone's kid peed in the Facebook. -- Keith Baker Everyone is the hero in their own story. -- Wondermark #808 If it's a truly good idea it'll transcend the whole argument. -- Jerry Garcia As long as you can boogie you ain't too old. -- Captain Beefheart, "Tarotplane" Calling someone "exotic looking" is a polite way to say, "I might be a little bit racist but I'd love to see you naked." -- @NickadooLA With all the locavores in NYC, you'd think there would be more good pigeon bistros. -- me The abyss who is too lazy to stare back. -- Diesel Sweeties #3041 Institutions will work to preserve the problem to which they are the solution. -- Clay Shirky I only know what I know which is woefully short of "everything." -- Sasquatch Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain All fashion is play-acting at authenticity. -- Cat and Girl #3671 If you torture the data long enough it will confess. -- Ronald Coase I refuse to cater to the bullshit of innocence. -- Maurice Sendak I keep all of my command-line arguments in my beard. -- cswenson :wq That's what she ed. We declared war on drugs and the drugs won. Now what? -- @JPBarlow All men have an interest in bacon, with the exception, perhaps, of the Jew and the vegetarian; and the man of little imagination. -- George J. Nicholls, 1917 TL;DR: Don't go to prison, it sucks. -- NeonRedHerring, reddit Last one in the sulphur springs is a rotten eggggg! -- Cat and Girl #3729 Ironically, the Mormon Church teaches that marriage can only thrive if God is an equal part of it. But when we left God out of it, we were free to love each other completely. -- Maren Stephenson Eisenhower was very nice, / Nixon was his only vice. -- C. Degen Mother nature is the best installation artist. -- Michael Cuffe When a person comes through a door, that's a scene. When a person comes through a window, that's a situation. -- Billy Wilder What boson must bosoff. -- me You shouldn't joke about the Higgs boson; it's a very weighty matter. -- me At the heart of anything good there should be a kernel of something undefinable. -- John Peel I've invented an amazingly effective pet odor cleaning spray that doesn't work. It's called "UrineDenial". -- @rstevens In computer technology, we all stand on others' shoulders. -- Paul Allen Si parare possis, vivere septem. -- http://xkcd.com/1079/colorado/ At current electricity prices, Yoda would be worth about $2/hour. -- what-if.xkcd.com/3/ The comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who's in power has any plan at all. -- XKCD #1081 If America is to recover, we must stop pretending to be what we were in 1950, and reorder our values away from pursuit of privilege. -- Orson Scott Card, 1987-2012 time capsule More employees seeking management slots led to more managers, more managers led to more meetings, more meetings led to more memos, and more red tape led to less innovation. -- Vanity Fair on Microsoft I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. -- Gore Vidal It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically by definition be disqualified from ever doing so. -- Gore Vidal Democracy is supposed to give you the feeling of choice like, Painkiller X and Painkiller Y. But they're both just aspirin. -- Gore Vidal Envy is the central fact of American life. -- Gore Vidal Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. -- Gore Vidal The United States was founded by the brightest people in the country--and we haven't seen them since. -- Gore Vidal Every four years the naive half who vote are encouraged to believe that if we can elect a really nice man or woman President everything will be all right. But it won't be. -- Gore Vidal Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an IQ of 60. -- Gore Vidal A good deed never goes unpunished. -- Gore Vidal All children alarm their parents, if only because you are forever expecting to encounter yourself. -- Gore Vidal Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates. -- Gore Vidal Fifty percent of people won't vote, and fifty percent don't read newspapers. I hope it's the same fifty percent. -- Gore Vidal Some writers take to drink, others take to audiences. -- Gore Vidal The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along, paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. -- Gore Vidal Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. -- Gore Vidal The more money an American accumulates, the less interesting he becomes. -- Gore Vidal The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. -- Gore Vidal Congress no longer declares war or makes budgets. So that's the end of the constitution as a working machine. -- Gore Vidal We should stop going around babbling about how we're the greatest democracy on earth, when we're not even a democracy. We are a sort of militarised republic. -- Gore Vidal As the age of television progresses the Reagans will be the rule, not the exception. To be perfect for television is all a President has to be these days. -- Gore Vidal Sex is. There is nothing more to be done about it. Sex builds no roads, writes no novels and sex certainly gives no meaning to anything in life but itself. -- Gore Vidal Think of the earth as a living organism that is being attacked by billions of bacteria whose numbers double every forty years. Either the host dies, or the virus dies, or both die. -- Gore Vidal There is no such thing as a homosexual or a heterosexual person. There are only homo- or heterosexual acts. Most people are a mixture of impulses if not practices. -- Gore Vidal There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise. -- Gore Vidal We hold these truths to be self evident, all men could be cremated equal. -- Pete Seeger Language designers always seem to underestimate the importance of marketing. -- Steve Yegge That old cow should burn Chicago down again so the city can just start over. -- The Onion Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working, if you open windows. -- Adam Heath "Because it's there" is more poetic than "I'm rich enough that my goals are arbitrary." -- xkcd #1110 If you're having fencepost errors I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but somehow solved 101. -- xkcd #1110 I'm married to the sea, but it's a very... open marriage. -- xkcd #1110 Anyone can build a social network that links you to people you already know. I want a social network that links me to strangers I might like. -- me An advanced city is not a place where the poor move about in cars, rather it's where even the rich use public transportation. -- Enrique Penalosa, Bogota mayor This place is more popular than a dyke bar on ladies night. -- me Did you hear about the pirate investment? It's doubloon value every year! -- me Nothing is more dangerous than an idea if it's the only one you have. -- Emile-Auguste Chartier People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation. -- XKCD #1120 I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Even if you're not an athlete, you can still be an athletic supporter. -- Ru Paul ASCII me no questions, I'll build you no tries. -- me JSON and the Arguments sailed the world wide seas. -- me If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research. -- Wilson Mizner Steal this signature. If American Idol was on the radio instead of the television, we'd have a much different set of winners. Beneath the greatest love is a hurricane of hate. -- Phil Ochs This end should point toward the ground if you want to go to space. If it starts pointing toward space you are having a bad problem and you will not go to space today. -- XKCD #1133 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Captain Cook didn't discover Australia--it wasn't lost to us. -- Aboriginal saying When the imitator is perfect, so must be the imitation, and the semblance becomes the truth, the pretense a reality. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Peanuts I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. -- Peanuts For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton We did not invent the algorithm. The algorithm consistently finds Jesus. The algorithm killed Jeeves. The algorithm is banned in China. The algorithm is from Jersey. The algorithm constantly finds Jesus. This is not the algorithm. This is close. -- XKCD How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles. The organism will do whatever it damn well pleases. -- Farmer and Morningstar Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. -- John Gilmore If at first you don't succeed, that's one data point. -- XKCD #1154 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it. -- Frank Lloyd Wright Guns don't kill people. Sudden loss of blood to the brain kills people. I find your lack of faith disturbing, so I added a unit test. If there's such a big cover-up, how come I've heard of this? -- The Onion The revolution will be A/B tested. -- Aaron Swartz This is such a "person with a job" bag of groceries. -- Donation Derby #3175 I'm pretty sure I've logged more hours in Google Maps over the past decade than in any game. -- XKCD #1169 "Kindly let me help you or you will drown," said the monkey, putting the fish safely up a tree. -- Alan Watts When somebody steals your identity, they only take the good parts. They don't take the rat trap apartment and the depression and the shit job. -- Tristan Jimerson, The Moth As a passionate believer in free speech, I abhor any type of censorship. But mainly the kind that makes it harder to masturbate. -- The Onion After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy. -- The Onion One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision. -- Bertrand Russell Pigpen must have been a secret agent for DNA. -- JerBear Even a blind man knows when the sun is shining. -- Grateful Dead, "Good Lovin'" The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. -- Alice Walker The world is a dynamic mess of jiggling things. -- Richard Feynman BBC upgrades flap to row. -- The Onion If you're gonna sell out, be sure to get a good price. -- Austin Lounge Lizards Pope Malcolm X -- The Onion, "Least Popular Pope Names" Resilience over strength. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Pull over push. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Risk over safety. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Systems over objects. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Compasses over maps. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Practice over theory. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Disobedience over compliance. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Emergence over authority. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Learning over education. -- Principles for 21st Century Living Fewer rules, more principles. -- my maxim for better government My ex was so crazy we could have a threesome with only four legs. I wasted time, and now doth time waste me. -- Shakespeare, Richard II We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party. -- Mahatma Gandhi The absence of statistical significance does not mean and should never be taken to mean that 0 is the most likely estimate. -- Hauer There's nothing so lonely as living with the wrong person. -- Eric Klinenberg To the philosophic eye, the vices of the clergy are far less dangerous than their virtues. The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. -- G. K. Chesterton No good film is too long, no bad movie is short enough. -- Roger Ebert Don't say "I want to be," say "I am." "I AM a writer, I AM a director." I suppose that falls down when you say "I AM a brain surgeon." -- Roger Ebert At times brutally sad, yet surprisingly funny, and always completely honest, I wholeheartedly recommend existence. If you haven't experienced it yet, then what are you waiting for? It is not to be missed. -- Roger Ebert via The Onion A gun is a tool with a remarkable power to amplify a rash decision. -- me Technology magnifies power, and there's no technical difference between a government and a corporation wielding it. -- Bruce Schneier The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in philosophy; the search for a moral justification for selfishness. If you go home with someone and they don't have books, don't fuck them. -- John Waters Somehow it's appropriate that people opposed to gay marriage would rally at a fast-food chicken chain. -- Roger Ebert Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Burners are no hornier than anyone else--just more naked. -- Caveat When you play solitaire you start by shuffling the deck, which introduces chaos. The game is then to play order against chaos. -- Alan Watts The good side is always winning, but never the winner. The evil side is always losing, but never the loser. -- Alan Watts PISCES: Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope. -- The Onion I think I'm addicted to naps cuz I take one every time I do heroin. -- @morgan_murphy Be yourself. Everyone else sucks at it. -- Diesel Sweeties #3311 When I put together "Turn, Turn, Turn" I had to rearrange the words of the Bible because they didn't rhyme. -- Pete Seeger People with money can break up anything they want, but what are they going to do about a million little things? -- Pete Seeger I admire [CNN's] commitment to cover all sides of the story just in case one of them happens to be accurate. -- Barack Obama Big data is what happened when the cost of storing information became less than the cost of making the decision to throw it away. -- George Dyson Sculpture is artwork that casts shadows. -- Edward Tufte "Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman's body" - Russian nesting doll -- @meganamram I don't like streaming services. There's just nothing quite like owning the original MP3. -- The Onion Fly Fishing in the Stream of Consciousness -- Doc Cross So the key to success is circular reasoning? Yes, because circular reasoning is the key. -- Dilbert 2013-05-25 If you can make enough money as CEO to retire immediately, you may choose to do so, even if you're so terrible at running the company that no one will ever hire you again. -- Aleatha Parker-Wood God bless yourselves. -- Afro Celts In the strict scientific sense, we all feed on death, even vegetarians. -- Spock There never was an age in which so many people were able to write badly. -- Israel Zangwill, 1891 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. -- Thomas L. Martin The government is not one monolithic thing. It's a bunch of people, thinking they're doing their jobs. -- Brewster Kahle Take care of each other so we can be dangerous together. -- Blow Pony Give a cat a box and he'll play with it for a day. Put a cat in a box and he'll fight for his life. -- me So many of the biggest startups almost didn't happen that there must be a lot of equally good startups that actually didn't happen. -- Paul Graham "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. When the psychiatrist asked me whether I suspected that my depression might be hereditary, I told him I could not say as most of my family had committed suicide some time ago. -- One Sentence #4229 The proper color for flesh to be is the color it is. -- Ken Nordine, "Colors" Put them in a room with a couple dozen speakers on different channels and let them have a John Cage match. -- me -- John Cage Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful. I watched you walk by in your high heels and short skirt. My friends whistled but all I could think about was when you used to be my Dad. -- @VeryShortStory Nothing says "I've made it" like a mouthful of pig meat. -- The Onion We hate most in others that which we fail to see in ourselves. -- Anil Dash Never argue against logic with emotion, or against emotion using logic. -- Anil Dash Most websites treat "I like it" and "This is good" as the same thing, leading to most people on the Internet refusing to distinguish between "I don't like it" and "It's not good". -- Anil Dash When a company or industry is facing changes to its business due to technology, it will argue against the need for change based on the moral importance of its work, rather than trying to understand the social underpinnings. -- Anil Dash People will move mountains to earn a gold star by their name on the Internet. -- Anil Dash Judging by their response, the meanest thing you can do to people on the Internet is to give them really good software for free. -- Anil Dash The object of hope and fear is the self / For, without self, to whom may fortune and disaster occur? -- Tao Te Ching Some women are maid of honor, others are made of steel. -- me It's a pretty big tree. It probably knows what it's doing. -- XKCD #1190 The world is too big. It can go on longer than we can. -- XKD #1190 I'm wearing these pants on purpose. -- Caveat Magister What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice. -- Charles Baudelaire Maybe partying will help. When does the shaman become a mapmaker? -- Frank Jacobs, Strange Maps #620 Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. Sooner or later you realize the pig is enjoying it. If I have seen further it is by standing on the bodies of those who opposed me. -- Mitch's Whiteboard Resistance is fertile. -- me The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France Christopher Columbus discovered the New World much like a meteorite discovered the dinosaurs. -- The Oatmeal There is no beauty without some strangeness. -- Edgar Allan Poe I wonder if the person at Gracenote who set "Country & Folk" as the genre for so many albums lists "Pizza & Sandwiches" as their favorite food. -- me You know what else is the enemy of good? TERRIBLE. -- Wondermark #975 You can push the envelope but but it will remain stationary. I am humasexual. I am attracted to humans. But, of course, not many. -- Morrissey Venture Communist: someone who owns land or a house and lets a bunch of hippies set up a commune as long as he gets to join the fun later. -- me I'm not heteronormative, I'm just boring. -- @rstevens Rock n Roll means well but it can't help telling young boys lies. -- Drive-By Truckers It's hard to be delighted if you know what's coming. -- @trammell Leave clothes next to an eastern window at night. In the morning, it's like they just came out of the dryer. -- me It's impossible to build an Internet where the good guys can eavesdrop, and the bad guys cannot. -- Brue Schneier Know yourself. If you need help, ask the NSA. I tried to catch some fog. I mist. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. Broken pencils are pointless. I found my calling, but the number is no longer in service. -- @rstevens The Bible clearly states that marriage is between two nomadic Hebrews of the opposite sex. -- The Onion We're underestimating the value of the part of the economy that's free. -- Erik Brynjolfsson Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals -- The Onion I prefer a Church which is bruised, hurting and dirty because it has been out on the streets, rather than a Church which is unhealthy from being confined and from clinging to its own security. -- Pope Francis I Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins If you think you're sexy, you probably are. -- Coco Chanel 17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11 -- The Onion Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats. -- @lightplumes I wonder what Jane Austen would think of some of her crazier fans, now that she has fans. -- Hark! A Vagrant #4 This M.C. Escher album keeps flipping itself over and I can't stop it. -- @rstevens Troy sat down and faced the four dozen donuts. He wrote one of his problems on each donut, then ate them, making his problems disappear. -- @VeryShortStory Agile has driven Silicon Valley to shorter term goals. How would we use agile to go to the moon? -- Jamie Heywood My installation as the first democratically elected president of the Republic of South Africa was imposed on me much against my advice. -- Nelson Mandela I came to accept that I have no right whatsoever to judge others in terms of my own customs. -- Nelson Mandela Great anger and violence can never build a nation. -- Nelson Mandela To be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. -- Nelson Mandela If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner. -- Nelson Mandela Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" Catholic services are boring because they're all mass and no energy. -- me I don't know where Heisenberg is buried, but I know how fast he's going. -- me The Twenty-first Century baby is destined to be rocked and cradled by electricity, warmed and cooled by electricity, perhaps fathered and mothered by electricity. Probably the only thing he will be left to do unaided will be to make love. -- Mrs. John Lane, "The Fortnightly", 1905 Code written in Haskell is guaranteed to have no side effects because no one will ever run it. -- XKCD #1312 DITKA: Double Income, Two Kids, Alpacas. -- me It is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. -- Hunter S. Thompson But men love abstract reasoning and neat systematization so much that they think nothing of distorting the truth, closing their eyes and ears to contrary evidence to preserve their logical constructions. -- Fyodor Dostoevsky, "Notes from Underground" Politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex. -- Frank Zappa Expertise in Adobe doesn't make you a good designer any more than Microsoft Word skills make you a good writer. -- Matthew Burton on federal hiring standards I am serving my sentence in a tangible prison, while you wait in the intangible prison of the heart. -- Liu Xiaobo Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote prose and Khans. -- me Omnipotence is most omnipotent when one does nothing. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" Santa Claz, Our Lady of Generosity -- me It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. -- George Bernard Shaw did u try unplugging the government and plugging it back in -- yzma.tumblr.com Friend: what time do you usually go to bed? Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4 -- mylittlebluespaceship.tumblr.com Person: I like your name Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday -- psy-no-more.tumblr.com Girl, was your father John Cage? Because that ass... *three minutes of silence* -- @LostCatDog The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life. -- Jessica Hische Allergen warning: contains academia nuts. -- me Agile is like using a vacuum cleaner on your lawn. I wear strange outfits to cover my heterogeneous zone. -- me If you want a vision of the future of ubiquitous Internet surveillance, Winston, imagine participating in a webinar - forever. -- @mala It's unknown where these galaxies are now, but where they were 12.7 years ago is 12.7 billion light-years away from us. -- The Scale of the Universe 'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-' and 'mating' meaning 'screwing'. -- XKCD #1319 Driving across Colorado I got to the Park County seat and had to go home to get something. Like they say: Turnabout in Fairplay. -- me If you're always under the pressure of real identity, I think that is somewhat of a burden. -- Mark Zuckerberg Spam is almost as smart as chimpanzees these days. -- Frank Jacobs, Strange Maps #642 You know how advice is--you only want it if it agrees with what you wanted to do anyway. -- John Steinbeck, _The Winter of Our Discontent_ You can bury your eyes in a small bright screen / But you can't kill an app fighting man. -- Cat and Girl, "This Machine Kills Time" Content-Type: multipart/sandwich -- me If anybody taught us to just hang out and listen to live music and don't worry if everything's perfect or it's all in tune, it's Pete Seeger. -- Jer Bear, Shakedown Stream Feelings aren't check engine lights. You can't just ignore them! -- Diesel Sweeties #3488 39 cents will never take my secrets far enough away. -- Post Secret Once you take away all your imperfections, there's not much left of who you really are. -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRlpIkH3b5I Like public TV, but no pictures and no muppets. -- Ira Glass The best incentives are intrinsic in the outcome. -- me Growing up I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. -- @PantsDonkey I prefer to get up at the taint of dawn. The ass crack is too early. I have never refused to sing for anybody because I disagreed with their political opinion. -- Pete Seeger I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" Holy water is not a whit more efficacious than rain water. -- Waldensians I am suspicious that violet cannot possibly be real. -- Vi Hart [It isn't] surprising Facebook would want to buy a computer strapped to your face. -- Dean Putney Haskell: a highly functional language for high functioning autists. -- me We're so close to arresting the right number of people so that nobody wants to do drugs any more. -- @MaxTemkin I don't mean to brag, but they say I have the bank balance of a much younger man. -- @VaguelyFunnyDan Trevor's Rule for Running a Great Company: Use profit as a tool to grow the business. Don't use business growth as a tool to obtain profit. -- me I was determined to go ahead, for Hitler must be laughed at. -- Charlie Chaplin Jackfruit in the summer time, longans in the fall / If I can't have the fruit I love well I still them all. -- Molly Bee Geocaching is Easter egg hunting for adults. -- me Insane in the sky rain / Insane in the drain! -- me Experimental theater exists outside the world of supply and demand. It's all supply. -- Josh Broder All computers are just carefully organized sand. Everything is hard until someone makes it easy. -- XKCD #1349 follow your dreams. chase your hallucinations. run after your made-up head stuff. seek a life where every absurd capricious delusion is realized without heed. pursue the things that you know to be false. -- Wondermark #1021 You could say that "cunt" rolls off the tongue. -- http://flwyd.livejournal.com/352600.html I'm having trouble figuring out how to make money with music, without making music about making money. -- Humans of New York RMS is the Bill Gates of free software. -- The Cube It doesn't matter whether his name is Daniel, or Andrew, or Nick, because there's a 9 out of 10 chance you won't be hollering it in ecstasy at the end of the night. -- arazel My body is a temple and I'm an atheist. -- @rstevens The pine trees were getting it on last night. I can tell because they spooged all over my car. -- me Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, Grace is a little girl with a dirty face. Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. -- Richard Feynman Any good maxim can be attributed to Buddha. -- Shaolin versus Lama A perfect attendance record is too good to be truant. -- me Inside the closet you can't tell what color the walls are. -- Ash Beckham To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy. -- Hippocrates The best thesis defense is a good thesis offense. -- XKCD #1403 First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs. -- bash.org/?954654 I started to [make] an apology, but I don't have anything to say I'm sorry for. -- Jennifer Lawrence Math doesn't know or care what you apply numbers to. -- Vi Hart Functional programmers prefer bikeshedding because yak shaving involves mutable state. -- me AMAZING BUT TRUE: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. Thanks a lot, Descartes! -- Vi Hart, "Transcendental Darts" I was an early adopter of distrusting Facebook. -- me I'll be proud to show my children the browser plug-in that's the reason they're 9 and not 14. -- The Onion Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. -- Ray Cummings He who refuses to do arithmetic is doomed to talk nonsense. -- John McCarthy Your bedroom floor doesn't stop being dirty just coz you stopped dropping food all over the carpet. Creating equality is like staying clean: it takes work. And it's always a work in progress. -- Vi Hart and Nicky Case There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs. Fixing code is easy. Fixing data is hard. -- me I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra You can't throw a brick at Alan Kay's work without hitting something prescient (although, being prescient, it will have ducked). -- David Moldawer You shouldn't let poets lie to you. -- Bjork When God closes a door He goes to the window, opens it, sticks His head out, and yells "I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" -- me What's the most popular software for tracking your spiritual ledger? Q-Wiccan. -- me Night hides the world, but reveals a universe. -- Persian proverb Move fast and break user trust. -- Facebook The whole intent of Perl 5's module system was to encourage the growth of Perl culture rather than the Perl core. -- Larry Wall Opinions on abortions are kinda like nipples. Everyone has them but women's are a little more relevant. But all you ever see are men's. -- @AlexisDerikSmit The demand for securities which outperform the market exceeds the supply. -- me You can count on the teeth of one shark the number of people who've ever served in congress. -- me Laffy Taffy is the Twitter of candy. -- me I can't tell the difference between God and my mental illness. -- Post Secret I've always had a hard time differentiating between people who hate me and people who want to fuck me. Usually, because, I finally realized, there's often a great deal of overlap. -- Elisa Albert, "After Birth" Colic makes baby Jesus cry. -- Oglaf Peace will come to the world when the people have enough to eat. -- Momofuku Ando, inventor of instant noodles Traditionally, managing the configurations of a large group of computers has meant a series of cabbalistic motions with his forefingers as his deep, hollow voice, now unconcealed by feigned hoarseness, bellowed out the opening words of a terrible formula. -- thedoomthatcametopuppet.tumblr.com There is no I in team, but there is a Cho in psycho. -- Margaret Cho Internet killed the video star but telepathy killed the Internet star. -- Men Without Hats Success is full of bees. -- Cat and Girl #4891 Where did Mother Earth soil herself? In her under plants. -- me No interview of Ginsberg is recommended at any time, in view of his narcotic and sexual proclivities, his psychiatric history and his connections with mass media. -- FBI's file on Allen Ginsberg His activities, while extremely eccentric, apparently lack any specific direction. -- FBI's file on Allen Ginsberg We don't want to stop until everyone is on the platform. -- David Marcus, Facebook executive An economic system centered on the god of money needs to plunder nature to sustain the frenetic rhythm of consumption that is inherent to it. -- Pope Francis America seemed a lot easier when I was looking at it from Honduras. -- Humans of New York Ask me what's the hardest part of investing. What's the har... Timing! -- me There is no "I" in "team" but there is a "U" in "hug". -- Diesel Sweeties #3859 It's a good thing he lived long enough not to get away with it. -- The Onion You gotta fight / for your right / To ferrrrrrment - The Yeasty Boys -- me The golden age of European imperialism was, by the low standards Europeans set for themselves, a golden age of European cooperation as well. -- Nicholas Danforth Data, data everywhere, but not a thought to think. -- Jesse Sherra I guess the lesson is that you need to go door-to-door to be sure you've got your election rigged correctly. -- Lowering the Bar The incoming call said "unknown number," but I don't know how that could be: I've memorized all the digits from 0 to 9. -- me School: be there or be absent. There's no "I" in "VOWELS." -- XKCD #1562 God doesn't play dice with the universe. He plays a resource management Eurogame I suck at. -- Dork Tower 08.09.15 Politics would be a lot less fun if we only got to believe true stuff. -- The Onion I bought the coolest phone on the planet - but it still only rings as often as my old phone did. -- PostSecret, Classic Secrets #94 A disease is anything we think we can cure, identity is everything we can't. -- Cat and Girl #4962 We are paying $1,695 to attend a course that authorizes us to recruit others to buy a product--a product which tells us nothing more than what we already know about ourselves. -- Uncovering The Secret History of Myers-Briggs I've always assumed the labels on hot dogs were largely aspirational. Ornithography: The study of V shapes in the sky. -- me "The time has come," the Walrus said, and put on Sauron's ring. -- XKCD #1608 Use a proposition instead of a preposition if you need something to end a sentence with, baby. -- XKCD #1608 I got a toy alien with some assembly required. When I put it together it said "We come in pieces." -- me If Franz Ferdinand didn't want to be assassinated maybe he shouldn't have written a song called take me out. -- nichaelforyou I always like to wear a stethoscope and white lab coat so if there’s ever a medical emergency I can teach everyone a valuable lesson about judging based on appearance. -- barackinaroundthechristmastree Pasta is worth every penne. -- barackinaroundthechristmastree You can tell a lot by a woman's hands. For instance, she has hooves? Horse. -- micspam You've heard of alphabet soup, now get ready for Times New Ramen. -- mememaster If you have to make a mental effort to avoid the M&Ms when you pass the kitchen, that diminishes your productivity for the rest of the day. -- Shit HackerNews Says ENIAC, the world's first and fastest (at that time) electronic computer, had a full time devops staff of six. -- Shit HackerNews Says Are there practical applications for proving theorems? It seems like it's the full employment act for pencil pushers. -- Shit HackerNews Says ADA compliant bathrooms and wheelchair ramps? Not part of a reasonable MVP. -- Shit HackerNews Says Most of the time my phone is more important than the discardable conversation happening over a meal. -- Shit HackerNews Says This is surprisingly easy because C is largely a small subset of Common Lisp. -- Shit HackerNews Says Getting the NSA a present this year? Don't spoil the surprise by buying it online. -- @HackerNewsOnion Recruiter mistakenly hires real ninja. -- @HackerNewsOnion What do you call a troubadour who can play the lute without hands? No holds bard. -- me The quickest way to end the war is to lose. -- Megadeth, "Dystopia" How did those bourgeois get so petite? -- Donation Derby #3519 North Korea is the Donald Trump of nations. -- @plemur The little self-esteem engine that could. -- me Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef. -- me Satan is bad, too, but an invasion of Hell is beyond the competence and self-interest of the US military. -- The Cube You wouldn't really die _of_ anything, in the traditional sense. You would just stop being biology and start being physics. -- What If? #141 It's a bold! It's a serif! It's dingbatman! -- me "You want me to eat your leek?" "Aye, scald knave." "Is this some sort of euphemism?" "No, it's some sort of allium." -- Good Tickle Brain, "A Leek and Battery" Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef. -- me Universe feels zero connection to guy tripping on mushrooms. -- The Onion Ah, crap. The humans have gone bad. Better craigslist them. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal I get horny and want kink, I go looking for it online, and I am then buried in a landslide of creepiness, typos, and aggression. -- Savage Love letter You can play a really believable game of "The Floor is Lava" in Hawaii. -- me Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected. -- me So tell me... are you a coelaCAN or a coelaCANTH? -- me Castling is the chess equivalent of the quarterback scramble. -- me Nipples are a child's first user interface. -- me I really hope someone has a writing program for inmates called "Prose and Cons." -- me A cat holding a sign that says "9 Lives Matter" -- me John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / 192.168.1.2 / His IP is my IP too -- me My imaginary friend lives at 127.0.0.2 -- me In the land of the blinds the Venetian is king. -- me The revolution will not be monetized. The process of opening and setting up a new Apple product is delightful and elegant until you get to the Software License Agreement. -- me After the State of the Union comes the Principality of the Dominion. -- me A bear managing mutual funds would probably overinvest in agricultural commodities for fall delivery. -- me Someone should make bumper stickers for New York that say "Maybe honking will help." -- me My cat loves when it's wet outside and dry inside. When it rains, it purrs. -- me They should have a Tour de Portland where at each stage the couriers pick up a different bulky package for delivery on the next stage. -- me Cat food flavors: beef, chicken, salmon. Why not mouse, sparrow, or goldfish? That's what they really want to eat. -- me Cats are both soft and sharp, yin and yang. -- me I'm noodling around on a jazz piece by Sun Ramen. -- me All my exes blocked my textes. -- me If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are. -- me Are slanted fonts called "Italic" because of the tower in Pisa? Some say if you're not paying then you are the product. Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product. -- me Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers? -- me Thank you bishop, but the king already castled! -- me Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film! -- me Professors gonna profess. -- me Sex writers get all the really good religion questions. I'm tired of dealing with all the questions we get about why evangelicals support a thrice-married misogynist reality-TV star who never goes to church. -- Mark Oppenheimer A d20 ice cube: so you can make a platonic solid that becomes a platonic liquid. -- me When God closes a door He goes to the window, opens it, sticks His head out and yells "I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" -- me I'm into second-order psychedelics. I don't take drugs myself, but I thoroughly enjoy consuming the output of those who do. -- me The crazy thing is how many clients would rather be right than be happy. -- Humans of New York Reality is nice, but I find it limiting. -- Dilbert, 2016-07-19 Reasonable is when you agree that I'm right! -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Instead of COX-inhibitors, why aren't NSAIDs called COX-blockers? -- me Man came in on a horse the other day, but he only speaks Esperanto an' the horse is no better. -- Wondermark #1249 What do you call a really cute cephalopod? Squeed! -- me Maybe Republicans would get serious about climate change if we called it "Recapitalizing snow and ice banks." -- me For Halloween, the United Stats is dressing up as a democracy. America's health care system is neither healthy, caring, nor a system. -- Walter Cronkite This is just a phase the moon is going through. -- Oglaf A new golden rule: create more value than you capture. -- me This lemonade needs less misogyny. -- @talks_in_maths Strange times when a populace, concerned about decades of job loss, elects a president whose catch phrase was "You're fired." -- me The electoral college is a disaster for a democracy. -- Donald Trump, November 6, 2012 "Don't worry," said the cosmologist, "it will all be 0K in the end." Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Foolish Dictionary Way to drop the ball right into the goal. -- cbick Mobile App To Revolutionize Way Users Waste Time, Money. -- The Onion 99% of gifts from God are gag gifts. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal It's little known that cliff faces actually have mountain-ears. If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. Tune in, turn on, boot up. -- Timothy Leary Constipation: putting the toil in toilet. Consenting to a new experience is not consenting to the experience you wanted to have. It is consenting to learn what that experience is. -- theferrett I just found out I was dating a communist, I should have noticed the red flags sooner. -- @AustinOnSocial Philosophical and lexicological problem: How many foxes does it take before the henhouse becomes a foxhouse? -- Charles P. Pierce Halal food in NYC isn't packaged as a meal. It's Allah cart. -- me Self-reflection is hard when you're using carnival glass. -- Jason Peebiscuit Aylen Re-defining the word "success" to mean "accomplishing whatever I did" is so much easier than actually succeeding. So. Much. Easier. -- SeaTea If you want to make any nation great, pour resources into education and health care. Great nations are made out of amazing, healthy humans. -- @howardtayler I bought my boss two copies of The Mythical Man Month so that he could read it twice as fast. -- @rkoutnik He said he *had* all the best words, he didn't say he knew how to use them. Maybe, when he bought them, they didn't come with instructions. -- Brautigan The danger for any citizenry is when they believe experts know less than them, complex problems are simple, and easy ideas are solutions. -- @kurteichenwald The benefit of controlling a modern state is less the power to persecute the innocent, more the power to protect the guilty. Humans are my ingroup. -- me Trump says he knows all about checks and balances. After all, he's written lots of bad checks, and typically had negative balances. -- @GeorgeTakei "I'm not racist, I have black friends!" "The bill isn't homophobic, several closeted legislators voted for it!" -- me Keep Hope alive. We'll eat her last. -- duquesne_pdx If we don't see you in the future, we'll see you in the pasture. New Orleans is the city that put "fun" in "funeral." Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way. -- XKCD #1760 Pancakes crêpe me out. If I told you that you tested positive for antibodies, would you hold them against me? I would do anything to be able to draw, except practice drawing. -- Post Secret You can't keep evil out of a country; it doesn't travel on a plane. Evil casts its spores through ideas, sown in a heart fertilized by hate. -- me If you are more fortunate than others, build a longer table not a taller fence. If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. -- Niels Bohr Smashing heads doesn't open minds. -- Deebra Tannen In the right hat anything is possible. -- Lisa Simpson The only reason women are considered more emotional than men is that we don't count anger, envy, hate, or ambition as emotions. -- @catvalente If you don't think the government can handle health care, maybe they shouldn't be allowed to run the biggest military in the world. -- @catvalente Had to have my arm amputated. On the other hand, I am completely fine. Bash QDB 961655 If you have to advertise, then you're not much of a beekeeper. -- Brett Adee You can only play Devil's advocate for so long before you realize that the Devil actually has you on retainer. -- @absurdistwords The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. -- Kin Hubbard If I knew of something that could serve my nation but would ruin another, I would not propose it to my prince, for I am first a man and only then a Frenchman... because I am necessarily a man, and only accidentally am I French. -- Montesquieu I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. -- Mitch Hedberg Every book is a children's book if the kid can read. -- Mitch Hedberg My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -- Mitch Hedberg I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -- Mitch Hedberg My manager says "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch because a crutch helps me walk. -- Mitch Hedberg An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. -- Mitch Hedberg I want to hang a map of the world in my house and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. -- Mitch Hedberg I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. -- Mitch Hedberg A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. -- Mitch Hedberg A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. -- Mitch Hedberg I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. -- Mitch Hedberg I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. -- Mitch Hedberg When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was. -- Mitch Hedberg I haven't slept for ten days... because that would be too long. -- Mitch Hedberg Thibault's trip to 2050 was fun, but he ended up with a timeshare in a different time. -- Wondermark #1314 Turns out even celebrated wizards have to poop in a ditch. -- Wondermark #1315 Recent protests show that many Americans want more government, just not this government. -- Margaret Levi I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life but I was 100% certain that robots were awesome. -- sailor mercury The fascists can have all my anger but I'll be damned if I'll let them steal my joy. -- Kevin Hearne We had cryptographic potatoes for dinner. They were salted and hashed. -- @ThatAndromeda The tyranny of Daylight Saving Time is not that you lose an hour of sleep or an hour of sun. It's that you let a clock decide when you act. -- me Since we don't know where we're going, we'd better stick together in case someone gets there. -- Ken Kesey The notion that one can demonstrate animus toward any group of people only by targeting all of them at once is fundamentally flawed. -- Hawai'i and Elshikh v Trump You can't use it right now; it's been printing an infinite-scroll webpage since 2013. -- XKCD #1812 Our server room is carbon-neutral but produces bismuth constantly. -- XKCD #1812 When all you have is the hammer of socialism, everything looks like the sickle of class struggle. -- Lee Rudolph A stitch in spacetime saves Deep Space Nine. -- Harold Cooper The 2010s surge in white nationalism is in large part a reaction to a century of white internationalism. -- me I see no reason for labor unions---or corporations---to participate in politics. Both were created for economic purposes and their activities should be restricted accordingly. -- Barry Goldwater, "The Conscience of a Conservative" Let us henceforth make war on all monopolies--whether corporate or union. The enemy of freedom is unrestrained power, and the champions of freedom will fight against the concentration of power wherever they find it. -- Barry Goldwater, "The Conscience of a Conservative" In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. -- Warren Eckstein I don't want everybody to vote. Elections are not won by a majority of the people. They never have been from the beginning of our country and they are not now. As a matter of fact, our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down. -- Heritage Foundation founder Paul Weyrich All sounds are possible. -- John Cage I thought I ordered an extra large T-shirt from Rome. I received forty T-shirts. I'm quite glad I didn't order a medium. -- me A smile is a hammock for your face. -- me I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. -- Woody Allen Americans with good jobs live in a socialist welfare state more generous, cushioned and expensive to the public than any in Europe. -- Chris Ladd The problem with expecting voters to behave in an instrumentally rational way is that to vote at all isn't instrumentally rational. -- @mattyglesias True love's okay but a series of false loves gives you more variety. -- Oglaf It's an ouroboros eat ouroboros world out there. -- me Culture is firmware for the human brain. -- me Pour one out for the Aral Sea. -- me Trumpcare replaces Obamacare like fire replaces a barn. -- @bazecraze The wealthy countries are very smart, approving protocols, holding big speeches on the need to avoid deforestation, but they already deforested everything. -- Brazilian president Lula da Silva A wealth-is-power system rewards historic success and often inhibits future success. -- me I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- Escher The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. -- Mark Twain Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. -- Richard Nixon As a woman I can't go to war, and I refuse to send anyone else. -- Rep. Jeanette Rankin, December 8 1941 If you're against war, you're against war regardless of what happens. It's a wrong method of trying to settle a dispute. -- Jeannette Rankin Cities, and really all human communities, are as organic and natural as forests. In ancient cities like Rome and Paris, dwellings, churches, and streets, like an old-growth forest, are literally built upon the ruins of all that came before them. -- Nordhaus & Shellenberger, "Break Through" We no longer believe it is justified to confine our affections to or reserve our loyalties for a particular race. Why then do we believe we are justified in reserving our loyalties for a particular place? -- Nordhaus & Shellenberger, "Break Through" The NIMBY mindset has no power against global warming. No planning board can dictate that temperatures only rise 1 degree in this neighborhood. -- me We expect humans to change as they age. Why don't we expect the gods to change? -- me Please, call me Busta. Mr. Rhymes is my father. -- Wil Wheaton All industries are disrupted from time to time. Climate change will disrupt all industries at once. -- me Uncertainty demands initiative, while certainty demands synchronization. -- Bruce Schneier If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool. -- Carl Jung The revolution will be hard because it will use Viagra. -- Smoove, "The Revolution Will Be Televised" So does bisexual mean once every two genders, or does it mean twice every gender -- @gaileyfrey Well, whatever it is that you're not doing, go don't do it somewhere else. -- Manos, The Hands of Fate Uncertainty is not the same thing as ignorance. -- Kerry Emanuel on climate and weather modeling You can't change someone's mind by punching them in the head. -- me Don't go somewhere with a weapon that you wouldn't go without it. -- USCCA In the current climate of discourse, rigorous honesty is a subversive act. -- William Gibson The numbers for the Science March seem high but we won't know until we compare it to the numbers at the placebo march that's also happening. -- @vornietom There's hardly anyone at the homeopathy march but they say that's how it works. -- @jeremydcape It doesn't get easier. You just get better. -- Nick Koumalatsos In a perfect socialist society, only the people who really deserved it would catch tuberculosis. But alas, there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. -- Michael Yosef Miller Never ask yourself, "Can I do this?" Ask instead, "How can I do this?" -- Dan Zadra I woke up still not dead again today. -- Willie Nelson When principles and preferences battle, I try to go with principles. -- Margaret Alia Denny You cannot step twice into the same rivers. -- Heraclitus "You need an invisible friend." "I have one, but she's always on the phone." -- Dilbert 2017-05-03 A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. -- Eleanor Roosevelt Always two there are, a proton and an electron. May the electromagnetic force be with you. -- me I have striven not to laugh at human actions, not to weep at them, not to hate them, but to understand them. -- Baruch Spinoza We can all get along. I mean, we're all stuck here for a while. Let's try to work it out. -- Rodney King And when dreams end, litigation often begins. -- Lowering the Bar Get out of the way, you Grand Old Party / You're so old, you're getting warty. -- William Jennings Bryan 1900 campaign song When a group of people make something sacred, the members of the cult lose the ability to think clearly about it. -- Jonathan Haidt Contrasting emotion with cognition is as pointless as contrasting rain with weather, or cars with vehicles. -- Jonathan Haidt It's all fun and games until someone loses an unsustainable amount of blood. -- Good Tickle Brain, Romeo and Juliet act 3 scene 2 The quickest way to lose is to judge your enemies by their appearance. -- Diesel Sweeties #298 If you can let go of being right, you can make a difference. -- Steve Valk There are two great times to plant trees. The first was 20 years ago, the other is now. -- Double El & Agate Conservation Districts I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on. -- Josephine Baker The devil wears Prada. I know, because she used my credit card. -- Aventura, "Peligro" The Black Rock Desert is one of the most strikingly beautiful and utterly ethereal locations in the world that will ever try to kill you. -- The Jackrabbit Speaks Vegan omelets: no ham, no fowl. -- me If I meet the man of my dreams, I hope he doesn't know about my dreams. -- Oglaf Cats are dangerous companions for writers because cat watching is a near-perfect method of writing avoidance. -- Dan Greenburg Fascism wriggles into democracies by insisting on right to be heard, achieves critical mass, then dissolves the organs that installed it. -- Anthony Oliveira Never on schedule but always on time. -- Nas Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. We stand on the shoulders of giants who bothered to login to StackOverflow and explain their problem in words easily indexed by Google. -- SwiftOnSecurity The race isn't always to the swift. Sometimes the slower person who's facing the right way gets it. -- Oglaf, "Flanks" Unfortunately, on the Internet, words often speak louder than actions. -- me I brake for breakpoints. -- gdb bumper sticker Tranquility is a form of Luna sea. -- me Shouldn't we at least fail at a couple more new ideas before going back to something we already know doesn't work? -- The Onion I'm not generally in favor of killing anyone to "improve the species." But if it *must* happen, I'll make a strong argument for starting with those people who want to practice eugenics. -- interactiveleaf Technology is the active human interface with the material world. -- Ursula K. LeGuin finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing. -- @rachelle_mandik Merely preventing your political opponents from doing what they want isn't the most inspiring work. -- John McCain The center of mass is somewhere around the third pew. -- me If an argument goes on for more than five minutes, both sides are wrong. -- Neil DeGrasse Tyson Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! It vexes me when they would constrain science by the authority of the Scriptures, and yet do not consider themselves bound to answer reason and experiment. -- Galileo Galilei, "The Authority of Scripture in Philosophical Controversies" What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months. -- Fred Brooks Wow! I like your temporary tattoos! Temporary in that one day you'll die. -- Oglaf It's like having a compliant compass that agrees north is whatever you want it to be. -- Rebecca Solnit, "The Loneliness of Donald Trump" There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty. -- John Adams What's a nice place like this doing around people like us? -- Marilyn Manson The guy who ran for president on his ability to make and close deals could no successfully book a Bruce Springsteen cover band. -- Chase Mitchell Eleanor Roosevelt would rather light a candle than curse the darkness, and her glow has warmed the world. -- Adlai Stevenson I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. -- Peebiscuitter Oakley The ideal government will have the values of the Federation, the business acumen of the Ferengi, the sense of honor of the Klingons, and the subtlety of the Romulans. Our current government has the values of the Romulans, the business acumen of the Federation, the sense of honor of the Ferengi, and the subtlety of the Klingons. -- Harold Feld Once you've seen one Highlander you've seen 'em all. Did you hear about the cross between Two Buck Chuck and PBR? It's called Make America's Grape A Grain. A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a truth. -- Thomas Mann I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. -- Groucho Marx The Resuformation began when Marin Luther nailed Jesus to a door. -- Confused Anger and resentment are not a governing philosophy. -- Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ I never stopped loving you... or started, to be honest. -- Oglaf The god of lies went on to take a mortal lover and sire a half truth. -- Oglaf There's great value in not always getting what you want. -- Penny and Sparrow As much as liberals infuriate me, they're doing what they're supposed to be doing: generating a ton of really bad ideas and chasing after them furiously. Sooner or later one or two of them will pan out. It'll be good for all of us when they do. -- Robert Hansen The people win when the dictators fall. -- Morrissey, "In Your Lap" Have an assassin put a placebo in her drink, just as a warning. -- Oglaf A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit. -- Arnold H. Glasow Crowd-sourced popularity guarantees the promotion of content that generates user actions, not real life actions; the internet thing that inspires you to get up and do something means only that you are no longer internet voting. -- Vi Hart I hope Heaven has a periscope to Hell, because humans are really only happy relative to other humans. -- SMBC I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. - Isaac Asimov hangover, n.: The Wrath of Grapes. Would you rather be struck by lightning or attacked by a shark? What if we said you could do both. -- Sorrow-scopes Watches romance flick backwards to see an insipid woman who lives solely for a man blossom into an individual with her own life. -- @batkaren Seismologists are loyal to a fault. Eat honey, it supports women-run businesses. Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It's an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills? -- @living_marble I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one. -- Strange de Jim A funeral is the last thing I need. -- @SkinnerSteven All's well that ends in an aquifer. -- me Slow and steady wins the human race. -- me There is a world of difference between "didn't win" and "didn't matter." -- Harold Feld Don't take advice from a skeleton. They don't have any skin in the game. This quote was taken out of context. -- Randall Munroe When you're sifting haystacks for needles it's for sure you're gonna get pricked. -- Barlow/Mydland, "Love Doesn't Have To Be Pretty" Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie which we ascribe to heaven. -- Shakespeare, All's Well that Ends Well The greatest remedy for anger is delay. Promote, then, as an object of primary importance, institutions for the general diffusion of knowledge. In proportion as the structure of a government gives force to public opinion, it is essential that public opinion should be enlightened. -- George Washington Let me make my mistakes on my own, I don't need your help. -- Pigpen Moths are attracted to flames but seldom date them for long. -- Oglaf Technically, any food can make you cry if you get punched in the nose with it. -- SMBC, "Onions" Mankind's greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking. -- Stephen Hawking We have a pathology in this country. We're a self-governing country whose citizens don't actually believe in self-governance and in fact don't know how their government actually works. -- NonyNony, "Lawyers, Guns, and Money" comment I planted a whole case of Bud and never saw so much as one Anheuser bush. -- Big_Bad_Bald_Bastart Hell is a dish best served cold. -- Cat and Girl, "Transitive Properties" Revenge is 99% perspiration. -- Cat and Girl, "Transitive Properties" Eternity is other people. -- Cat and Girl, "Transitive Properties" Inspiration is 99% revenge. -- Cat and Girl, "Transitive Properties" Ham is a dish best served cold. -- Cat and Girl, "Transitive Properties" Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. -- Francis Bacon Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. -- Lewis Lapham Sometimes it's nice not to be in touch with your emotions. -- Molly Ivins You've got to have fun when you're fightin' for freedom, because you might not win and it might be the only fun you ever have. -- Molly Ivins Software being "Done" is like lawn being "Mowed." -- Jim Benson Armor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? -- fortune Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- Abraham Lincoln You've got to choose bad everyday over catastrophic. -- James Comey I'm looking for infinity / I got a _lot_ of finity. -- Cat and Girl, "On and On" I miss the boiling oceans. / You miss who you _were_ when the oceans boiled. -- Cat and Girl, "Progress is Inevitable" I have the consolation to reflect that during the period of my administration not a drop of the blood of a single fellow citizen was shed by the sword of war or of the law. -- Thomas Jefferson Does it hurt? / Totally painless. / AAAAGH! IT HURTS! / Oh, I thought you were talking about me. -- Dilbert 2018-04-24 The only thing new is you finding out about it. -- Mike Watt Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? -- Charles Lindbergh There is a lesson here for ambitious system architects: the most dangerous enemy of a better solution is an existing codebase that is just good enough. -- Eric Steven Raymond Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off some of the others. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln When it comes to the health care market, the invisible hand is just making the jerk-off motion. -- Erin Ryan, Lovett or Leave It 2018-04-20 The only thing better than singing is more singing. -- Ella Fitzgerald You can't have molasses if you ain't got no lasses. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Anylbran, "The Profit" I, for one, am a great fan of Roman numeral puns. -- @IHPower I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can help it. -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne Student Driver Clearly Copying Off Car In Front Of Him. -- The Onion A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power. -- @Gooooats Changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "machine learning" and pays 4x your current salary. -- Steve Maine I'm beginning to think that most open source software is "free" as in "mattress" -- @functiontelechy Believing that technology will save us is thinking that an escalator would have liberated Sisyphus. -- Existential Comics grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. Weeks of coding can save you days of thinking. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. -- Hamlet II, ii Would you rather fight 100 centaurs or one full-size aur? -- me The general principle linking these seemingly contradictory rationalizations is that in both cases, I am obviously correct. -- Wondermark #1402 Libertarians are to liberty as vegetarians are to vegetables: they claim a special spiritual affinity, but somehow there are never any carrots left for anybody else. -- Paul Anderson I asked Charon out but he said he only wanted a Plutonic relationship. -- me The Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream and diced tomatoes. -- @dave_cactus When we as people, a free people, go wobbly on the truth even on what may seem the most trivial matters, we go wobbly on America. -- Rex Tillerson So many Chrome tabs, so little time. If you knock Donald [Trump] on his ass, he will tell you the best position to be in is on your ass. -- a former Trump Organization executive Very frankly, I am opposed to people being programmed by others. -- Fred Rogers You are an important person just the way you are. You can make healthy decisions. -- Fred Rogers Just because you're sitting on an octopus doesn't make you the king of the sea. -- Oglaf I like big butts and cannot lie, 'cause they allow a large brain to pass by. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Evolution" Americans have over 50 words for marijuana because it's very important to their culture. Cambridge Analytica didn't convince decent people to become racists; they convinced racists to become voters. -- Cory Doctrow Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. Toil is what you do for somebody else. Work is what you do for yourself. -- U. Utah Phillips Our endless days are numbered. -- Post Secret, Classic Secrets #230 A JPEG's just a JPG with money. -- Cat and Girl, "Know Your Internet" XML is short for Quetzalcoatl. -- Cat and Girl, "Know Your Internet" Web *surfing* is spelled *cerf* as in internet pioneer Vint Cerf. -- Cat and Girl, "Know Your Internet" Web *surfing* is spelled *surf* as in waiting around for something to happen. -- Cat and Girl, "Know Your Internet" Web *surfing* is spelled *serf* as in - we are all serfs, trading the intimate data of our daily lives to big feudal tech companies in exchange for protection from the boredom that-our lords tell us-lurks everywhere outside the manor walls. -- Cat and Girl, "Know Your Internet" Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day. Teach a man to program, frustrate him for a lifetime. -- Waseem Latif I wonder if computers are doing to academic education what motors did to athletic education. In the twenty-first century, the robot will take the place which slave labor occupied in ancient civilization. -- Nikola Tesla Your antagonist has to be every bit as formidable as your hero. -- Jonathan Demme One has to look out for engineers. They begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. -- Marcel Pagnol One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. -- Elbert Hubbard All real communities grow out of a shared confrontation with survival. -- Larry Harvey A libertarian is someone who is fiscally conservative but socially awkward. -- @mey621 Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code. -- Christopher Thompson One of these days I'm gonna pull myself together / Soon as I finish tearin' myself apart. -- Grateful Dead, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" Q: Which mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them. -- Oglaf Two police interrogators decided to play good cop/bad cop. The bad cop showed up late and forgot why I was there. -- me In order to form a more perfect union we the purple acknowledge that we do not live in red states or blue states. -- Nick Forster The problem with setting an example of being unobtrusive is that nobody notices. Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen. -- Edward V Berard The best programs are written so that computing machines can perform them quickly and so that human beings can understand them clearly. -- Donald Knuth I cried because I had no shoes and then I met a man with no feet! And I said what's the matter with you? I was BORN with no feet but I WORKED HARD and I GOT SOME. -- Cat and Girl, "Angry Feet" Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who one one. -- A. J. Liebling Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor Liberty to purchase power. -- Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the marriage in Cana as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy. -- Benjamin Franklin It starts as foreboding, then it becomes boding. Aftboding can linger for days. -- Oglaf, "Hurly-Burly" Will we ever look back fondly at NOW? Only if things get much much worse. -- Cat and Girl, "At the 90s Diner" Many people say, "Who's my doppelganger?" when maybe they should ask, "Whose doppelganger am I?" -- Carson Cistulli The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Being stoned in a straight world is a lot easier than being straight in a stoned world. -- Arlo Guthrie Vaccines are the tugboats of preventative health. -- Dr. William H. Foege The "Kingdom of Heaven" is a condition of the heart---not something that comes "upon the earth" or "after death." -- Friedrich Nietzsche Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home. -- G. K. Chesterton A nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself. -- Barack Obama I [suspect] that we are throwing more and more of our resources, including the cream of our youth, into financial activities remote from the production of goods and services, into activities that generate high private rewards disproportionate to their social productivity. I suspect that the immense power of the computer is being harnessed to this "paper economy", not to do the same transactions more economically but to balloon the quantity and variety of financial exchanges. --James Tobin, July 1984 What if God is just some guy with a cheat-sheet for all of history, and he just pops in from time to time to take credit for weird occurrences? -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Fixing a handful of irregular bugs by burying them beneath a smooth, uniform layer of bugs. -- XKCD #2109 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. It's probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in. -- Lyndon B. Johnson on J. Edgar Hoover It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you love me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. This wood is RIGHT NEXT TO ATHENS, but how many people in Athenian clothing could there possibly be wandering around it? Just the one, I’m certain. -- Good Tickle Brain I knew it's also true that a good way to invent the future is to predict it. So I predicted Utopia, hoping to give Liberty a running start before the laws of Moore and Metcalfe delivered up what Ed Snowden now correctly calls "turn-key totalitarianism." -- John Perry Barlow Europe is like a couple that wasn't sure they wanted to get married, so instead they decided to just open a joint checking account and see how things went. -- Kenneth Rogoff We must all hang together, or we will surely hang separately. -- Ben Franklin When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail. -- Abraham Maslow What is now proved was once only imagin'd. -- William Blake When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Hopper Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. The only system that's good is a soundsystem. -- Blood Preshah Leibniz admits this isn't the best of all possible worlds after spending five minutes on Twitter. -- Existential Comics #294 We may have all come on different ships but we're in the same boat now. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. You can tell how self-confident an author is by the ratio of words in their non-fiction publications to the number of citations. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract--no brush, no canvas, I just think about it. -- Steven Wright Powerful men are well advised not to use violence / For violence has a habit of returning / Thorns and weeds grow wherever an army goes / And lean years follow a great war. -- Tao Te Ching If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter I come from a long line of dead people. -- Oglaf, "Hamlet" I trained a pair of neural nets, Emily and Kevin, to respond to support tickets. -- XKCD #2173 If I had the critic's mentality (which I emphatically don't) I would sit down and try to analyze my stories, work out the factors that make some more successful than others, cultivate those factors, and simply explode with excellence. But the devil with that. I won't buy success at the price of self-consciousness. I don't have the temperament for it. I'll write as I please and let the critics do the analyzing. -- Isaac Asimov I call together this meeting of the Slightly Lumpy Oblate Spheroid Earth society, which *technically* isn't a meeting because I'm the only one here. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Flat" If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. -- W. C. Fields We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have. A bell is a cup until it's struck. -- Wire "We escaped with nothing but our lives and this riveting tale." / "... And, apparently, some regrets." -- Wondermark #c1494 Immortality is basically free now, except that you still die. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Digital Arts" The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde Reduce, reuse, reincarnate. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Conscious" Night coffee doesn't screw up your sleep? / It doesn't affect my bedtime in the slightest. / When do you go to bed? / Next Tuesday. -- Diesel Sweeties #884 There are no stupid questions but there are stupid rambling statements which are only loosely related to the topic at hand. -- me Bitcoin is the Cap & Trade of currencies. -- me I got into a big fight about language in Kuala Lumpur. It was quite the Malay. -- me 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard Shaw A meaningless life begins at conception. -- Pro-Life Jean Paul Sartre I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. -- Mark Steyn If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. -- Louis Armstrong A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he is able to answer. -- Ronald Colman Report: Majority Of Money Donated At Church Doesn't Make It To God -- The Onion You can't be evangelical and associate yourself with Jesus and what he says about the poor and just have no other domestic concerns than tax cuts for wealthy people. -- Jim Wallis Call it democracy, or call it democratic socialism, but there must be a better distribution of wealth within this country for all God's children. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. Of all the forms of inequality, injustice in healthcare is the most shocking and inhumane. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. Having a baby and giving it up for adoption, as pro-life people advocate, is not seen by most pro-choice people as a moral solution to the abortion problem. To transform a fetus into a baby and then send it out into a world where the parents can have no assurance that it will be well-loved and cared for is, for pro-choice people, the height of moral irresponsibility. -- Kristin Luker When the rate of return on capital exceeds the rate of growth of output and income, as it did in the nineteenth century and seems quite likely to do again in the twenty-first, capitalism automatically generates arbitrary and unsustainable inequalities that radically undermine the meritocratic values on which democratic societies are based. -- Thomas Piketty In America today you can murder land for private profit. You can leave the corpse for all to see, and nobody calls the cops. -- Paul Brooks When the well's dry, we know the worth of water. -- Benjamin Franklin Don't shortchange the future, because of fear in the present. -- Barack Obama Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty. -- Barack Obama You can't change Washington from the inside. You can only change it from the outside. -- Barack Obama Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. People who dismiss allegations as "mere" can all-too-easily imagine allegations being made against them. -- Eric Scharf "OSHA violation" and "nsfw" technically mean the same thing -- @Billaric Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travelers pay the expense of it. -- Josh Billings It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. -- Maimie Van Doren I never believed the cards you used to send. They were just lies Hallmark wrote for you. -- Post Secret 2011-10-15 Since there's no algorithmic feed, the responsibility for injecting lots of garbage no one asked for falls on you. -- XKCD #2235 Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand. – Martin Fowler The ocean doesn't need the sailor. -- Ron Pope The chaos army seems suspiciously well-organized. -- Oglaf We wish you a merry Christmas and now we only have two wishes left. -- Oglaf If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. -- W. C. Fields How many licks does it take to get to the center of your universe? -- Atmosphere, "Deer Wolf" Describing an activity as virtue signaling is a form of virtue signaling. -- me Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. -- Andy Purshottam Ain't no party like a buzzkill's party 'cause a buzzkill's party don't start. -- Dork Tower 2020-02-18 In America, we are all minorities. And so we should all be nervous about any temporary majority and the power it seeks. -- Senator Ben Sasse, "Them" We'll never understand why our opponents act the way they do if we refuse to listen---really listen---to their arguments. -- Senator Ben Sasse, "Them" To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. -- Poul Henningsen A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C. E. Ayres Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. -- A Yippie Proverb The trick is to fix the problem you have, rather than the problem you want. -- Bram Cohen The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -- Walt West It is always tempting to divide men into two lots: Greeks and barbarians, Muslims and infidels, those who believe in God and those who don't. But who does not fear to understand things that threaten his beliefs? Of course, one is not consciously afraid; but everybody who is honest with himself finds that often he does not try very hard to understand what clashes with his deep convictions. -- Walter Kaufmann, "The Faith of a Heretic" Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism. -- Walter Lippmann Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play? There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. -- J. S. Bach In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us. -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath... I only like the shade when you're blocking the light. -- Phish, "Shade" Spare the rod, spoil the cone. -- me Optimism is a political act. Entrenched interests use despair, confusion and apathy to prevent change. -- Alex Steffen Liberty without socialism is privilege, injustice; socialism without liberty is slavery and brutality. -- Mikhail Bakunin Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. I got hit by an ambulance but it was already full. -- Oglaf Honestly, if we aren't supposed to fuck 'em, why are they called laypeople? -- Oglaf What *is* a day but 24 hours who only wield power when they act collectively. -- Cat and Girl, "Pyramid of Coronavirus System" Facts in Front, Mythology in the Back -- Diesel Sweeties #1013 People used to come in and ask "Who's in charge here?" And I came up with a saying: "The situation is the boss." Sometimes the situation meant that I was the boss. Sometimes Jerry was the boss. Sometimes the truck that blew a carburetor was the boss right then. -- Steve Parish There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell 'em. -- Louis Armstrong A girl and a boy bump into each other---surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops---surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid---*that had to mean something*. -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. -– Victor Frankl What do you mean I don't get in [to Heaven]?! I killed Hitler! -- Hitler, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. -- Galatians 3:28 While I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. -- Roger Zelazny When a person comes through a door, that's a scene. When a person comes through a window, that's a situation. -- Billy Wilder Having nothing, nothing can he lose. -- William Shakespeare, Henry VI Not all who own a harp are harpers. -- Marcus Terentius Varro If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity. Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently than they do. -- Turgenev I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas (fils) Never trust anyone who carries a gun but not a first aid kit. -- @jrlentini "No," said the cat. "Now you people have names. That's because you don't know who you are. We know who we are, so we don't need names." -- Neil Gaiman, Coraline We can only see the reality of America's need by seeing it through the eyes of the threatened, oppressed, and disenfranchised. -- George W. Bush A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. Ah, but is it not so that with pants they can now know the pleasure of the taking off of pants? -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Dolphins" What do you call Jack Kerouac if he owes you money? A deadbeat. -- me Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. -- James Estes It is not every question that deserves an answer. -- Publilius Syrus Wasting time is an important part of living. I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. -- Marcus Porcius Cato Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin. -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. -- Andy Purshottam The urge to destroy is also a creative urge. -- Mikhail Bakunin Be very careful who you pretend to be, because that's who you're going to me. -- Kurt Vonnegut Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. -- Konrad Adenauer Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. In our judicial system, "the public has a right to every man's evidence." Since the earliest days of the Republic, "every man" has included the President of the United States. -- Justice John Roberts, Trump v. Vance I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. Fuel, not ignitions, causes fire. You can send an arsonist to Death Valley and he'll never be arrested. -- Richard Minnich That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. -- Charles Chincolles Your mind is the part of you that says, "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" ... and then, twenty minutes later, says, "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" -- Steven and Ondrea Levine All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. -- Francois Fenelon Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity? -- Ronald Reagan What's done to children, they will do to society. Police officials must understand they're not dealing with criminals, but with human beings, some very poor and some very young. There needs to be greater restraint by police everywhere. If not, I think we're going to have an explosion all across the country. -- John Lewis, 1967 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us. -- Mario Cuomo When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. -- Harry Truman It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Was it a car or a cat I saw? -- palíndromo No government policy can force anybody not to be stupid. -- Colorado Governor Jared Polis Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar Bergman This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. What is the chief end of man? The rear one. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Catechism" If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back... and none of them would be complaining. -- a Deadhead in the Seattle Times Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. -- Alan Kay Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Benjamin Franklin Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. Getting a toddler into bed is like putting a motorcycle away with the throttle stuck open. -- David Malki ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. Bennett The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Alito Feedback is the breakfast of champions. -- Safety Phil Battle, n.: A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose Bierce I don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me. -- Richard Powers Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook This is not my trash, but this is my planet. Amanda de la Rosa If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert Frost Trust us, we know what we're doing... We may have no idea HOW we're doing it, but we know WHAT we're doing. -- Knghtbrd I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. -- Bill Veeck Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. -- Robert Louis Stevenson A sober, devout man will interpret "God's will" soberly and devoutly. A fanatic, with bloodshot mind, will interpret "God's will" fanatically. Men of extreme, illogical views will interpret "God's will" in eccentric fashion. Kindly, charitable, generous men will interpret "God's will" according to their character. -- E. Haldeman-Julius, "The Meaning Of Atheism" Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. -- G. Blaauw, System 360 designer I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up. -- Dave Barry It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person. -- Bill Murray Our Constitution does not secure the peaceful transition of power, but rather presupposes it. -- Lawrence Douglas For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson Polls *claim* most people don't live in my town and have never been here. But the people I meet on the *street* tell a very different story. -- XKCD #2357 There is growing evidence that the atmosphere of Venus contains molecules. -- XKCD #2359 The world sure is depressing. / We should do something about it. / You're right. I should tweet more! -- Diesel Sweeties #1073 Ultimately, Mr. Trump has been more successful playing a business mogul than being one in real life. -- New York Times, September 27 2020 I play to people's fantasies. -- Donald Trump, The Art of the Deal It was a hot day this weekend, so I decided to cool off at the reservoir. It was too crowded, though, because great minds think: a lake! -- me Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -- Philip K. Dick The Grateful Dead isn't in the music business, it's in the transportation business. -- Mickey Hart Avoid eye contact. If there are no eyes, avoid all contact. -- Firesign Theatre I don't have to wear a mask because I have a medical condition! / What's the medical condition? / I'm an idiot. -- Dork Tower 2020-09-28 The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back. -- Abigaili Van Buren Your point that the world contains multiple problems is a real slam-dunk argument against fixing any of them. -- XKCD #2368 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. -- Norman Augustine Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. -- Norman Augustine The early bird gets the worm. The early worm ... gets eaten. -- Norman Augustine Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year--in either direction. -- Norman Augustine Most projects start out slowly--and then sort of taper off. -- Norman Augustine If I have found more bullshit, it is because I have swum in the sewers of giants. -- SMBC, "Giants" Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. If you see something suspicious, say something specific. -- Nextdoor The future isn't what it used to be. Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. -- Frederick Crane I've been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain '80s bands. There is no cure. When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'. -- Linus Torvalds When you're dead, you can't do much. -- Mel Brooks Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. -- Theodore Roosevelt To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or anyone else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about anyone else. -- Theodore Roosevelt New phone OS features: dark mode (disables screen). -- XKCD #2377 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927 Technically, when nude, we all wear a lingerie of dead skin. -- SMBC, "Lingerie" A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want. -- Joe Sondow There were bad people on both sides. -- Dave Chapelle, SNL 2020-11-07 If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. -- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. -- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before. For those about to rock - have you considered all your options? -- McSweeney's My hideous and inexplicable existence continues unabated! Take that, biology! -- XKCD #2386 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. -- Charles DeGaulle God requireth not a uniformity of religion. -- Roger Williams There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. -- Robert Benchley The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. -- Alden's Laws Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. -- Alfred E. Neuman I've always felt that "Carol of the Bells" sounds like someone turned a panic attack into a song. -- Mya Gosling, "Good Tickle Brain" You can skip the first few seasons of your child's life, because it doesn't really get good until season 6. -- McSweeny's If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin Don't forget to dislike and unsubscribe. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. Using neural networks to fool the human mind is like using a bazooka to fight a hamster. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Villainy" The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! -- Jim Warner If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is. -- Andrew Plotkin Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. -- System V.2 administrator's guide Last guys don't finish nice. -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Behold the fool saith, "put not all thine eggs in one basket," which is but a manner of saying, "scatter your money and your attention," but the wise man saith, put all thine eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" When angry, count a hundred; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" April 1st: This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" July 4th: Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. THis proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved? -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. THis is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. A modem is a baudy house. An endless fiesta would be exhausting and demoralizing: the pleasure would go out of it, the masks would disguise only fatigue and apathy, and there would eventually be nothing to celebrate. The ordinary and the extraordinary need each other. -- Rebecca Solnit, "Paradise Built in Hell" ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught. INSTITUTE: An archaic school where football is not taught. Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" Anyone who believes that The Customer Is Always Right hasn't met enough customers. -- me 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard Shaw Falling in love is a lot like dying. You never get to do it enough to become good at it. What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you. -- Nietzsche I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do. -- @ieatanddrink Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. -- Pogo We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise. -- Larry Wall If your sense of smell is good enough, popping bubble wrap gives you a tour of a bubble wrap factory. -- XKCD #2458 Money is imaginary when there's plenty of it. But when you *don't* have money, it's real. -- Cat and Girl, "Manifesting Destiny" Beware the Ides of March. Oh. Also the Senate. -- Wrong Hands, "Julius Caesar (abridged)" An awkward programming language with a great standard library will take you much further than an elegant language with a meager library. -- me If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. -- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble There hasn't been this much Christmas trouble since the Cuban mistletoe crisis. -- Oglaf, "Axmas" A death-first search is when you lose your keys and travel to the depths of hell to find them, and then if they're not there you start checking your coat pockets. -- XKCD #2407 Humpty Dumpty was pushed. The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work. -- Herbert V. Prochnow Remember: While root can do most everything, there are certain privileges that only a partner can grant. -- Telsa Gwynne Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman Historians of the future thank librarians of the present. -- me OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week? -- @ethanjacobslaw January 7th, 2021 grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. While in quarantine we should only be making inside jokes. -- John Gardner I spent four years in the Pentagon; politics and logic just don't go together. -- Retired Air Force Colonel Don Knight Procrastination is a dish best served eventually. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. -- Peer We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts. -- Patrick Moynihan Sometimes I look at people with really strong preferences for Japanese radishes and terrace gardening and I'm like, OK, I guess, if that's the hill you want to daikon. -- @JennaKMoran At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 I set my pants on fire one leg at a time just like every other liar, liar. -- @TheToddWilliams The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. -- Douglas Adams Computer Science Tip: You can sort any list immediately by simply accepting it for who it is. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Understanding" I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard. -- John Cage, 1937 There are lies, damn lies, and time estimates. Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right. Some of you are actors and some of you are interactors. -- Uncle Jeff A mind is a wonderful thing to taste. -- me Wow, look at all the indigo flowers on this knoll! This is absolutely the hill I want to dye on. You can't erase a dream, you can only wake up. -- Peter Frampton Monotheism is a gift from the gods. You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human. Roses are RED / Violets are RED / eVeRyThInG is RED -- Good Tickle Brain, Macbeth valentine Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. -- Lord Dunsany, The World of Mathematics Did you see the leaves waving today? Did you wave back? -- Yusef Lateef The problem with 10:30pm is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30am if you're not careful. -- @joshgondelman The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself. -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" In my life, I've only found three things that were pure fun. Fishing, belonging to possum lodge, and pants with an elastic waistband. -- Red Green Worry is a misuse of imagination. He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardner Nouvelle cuisine, n.: French for "not enough food". / Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food". / Tapas, n.: Spanish for "not enough food". / Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for "more food than you've ever seen in your entire life". There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage. Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel Johnson The best part of crashing a Mars briefing is you can get in a full 11 minutes of questions before they can start to respond. -- XKCD #2428 Calvin: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Hobbes: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner. I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. I tend to be really kind to individuals, but really tough on institutions. -- Rahsaan Harris He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association. -- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch" "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin Knoll There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Pyros of the world... IGNITE! My definition of home is a place where I've washed my clothes four consecutive times. -- Trevor Noah I've lived in the present for my whole life and I'm not about to move now. -- XKCD 2431 Somewhere along the line we made an explicit tradeoff: it is far more important to optimize for obstacle-free brainstorming than to protect against someone wandering off with a bunch of markers. -- Software Engineering at Google Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every 6 months. -- Oscar Wilde For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidal Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. -- Ebner-Eschenbach If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes. -- Captain Kirk, "Space Seed" When speech is everywhere but money is concentrated in the hands of a few it benefits those few when money is the only way to be heard. -- Cat and Girl, "Small Change" patent: A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. In war, truth is the first casualty. -- U Thant A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail. -- Jerry Ogdin Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. -- Hannah More I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. -- George McGovern A house divided is a condo. Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson There are some things a wife shouldn't tell her husband. And whether she has or hasn't been to the moon is one of them. -- Bewitched Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. -- Schopenhauer You call it moldy cheese, I call it terraformed milk. -- @BoredElonMusk The god of envy has a better temple than yours. -- Oglaf We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. Any bouquet is an edible arrangement if you're a horse. -- me I'm nonverbal bilingual. I can be silent in two languages. -- me He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew Lang Save the whales. Collect the whole set. If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system. -- Linus Torvalds Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy Cannon Futex: a concurrency guard for code that will never run. -- me f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. Customer: Do you have any omega-3 fish oil? / Vegan food store clerk: Just the flax, ma'am. Just the flax. Reduce, reuse, repurpose. The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol Williamson Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. -- Dave Barry As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars I hear the ferryman is half man, half boat. -- Oglaf Every can of alphabet soup contains the preamble to the constitution. -- Cat and Girl, "America's Founding Myths" America was founded in a garage by two Ivy-League dropouts with money from their parents. -- Cat and Girl, "America's Founding Myths" Humor in the Court: Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work. Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -- Hedy Lamarr Maybe you wouldn't feel the need to blame employees for "airing dirty laundry" if you had simply cleaned the laundry. -- Colin McMillen The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it. -- George Orwell If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman Dyson Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -- Carl Jung I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to sleep every few days. Who knew you could learn so much about sexual reproduction from looking at pictures on the internet! -- XKCD #2464 I know a boy from a tribe so primitive he can call me up without no telephone. -- Buffy Sainte-Marie, "Moonshot" Bear: A sleeping bag *is* a sandwich. -- Cat and Girl, "Tooth and Nail" If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind. -- Edgar R. Fiedler A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao Tsu What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. -- Jerry Lester Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell Banks All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. -- Abraham Lincoln You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. Without the atmosphere we would have no airplane accidents. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. -- Goethe Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. What is a four-letter word that starts with W. Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. I got this powdered water... now I don't know what to add. -- Steven Wright The deep question is whether the customer always speaks the truth or whether by speaking the customer creates truth. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Right" For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln I'd traverse it myself, but it's singly linked, so I'm worried I won't be able to find my way back to 2021. -- XKCD #2483 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! -- Heard in Bethlehem Has anyone seen my cloak of hiding? -- Oglaf If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. -- Anatole France All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it. If you feel like nothing you better get up to something. -- Atmosphere Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" His mind is like a steel trap; full of mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn I refuse to hit the like button on any video that asks me to like and subscribe. Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. -- Ambrose Bierce He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. -- John LeCarre A fairytale ending is really bad for about half of the characters. -- Oglaf No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. -- Helen Rowland I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- Kipling Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul You can't make the computer faster. You can only make it do less work. The clothes have no emperor. -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA In ten hours a day you have time to fall twice as far behind your commitments as in five hours a day. -- Isaac Asimov What do people say at a divorce ceremony? I do. Life is NP-hard, and then you die. -- Dave Cook When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper I wanted to buy something to cool down my home office so I went to Onlyfans and wow, did I take a wrong turn somewhere. -- me Like a lot of you, I have a real problem with projection. -- XKCD #2506 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? I do not take drugs. I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach The U.S. reconstruction effort in Afghanistan could be described as 20 one-year reconstruction efforts, rather than one 20-year effort. -- SIGAR, "What We Need to Learn: Lessons from Twenty Years of Afghanistan Reconstruction" Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx' last words I believe that God always answers our prayers. Sometimes the answer is "no." -- Jimmy Carter Out of mind is out of sight! The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence. -- Lyman Bryson It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong. -- H. W. Longfellow Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" The ne'er do wells are doing quite well for a change. -- Oglaf Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel We are granted by our maker the freedom of speech and the discretion to know when to shut the fuck up. Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash Standards are crucial. And the best thing about standards is: there are so many to choose from! The Salvadors of perception stand wide. Melt on through to the other side. -- me That's somewhere between profound and gibberish. -- Chris Anderson, TED interview with Sam Altman You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. -- Saul Bellow I asked her if she wanted to be loners together. -- Samuel James, The Moth Before making a deal with God, check it's not a going-out-of-business deal. -- Oglaf, "Foresight" math feels like it would be easier if we had a nice list of all the numbers. -- @pupOnSecurity The bruises on my fingertips are my poof of work. -- XKCD #2522 If there is no wind, row. -- Polish proverb Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" # Quotes from Alan J. Perlis, "Epigrams on Programming" Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming It is better to have 100 functions operate on one data structure than 10 functions on 10 data structures. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming If you have a procedure with ten parameters, you probably missed some. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming In the long run, every program becomes rococo, then rubble. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written, and another for which it wasn't. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Optimization hinders evolution. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming There will always be things we wish to say in our programs that in all known languages can only be said poorly. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming In programming, everything we do is a special case of something more general--and often we know it too quickly. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Like punning, programming is a play on words. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Beware of the Turing tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Software is under a constant tension. Being symbolic it is arbitrarily perfectable; but also it is arbitrarily changeable. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming In English every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming In computing, invariants are ephemeral. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming When we write programs that "learn", it turns out that we do and they don't. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Often it is the means that justify the ends: Goals advance technique and technique survives even when goal structures crumble. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Making something variable is easy. Controlling duration of constancy is the trick. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Documentation is like term insurance: It satisfies because almost no one who subscribes to it depends on its benefits. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to see it as a soap bubble? Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desparate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming It is the user who should parameterize procedures, not their creators. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Prolonged contact with the computer turns mathematicians into clerks and vice versa. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton hotel on its peak. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Motto for a research laboratory: What we work on today, others will first think of tomorrow. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming One does not learn computing by using a hand calculator, but one can forget arithmetic. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming The computer reminds one of Lon Chaney--it is the machine of a thousand faces. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Computers don't introduce order anywhere as much as they expose opportunities. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming We will never run out of things to program as long as there is a single program around. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming The proof of a system's value is its existence. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming You can't communicate complexity, only an awareness of it. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming It's difficult to extract sense from strings, but they're the only communication coin we can count on. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Editing is a rewording activity. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Within a computer natural language is unnatural. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Most people find the concept of programming obvious, but the doing impossible. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Programming is an unnatural act. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming Adapting old programs to fit new machines usually means adapting new machines to behave like old ones. -- Alan Perlis, Epigrams on Programming # end Epigrams on Programming No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another--but which one? Differences are crucial. -- Lazarus Long The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. -- Ambrose Bierce I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. -- Frank Zappa Mind if I use your bathroom? / Sure. It's a real toilet, so be careful. -- The American Astronaut How long have they been making you dress like that? / The word's not "make." It's "let." -- The American Astronaut Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. -- Dorothy Parker When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. -- The Grab Bag Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too." -- Dave Haynie Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so. -- Bertrand Russell Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison. -- Henry David Thoreau These aren't nipples, they're umlauts. -- Oglaf, "All Caps" Are you a pauper? Do you tweet in the vernacular? -- Cat and Girl, "The Middle Ages II" So remember, the worst thing that can happen when you ask out a girl is that they could inadvertently destroy your attempt to ground mathematics in pure logic. It's probably not worth the risk. -- Existential Comics, "In Which Bertrand Russell Asks Out a Girl" c++: the power, elegance and simplicity of a hand grenade -- markm I think you might be on fire but I'm not an expert. -- Oglaf Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different--not better, just different. Johnson's law: Systems resemble the organizations that create them. We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the use of this material. -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell 'em. -- Louis Armstrong The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. -- Richard Thompson A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not. -- Captain Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark" The problem with computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to. Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. -- George Bernard Shaw The fourth little pig's house was made of wolf skulls. They aren't very sturdy, but they send a message. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Wolf" Given the amount of precious metals and weapons they keep underground... are dragons preppers? -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Hoard" If a meteor becomes meteorite when it hits the ground, we all know what happens when Amir lands, amirite? Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling? -- M. C. Escher The doors of proprioception stand wide / Break on through to the inside. -- me I'd talk to infantry commanders and ask what they need, and they'd say 'Turn this money off. We're having to look for people and projects to spend money on.'" -- USAID official, SIGAR 21-46-LL "What We Need to Learn: Lessons from Twenty Years of Afghanistan Reconstruction" With such a training deficiency, some police advisors turned in desperation to television shows like "Cops" and "NCIS" to become more familiar with policing. -- USAID official, SIGAR 21-46-LL "What We Need to Learn: Lessons from Twenty Years of Afghanistan Reconstruction" This sexually transmitted virginity is making us vulnerable to vampires. -- Oglaf Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. A feature is nothing more than a bug with seniority. A rolling stone gathers momentum. The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -- David Gerrold There never was a good war or a bad peace. -- Ben Franklin There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Red Smith How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab Proverb I believe it best to wait and hear what the scientists have to say about it... before dismissing them out of hand entirely. -- Dork Tower 2021-12-01 All the idols made by man, however terrifying they may be, are in point of fact subordinate to him, and that is why he will always have it in his power to destroy them. -- Simone de Beauvoir, "The Second Sex" There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. -- Gloria Steinem Sounds like someone's askin' for infinite punishment for finite sins. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Morality" I know you're lying but your lies are so wonderful. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Nucular" To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." -- Theodore Roosevelt Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Life is too important to take seriously. -- Corky Siegel Vaccinated people can remove their hats without trouble by tugging upwards, say doctors. -- XKCD #2551 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian Day Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse. Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. -- Sir Humphrey Appleby The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. -- Russell Baker The first is to ensure your partner understands that nature has root privileges - nature doesn't have to make sense. -- Telsa Gwynne The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. -- Glaser and Way "If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?" -- Garrison Keillor He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" All things have already been said, but since no one listens, one must always start again. -- A. Gide What I wouldn't give for just one precedented time. -- South Park, "Post COVID: The Return of COVID" Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein Is that forbidden fruit keto-friendly? Or is it double-forbidden? -- Oglaf, "Strongly-Discouraged Fruit" The East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. If you have extra time for introductions, after someone tells you their pronouns ask for their proverbs. You buttered your bread, now lie in it. It gets late early out there. -- Yogi Berra Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... One must get stabbed to learn the meaning of stabbing. -- Existential Comics, "Dostoevsky and the Meaning of Suffering" There were no standards for success. You're comparing me to the imaginary. / And you're losing. Badly! -- Dilbert, 2022-01-25 I was working harder than a one-eyed beaver in a knitting contest. -- Dilbert, 2022-01-26 You look like a turnip during duck season. -- Dilbert, 2022-01-26 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. -- Mae West Kids books... grownup books... that's just marketing. Books are books! -- Maurice Sendak Truth is much too complicated to allow anything but approximations. -- John von Neumann What is simple is always wrong. What is not is unusable. -- Paul Valery Art is a lie that makes us realize truth. -- Pablo Picasso I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. -- Winston Churchill Attendees at the geology conference were very disappointed by the hotel's continental breakfast. -- me Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. LSD is a wonder drug. It makes you wonder what's coming out of the wallpaper. -- me You can run your mouth and I'll run my business. -- Louis Armstrong Science, my lad, has been built upon many errors; but they are errors which it was good to fall into, for they led to the truth. -- Jules Verne Personally I keep trying to sell out, but the buyers aren't forthcoming. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Context" Roundly-condemned headlinese initiative shuttered indefinitely. -- XKCD #2584 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long Your step will soil many countries. Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. -- Kim Hubbard I didn't forget. I just didn't remember. -- Singham At first I was confused about why they wanted me to carry a Geiger counter here, but then it clicked. -- XKCD #2607 At first I didn't understand why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire, but then I understood. -- XKCD #2607 I'll come to bed as soon as I've finished reading the whole Internet. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Bed" When fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. -- Fred Brooks Really, _every_ gathering is a family reunion. -- XKCD #2608 General notions are generally wrong. -- Lady M. W. Montagu It is insane to me that cryptocurrencies are still a thing. -- Bruce Schneier The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. -- Bette Midler We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. -- Edward R. Murrow He was part of my dream of course---but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis Carroll Correction does much, but encouragement does more. -- Goethe In my life, I try and avoid things that are stupid and evil and make me look bad in comparison to somebody else---and Bitcoin does all three. -- Charlie Munger, Berkshire Hathaway vice chairman I was going to say it's the least I can do, but it isn't. -- Dilbert 2022-05-09 Are these *special* brownies? No, they're non-tokeable fudge. -- me Every young boy should have a live octopus. -- The Addams Family I put my octopus on one leg at a time, just like everybody else. If I said you had a beautiful body would you tell me where you put the body? -- Oglaf, "Tusking" The floodgates of heaven were opened and the angels had nowhere to water-ski. -- Oglaf, "Carp" My pronouns are meow/purr. The hardest part of generating random 16-bit numbers is rolling the d65536. -- XKCD #2626 If you drink a Belgian beer before performing Shakespeare your verse will be in lambic pentameter. -- me A pessimist says the Klein bottle contains nothing. An optimist says the Klein bottle contains everything. -- me FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed--it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. -- Alan Perlis Where there's a whiskey there's a way. He's such a Nazi that his favorite music is white noise. Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. The road is long but if it were any shorter it wouldn't go all the way. -- Oglaf, "Molehills" Your prayer is important to us. Please keep your hands together until an operator becomes available. -- Oglaf, "Inbound" The tortellini lives on land, turtllini live in the water. -- Cat and Girl, "Pasta All the Way Down" Why fix an old bug if you can write three new ones in the same time? -- David Kastrup With great power comes great responsibility. (Thats why I am a QRPer...) -- Ashhar Farhan Our work has produced great answers. Now someone just needs to figure out which questions they go with. -- XKCD #2652 We shall not cease from exploration / And the end of all our exploring / Will be to arrive where we started / And know the place for the first time. -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets" The muskrat is neither a rat nor the collective id-figure of aspiring techbro cargo cultists. -- Cat and Girl, "Forbidden Knowledge" I didn't want to be a mason but I *love* those jars. -- Cat and Girl, "Forbidden Knowledge" If you're not sure how awesome something is, measure it with an awesometer. Talk about what you know, demonstrate who you are. Cerboros: the three-headed wolf biting its three tails. A sloppy minute is made up of sixty sloppy seconds. -- me When a sundae is in just the right position you can see a total eclipse of the spoon. -- me How much more pathetic do I need to be before I start getting pity sex? -- Oglaf And the lord spake, saying "Behold, now I have made grammars as multitudinous as the stars. Let all word orders shine forth in their varied lexicons, and let every phoneme dwell in some mouth!" -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Spake" One difference between liberals and conservatives is that liberals fix their mistakes to keep up with reality while conservatives fix their reality to keep up with their mistakes. -- anonymous Now, everyone line up! / But what is a line? / What is a what? / What is? / What? -- Existential comics, "Philosophy Bootcamp" If everything is defined by its monetary value, and monetary value relies on scarcity, of course we distrust the infinite. -- Cat and Girl, "The Selling of Indulgences" The corporate office is the cathedral, the stock market the priest, of a religion that rather than explain the unknown denies that it exists. -- Cat and Girl, "The Selling of Indulgences" Our company can be your one-stop shop for decentralization. -- XKCD #2677 Kids, I'm afraid this year wee can only afford Dungeons XOR Dragons. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Xor" We've never found a journey we couldn't turn into a commute. -- Cat and Girl, "The Hero's Journey" Don't think of it as losing blood, think of it as gaining storage space in your veins. -- Oglaf, "Claret" You can resolve any paradox by just misunderstanding what the point was. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "False" It should be obvious that parodists cannot be prosecuted for telling a joke with a straight face. -- Brief of The Onion as amicus curiae in support of the petitioner, Parma v. Riley Nothing is more thoroughly democratic than to have the high-and-mighty lampooned and spoofed. -- Justice J. Wilkinson, "Hustler Mag., Inc v. Falwell" The last thing we need, the last thing the First Amendment will tolerate, is a law that lets public figures keep people from mocking them. -- Cardtoons,L.C. v. Major League Baseball Players Ass'n As much as I agree the real estate system could ues some improvements, introducing the ability for someone to hack my crypto wallet and take my house is not quite what I had in mind. -- Web3 Is Going Just Great I'm here to free the princess you hold in that tower / Nobody's holding her, she has agoraphobia. -- Oglaf, "Official Duties" We're in a culture of abundance and an economy of scarcity. -- Cat and Girl, "Fireside Tales" Humans can't live in the present, like animals do. Humans are always thinking about the future or the past. So it's a veil of tears, man. I don't know anything that's going to benefit me now, except love. I just need an overwhelming amount of love. And a nap. Mostly a nap. -- Townes Van Zandt Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin Dobson Class was a savings bank for priviledge. A way to pass on access to money and to people with money even when money was gone. -- Cat and Girl, "Rest-In-Peace Theater" Maybe the Old Testament should be called the Young Testament, because it's God's awkward period. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Brimstone" Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it). -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're best at, that's what I say. -- Doctor Who There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up. Is our lab really good at finding cool microbes? Some preliminary data. -- XKCD #2703 Let the machine do the dirty work. -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. I've been on some very questionable elevators lately. -- Dr. Temple Grandin I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- S. Wright Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really know what we are doing. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra Famous last words: zymurgy. I have a plausibility fetish. It's so hard to find porn. -- Oglaf, "A Likely Story" If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles. Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. My webmaster is my DOM. Jogger, n.: An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple As someone who's allergic to milk and doesn't like the taste of coffee you can call me anything except latte for dinner. I'd tell you a pun about a city in The Netherlands, but you'd probably Hague it. I'd tell you another Dutch city pun but you'd Groningen. -- me It's a good thing I'm a master of stoicism, or this would be quite upsetting. -- Existential Comics, "Modern Stoic Philosophy" As the adage goes, "you ship your org chart." It's chaos here right now, so we're shipping chaos. -- a Twitter employee, early 2023 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar Bergman I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra Premillennial Christians believe the Second Coming is forthcoming. Like asking Michael Collins if he remembers where he watched the first lunar landing. I remember when there were only two rules: the law of gravity and no backsies. Then they added the five second rule, which the first two rules kind of made necessary. -- Cat and Girl, "Get a Complex!" [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. -- Soren Kierkegaard Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. If you get writers' block, consider switching from a mutex to a lock-free algorithm. In table tennis, whoever gets to 21 points first wins. That's how it once was in baseball, whoever got 21 runs first won. We are all time travelers, journeying at one hour per hour. -- me Why are dad jokes so terrible? Because they're told by a groan-up! If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office. -- Wayne Shannon Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 A bum drinks and wanders; a hobo works and wanders; a tramp dreams and wanders. Tramps are the intelligentsia of the traveling nation, people constitutionally incapable of having a boss. -- U. Utah Phillips ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable! Help! I'm lost in the spoom! / You're holding the map upside-down. -- Oglaf I love the rain. It gives me a warm feeling inside. / We have no emotions. That warm feeling is called rusting. -- Wrong Hands, "after AI replaces us (part 4)" Einstein himself said that God doesn't roll dice. But he was wrong. And in fact, anyone who has played role-playing games knows that God probably had to roll quite a few dice to come up with a character like Einstein. -- Larry Wall Someone told me I should check out Pearl Jam. Crunchiest sandwich *ever*. I'm not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. Wer funkt kennt, nimmt kabel. (If you know the radio, you use the cables.) The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, and sixth years. I dreamt that I lived in an alternate reality where it was never possible to distinguish between dreams and reality, so I couldn't tell it was a dream. Thank god it was only a dream, and in reality we can always tell the difference between dreams and reality. -- Existential Comics, "G.E. Moore's Nightmare" Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. When Noah was building a boat in the desert, other people thought he was delugeional. Never Mind The Butterflies, Here's The Sex Pistils Microsoft must feel really frustrated with their search engine. They always feel really close, but they never get to call BINGO! What did Samson do after killing an army of Philistines? The answer is jaw dropping. Clear is better than clever. -- Rob Pike, Go Proverbs A little copying is better than a little dependency. -- Rob Pike, Go Proverbs The bigger the interface, the weaker the abstraction. -- Rob Pike, Go Proverbs Be excellent to each other, and crampon. -- Bill and Ted's advice for walking a friend across an icy street I have proofread the phlebotomy report and it is typo negative. Any experience is a near-death experience if you do it in a cemetery. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it. Your password must contain letters from two different alphabets, a prime number, and an emoji. If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert Frost Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win or you can lose or it can rain. -- Casey Stengel I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. -- Descartes Vocabulary update: I learned another word today, bringing my total to twelve. -- XKCD #2839 If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like. -- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down. The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- Henry David Thoreau If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe The key to life is indulgence in maladaptive behaviors. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Escape" They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson Woolsey-Swanson Rule: People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. "Daytime" is us closing our eyes and pretending it makes infinity go away. -- XKCD #2849 What the Commonwealth has in common is that England stole their wealth. The problems started with my resolution next year to reject temporal causality. -- XKCD #2855 What's the deepest clothing in the world? The Mariana Trench Coat. Hey baby, I don't believe in causation but I believe the two of us could be in constant conjunction. / I already rejected you like five minutes ago. / I don't let past results discourage me. -- David Hume, Existential Comics, "Philosophical Pickup Lines" Oh no, I wasn't being rude! I'm just high status in our culture and thus exempted from a variety of behavioral norms. -- Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, "Norms" Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. Area man spends weekend trash talking socialism and labor unions The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Perl is designed to give you several ways to do anything, so consider picking the most readable one. -- Larry Wall The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. -- Henry Kissinger here are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two. -- comp.os.linux.announce Klein bottle manufacturing executive accused of insider trading. Love conquers all but then struggles to administer its territories. -- Oglaf, "Bishop of the Love God" We value the past most when the future looks bleakest. -- Cat and Girl, "This is Just an Advertising Sandwich" I'm not part of history. I'm more a part of the mystery. -- Sun Ra People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and Fortran programs, for example. -- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press What happens when you walk across the carpet in winter and touch someone? The answer will shock you! How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero Any time I misspell a word it's just because I have too much integrity to copy answers from the dictionary. -- XKCD #2885 Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. -- Peter Oakley There goes the good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet Umberto Eco uses 50% less fuel and 30% less packaging than regular Umberto. -- @rstevens Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors. We're all amazing if we find the right coaching and training. Sam Daley-Harris The leading cause of dementia is being deposed. -- The Daily Show The Taj Mahal is an old Indian burial ground. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. -- James Baldwin If the Little Mermaid's parents didn't want her to leave the water, why did they name her Ariel? Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill Beauty is only skin deep, unless you like muscles. -- Oglaf, "Streaky Beef" This meeting could be an email. / This meeting could be a parade! -- Cat and Girl, "Possibilities" This low-hanging fruit is a potato. -- Cat and Girl, "Possibilities" If you want to be any kind of an artist, you have to be willing to piss people off. -- James McMurtry Microsoft Windows is a successful OS, but it has a lot of pane points. I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. -- Will Rogers I feel like I deserve God's anger but that’s just vanity--I'm only mediocre at sinning. -- Oglaf, "Wrath" When I play with my cat, who knows if she's not passing time with me more than I'm passing time with her. -- Michel Montaigne "Gym" is so informal. I attend a James. -- Cat and Girl, "Gym for Serious People" Despite having eight legs, the octopus wasn't a very good soccer player. -- me My favorite conspiracy theory is that anyone's competent enough to maintain a conspiracy. -- Cat and Girl, "Wheels Within Wheels" Eventually most bargain hunters settle down to a more predictable life as bargain farming. -- Oglaf, "Rugburn" I was the one that ate all the fortune cookies last night. I was looking for an answer. -- PostSecret Why is there baking soda all over the dance floor? Because the DJ said it was time to drop the base. -- me Absolution: not just a solution you put on your abs. -- Oglaf,"Original Sin" You can't fuck all the hot guys, logistically, unless your standards are very high indeed. -- Oglaf The hard part of radio is to tell which mike is on. -- Woody Guthrie Sometimes I think I ain't nothing but an old piece of dirt walking. -- Woody Guthrie Change the pen and change the ink / Change the way you talk and think / Change the tubes and change the tires / Change the things your heart desires / Change your makeup, change your curl / Change the ways of the changing world. -- Woody Guthrie Any event which takes away the lives of human beings, I try to write a song about what caused it to happen and how we can all try to keep such a thing from happening again. -- Woody Guthrie A song ain't nothing but a conversation fixed up to where yuo can talk it over and over without getting tired of it. -- Woody Guthrie We finally got it fixed to where only the ones who could afford to pay, could afford to beat their taxes. -- Woody Guthrie Plenty of rich folks want to fight. Give them the guns. -- Woody Guthrie I don't care how good your good old days was for you. They're not good enough for me. -- Woody Guthrie I got me sort of a one man religion. My religion is so big, no matter who you are, you're in it, and no matter what you do you can't get out of it. -- Woody Guthrie Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable. -- Ruthven Campbell Todd The man who is always worrying whether or not his soul would be damned generally has a soul that isn't worth a damn. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Slow and steady wins the race, as long as nobody fast entered. -- Oglaf, "Fashionably Late" Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau A new fish hatchery exploit allows remote cod execution. -- XKCD #2958 Anadromous fish are more vulnerable in rivers, since the lack of salt means you can quickly crack passwords using rainbow trout tables. -- XKCD #2958 Cobalt's metal, hard and shining / Cobol's wordy and confining / KOBOLDS topple when you strike them / Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. -- The Roguelet's ABC Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris These two men touched at one point; namely, at astuteness. If they had also met on the common ground of courage, they together would have done great things. -- Alexandre Dumas, "Twenty Years After" page 453 Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. A tornado that struck a chili pepper processing plant during an earthquake was rated 55,000 on the Richter-Fujita-Scoville scale. -- XKCD #2965 Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. Blessings in disguise are okay but I prefer curses in cosplay. -- Oglaf, "Flypaper" You found me, but are you happier than when your days were spent searching? -- SMBC, the Tao of Waldo Nothing people buy because one day it will be worth money is ever worth money. -- Cat and Girl, "Investment Advice" People will pay top dollar to replace their Rosebud. -- Cat and Girl, "Investment Advice" I've seen the best toys of my generation / Left in the packaging / Made into decor. -- Cat and Girl, "Investment Advice" 12 years of a great dad is way better than 40 years of a shit dad. -- Jane Breen, Story Corps Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the world. -- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp. The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. -- Elbert Hubbard I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. No one in this world... has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby. -- H. L. Mencken The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. -- H. L. Mencken It was morality that burned the books of the ancient sages, and morality that halted the free inquiry of the Golden Age and substituted for it the credulous imbecility of the Age of Faith. It was a fixed moral code and a fixed theology which robbed the human race of a thousand years by wasting them upon alchemy, heretic-burning, witchcraft and sacerdotalism. -- H. L. Mencken There is always a well-known solution to every human problem---neat, plausible, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken Civilization, in fact, grows more and more maudlin and hysterical; especially under democracy it tends to degenerate into a mere combat of crazes; the whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, most of them imaginary. -- H. L. Mencken The final test of truth is ridicule. Very few dogmas have ever faced it and survived. -- H. L. Mencken